Venting Room

[fin]

Ok (deep breath) so I did the under the stairs thing and the panic room...

This -(if its ok, I thought) -could be a venting room
Yeah I know maybe one or two other threads and stuff...and I dont want to get into my feeling sorry for myself....so I thought maybe a room for screaming in? the frustration....big small whatever...venting and shit...if thats ok.

A communal venting room....because the other thread I started seemed to be left for just me to vent in and then others to try to pick me up and I maybe dont necessarily need picking up and maybe .....well....this could be other than our diary's...maybe not...I dont know am having a few decision-making problems at the moment also.

Because right now....I feel like a total arse. A complete.... well. a complete F**k-up and I just thought....somewhere other than my/our diary/s where I/we could let it out...........

You know.... I am just going to leave it with the powers that be....because right now I am thinking this is a really stupid idea.
Arrghhhhhhhh
dumb ass

ok not really feeling all that much better but hey..........

(am also having a few posting issues at the moment-yeah ....really...edit-post-edit-post-edit-edit-post ----- arrrghhhh!) post...and again bloody edit

maybe this could be somewhere were we laugh at ourselves also....as I have just realised I am a total ..time out!

 

[Shamstalat]

Sounds like a good idea, fin, so that people's frustrations don't get misplaced. Thanks for creating this room.

 

[cragger65]

Sounds good to me Fin, thanks.

 

[goingonhope]

Alright fin, here goes my mini vent:

I have had pains throughout my shoulders and neck all day long; They hurt!

I am worried sick about my son, and don't have enough confidence in myself right now that I will be able to assure him that he gets the help that he needs for his difficulties; Such help is going to require that I consistently am able to respond to countless obstacles, without becoming too anxious, overwhelmed, forgetful and stressed out.

My aunt has been driving us crazy :crazy:'fore-ever', or so it seems, showing up at our door every day or two, and without first calling. :eek:

I was swept up off my feet into a state of anxiety once noon arrived today. I dealt with it mostly well, until life threw me a curve ball late this afternoon; It was a mean and nasty throw!


So, .......ready to vent? ..........ready! ............vent away!

Venting!

:eek:

........thank you fin.

 

[cragger65]

OK, my family. I grew up my whole life with these f**king people treating me like shit. I was the yoiungest, and I got absolutely walked on until I got older and started pumping weights.

Then, after I break my neck and am losing my house, I ask my family (several of whom HAD money to spare) to help me out while I was fighting the insurance company. ALL said NO. Including my dad, who f**ked off on me when I was 8 and hadn't spoken to for real in 30 years. Was just getting to know him, and he made every excuse in the book why he just "couldn't". Then my sister hits the knocks... 10 grand in the mail the next day.

To top it off, they all give me their shitty judgementalism over what I'm going through now. I f**king hate these people.

 

[Luthien]

Good idea fin..I was going to post this in my diary, but now that there's a thread for it, here's my vent.

This past few days I had my cousin visiting. She is my fav cousin and we've been best friend all our lives. However, she has her faults, one of which is that she doesn't care about anyone but herself.

She's one of those people that you could never go to with a problem because she just doesn't want to hear it. She is living in a world of denial, and if anyone brings up a problem to her, she shuts them out, sometimes for months.

So anyway, last february, I had no choice but to bring up an issue to her...the issue was that I was going to commit suicide. I reached out just before going overboard and she actually stepped up..saved my life.

So she calls me the other day and asks if she can come stay at my house while she's in town for an abortion...I felt a little weird about it (though I am completely pro choice) I think I felt weird, because since I had cancer last year, and two surgeries that made it impossible for me to have children, mention of anyone being pregnant has messed with my head a little.

Anyway, I felt obligated to return the favour she did for me last year, and said she could stay with me. I even changed several plans around to be there for her.

So she shows up at my place completely broke, and tells me when she gets here that I'm going to have to "lend" her the money to get around while she's here(meaning taxis..$25 a shot), and for her bus ticket home. I would also have to foot the whole grocery bill for her stay.

Okay, I can handle that (even though I wasn't happy about it...she didn't even ask me ahead of time about all the money, just showed up and gave me no choice whatsoever)

When we've done the whole visiting thing before it has been agreed upon that the visitor would pull their weight. We always shared grocery money, cleaning, cooking, and dishes equally. This time she shows up and trashes my place, stresses me out, bitches and complains the whole time, and expects me to pay for everything...I spent over 200 on the whole trip.

The whole time she was here she did absolutley nothing to help out. She just walked around the house making mess after mess that I had to go around an clean up behind her. She didn't do one dish, didn't cook one meal, and was just totally messy with everything.

