"hold On To Me Cause I'm A Little Unsteady"

[lostforgottensoul]

Yesterday I told my therapist that I didn't know what I felt about my mom (one of my two main abusers) dying. Through all of the chaos, I went completely numb and other than having more of a short fuse at work, I haven't been able to access any sort of emotion. Not even anger which is usually all i can access and easily accessed. I know there is insanely high emotions (and very intense pain) there as they flipped my life upside down and inside out when I first got the news but they are just unaccessable...until this song came on the radio on the way to work today and it felt like someone stabbed my chest, so much so I almost got into a bad accident. I dont know why but it hits HARD.

I thought about just posting this to my diary but I thought it deserved it's own thread. I need to talk about this. I can't do this alone, I just can't.

X Ambassadors - Unsteady (lyrics) ** I like the little message at the end **

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I so love the music you put up, thank you.:hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Thank you @gizmo! :hug:s back!

 

[ladee]

This song, in the simplest form, sums up your life. IF ONLY.... I'm sorry that didn't happen for you, or me, or anyone on here. IF ONLY, then we wouldn't be here cheering each other on. Beautiful song.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Indeed @ladee, I think its hitting the "what ifs" or more, my pain from not having a mother or a father, not being wanted and being hurt. Just pain about it all.

I held on to this thought that one day id be well enough and strong enough to really lay in on my mom. Try to expose her (though that would go terribly) and just really rip every single power she has over me away. And now she's dying and I will never get that chance, the stupid bitch! And the fact that she still controls me, 16 yrs later and 16 yrs of zero contact, she still controls me, digusts me. I mean, i should be able to march into her hospital or hospice or whatever room and at least, if not lay in on her, at least say "i remember what you did & what you allowed! You did that to ME!"

I disgust me....

**Sigh**

 

[ladee]

I guess you are going to have to come up with another way to do that LFS, because to do that now, would not help you at all, in my opinion.. simply because you have grown a lot, at least since I've been here, and you would not get what you think you would out of that situation... Relief? Handing it back to her, or throwing it at her, in your case? Her admitting it?

Never seeing her again, even on her deathbed is a statement in itself. Continuing on your healing journey, doing what you have to do to work on you, that is how you get your power back... we can, and do, get our power back...

Not ever giving her the power AGAIN is taking back your power also... Not having to see her and her possilby hurt you to your core, again..??? Nah, the best revenge is getting healthy... not acting like our abusers, helping others to heal. Validating others pain.... that is empowering.... you might need to take another look at 'getting your power back'.... in the way that does not put you in harms way, does not subject you to any seering memories seeing her again. You are a better woman than that... you do not have to spew it out like a poltegiest to get over it....

You might have to do some good ol' Gestalt Therapy.... it's still getting it out... it's still saying it out loud...
Who knows what's on the other side of this life, none of us know for sure... but she has to answer, some how , some way,and it will really be a privilege, if you stop and think about it... that YOU are not the one that has to make that happen...

I wish you would make a list of ways you have gotten healthier. And in every thing you write, you see THAT is getting your power back. For every tear you've cried to heal, power for you. In every thing you shared, power back. In every lesson you have learned... power back... See what I am getting at?? You can call on the adult you to see this differently, go about it in a way that is very empowering.... find what works for you. I did a lot of Gestalt for those things.... and damn it felt soooo good, some of it took a few times.... the memories are there, but no feelings with them now.

Take care of the child in you and never allow her to lay eyes on you again... Protect the child... you can do that now... that is taking your power back.... you can do this... look how far you have come... don't give that away !!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

not acting like our abusers,

Take care of the child in you

Nah, its anger, rage, hurt, grief, everything all at the same time speaking...as well as my inner child. Id never throw things in people's face or stoop to her level.

Its like when a child gets bitten and they bite back. Its my inner child wanting her to know how much "we" hurt.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

When i talk about my mom right now, its mainly my inner child speaking. "She's" screaming inside of me and holds all of my emotions and so the maturity level of my posts (just about her right now) is going to be all over the place. Its very child like feelings, emotions, thoughts etc. Its hard to explain reallly and i dont fully understand it.

 

[ladee]

And as cruel as this is LFS.... she doesn't care. That is so cruel to say, And so hurtful. But is it the truth? Because people that care, we don't have to hunt them down to tell them what they did... they know, and reach out to make it known that they know what they did.... It's not because you deserved any of it... not one single thing did you deserve... And unfortunately you are the one stuck with healing it. I remember being so raging angry about this part.... didn't change a damned thing... it was still mine to heal.

I had to learn and accept,,,, I just didn't get what I needed or wanted... I just didn't get it from who I needed it from.... I just didn't get it ... and somewhere acceptance came... not without pain, not without doing what I had to do.... not without rage and every feeling that goes with healing... and until you accept that she doesn't care, she will always have the power... I do not mean to hurt you... or confuse you.. or cause you any harm... I am sorry the bitch so totally messed up your life... I truly hurt for that for you... You might think I don't 'hear' what you are saying... I do, beleive me.. I hear you...

So, was only sharing what I had to do for myself to take my power back from the abusers.... do what is right for you.... get in the car and go to her and tell her... pick your pain... cause either way, it's gonna hurt. Sending you lots of hugs for such a horrible painful time in your life.... I am sorry from my heart this is causing you so much pain.

 

[ladee]

I do understand , the child is so hurt and angry.... I get it.. I do understand.
I hope that you realize that long held belief that you deserved it... is changing... the child is sayin NO I DIDN'T.... and I want someone to pay besides ME !!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

the child is sayin NO I DIDN'T.... and I want someone to pay besides ME !!

I think so to. That deserved it think is a common battle in myself. A lot has changed in 6 months and i think this is where the rubber meets the road. That cult part of my mind is still there, not near as strong though and i didnt have to think this much about my nom when i was here and she was there. Not until she is dying and im battling with normal grief along with normal trauma surviving ans its all at once.

f*ck, life was so much simplier when i was in denial...can i have that back?

Yesterday i didnt feel this yet plus my therapist was 15 mins late coming to get me out of the waiting room (i felt bad after i heard for asking the office staff to call him to let him know i was there) because his sister died the previous day in Ireland (vacationing) so we didnt talk much anyway. I asked a lot about her to the point that he teared up. I think its nice he trusts me enough to share that with me. But now he has to fly to chicogo for the funeral next week so had to cancel that appointment. So not much in the way of therapy and that so sucks with the timing as he is my gauge. He sort of aims me.

Sigh! It is what it is and i'll live. You know me, a fighter.

The last part of this episode always gets me....but its true (though my dad answered "a whore"). This is an old show that I used to watch when I was 18 called Higher Ground (every episode is on youtube...in higher quality, this one is a shorter clip). Yes that's AJ Cook or "JJ" on Criminal Minds. She's a 15 yr old "troubled teen" in this show that was abused sexually by her step dad (whom she's referring to in the beginning) and lived on the streets prostituting for a while. The last convo always hits me.

I sometimes will play it over and over to sort of remind myself....is that weird?