She bitched and moaned the whole time about her issues...and treated the abortion more heartlessly than I could have expected. It turns out it's her third one, and I am thinking "Geez, she's using it as birth control". Something which I don't really like, but whatever her choice. I had mixed feelings about the whole thing, but mostly related to my own shit. Plus it all brought up my two miscarriages (both pregnancies unwanted from being raped) so I was on edge the whole time.

I took all of this pretty well, until the third day she was here when she just turned into a complete bitch. She was freaking out swearing and complaining and making a big deal of wanting to go home. She couldn't wait to get away from my place and made it VERY apparent. She stressed me out the last day so bad that I was ready to punch her.

She had me up three hours before she was due to go, yelling and threatening me that if I wasn't ready to go on time and she missed her bus that she'd kill someone..she stressed me out so badly that I forgot half the things I needed to pack to take to my mom's for the weekend...

and then she called the taxi 2 hours a head of when we needed it and forced me to stand outside in the cold for almost two hours waiting for the taxi to get there. (this made me ill)

So, she calls me tonight and tells me about her 17 hour drinking binge when she got home, and oh poor her, she can't have sex for a week because of the abortion. (not what I want to hear, and especially since it's been 2 months for me)

I am pissed right off with her, but hate myself for being such a spineless person.

The whole time she was here I didn't say boo to her about any of the things she was doing to upset me. I let her walk all over me, destroy my place, stress me out, take my money, and then not even thank me for it, but bitch and say she'll kill someone if she can't leave right away..

I'm right pissed. Mostly at myself, though. I always do this, let people walk all over me. I am the least assertive person I know. I mean hell, I don't know how to say no to anyone. I don't know how to fight for my rights.

I am just a totally weak person, who'll let anyone do anything they want to me, and then I let it all keep me down for days afterwards. I still haven't been sleeping, am barely eating...and now my stress, and anger is taking up too much space in my head.

RAWR!

RIANA, (my cousin) YOU CAN BE THE MOST HEARTLESS BITCH I KNOW AND YOU WERE A SELFISH SLOB WHILE AT MY PLACE! Where do you get off acting like that? I am very angry with you right now, and I expect my money back as soon as you get it.

Now, I just need to get up the guts to actually say that to her (maybe a little more nicely)

Thanks for the vent.

 

[cragger65]

Seriously, this is meaningless. Find something better to read.


Tonight I can't sleep, and I'm thinking, this HUGE PART OF MY LIFE IS GONE. I mean, WTF??!!!?? I've been so depressed and felt so f*&king low for so long. I'm so tired of not even knowing who or what the f**k I am. What a waste of freaking time!!!!

Christ, it never had to be this way. Is it all my fault?? WTF?!

I don't know what to think anymore. Maybe I should have stayed in the hospital, but that seems insane. I found out recently that there used to be a support group for people who had been damaged BY THE HOSPITAL, and I can so relate. What a pack of f*&king assholes they are. Christ, they pretend to know how to help people, and they just further traumatize them. F**K!! Who do you know to trust, what can you trust or believe in?? I don't know what to think, I don't know what to do, I just keep pushing through, making myself go for walks, trying to eat, make myself play guitar, sleep, shit, write in my bloody diary. I'm just getting pissed at the state of things in my life. I don't trust my family, I never really did and I can see why, I can't trust my friends about it.

F**k, I just gotta get all this shit out of my system. I feel like Forrest Gump - maybe if i ran across the country a couple of times and back again everything would be ok. I can't go back to Hapkido, it's too embarrasing, I can't go back to work, it's too much pressure, too much headaches too much stress, I don't know wha to do with myself during the day, there is no one around to talk to unless of course I want to call my friend Nancy, and if I'm lucky she'll answer her phone and we can talk about how boring and shitty our lives are (actually, hers is a hell of a lot better and a hell of a lot more normal than mine). I could rant, and rant, and rant and never get all this shit out of me. I feel like I'm going to go mad, and yet I "thinK" I'm getting better. So much of the last 7 years has gone by in such a f**king blur of depression adn resentment and boredom and just PURE ****ING SHITTY FEELINGS.

What the **** am I even trying to say? I don't know!!! I need a new life, a life partner a friend who doesn't work either, but understands how buggered I am. I need some backbone, a purpose, I want my drive back, I want ot be Dave again, Cragger again, I want to feel like i used to, even when I didn't feel all that great, I didn't feel ****ing crazy and I felt like I was as good as anyone else, but now I'm just this useless lump of shit that doesn't do anything, doesn't try, doesn't care, doesn't work, doesn't play, doesn't enjoy anything, I dont have any blloddy future at all, I never talk to my sister or my friends anymore, I just pace and pace, and smoke and smoke, and wonder what the bloody ****ing hell I'm doing with my life anymore.

I've tried a hundred different things all on other peoples' advice, trying to help me, but they are not me, and I knew even as i was doing these things they were'tn even the right things for me, but I had to try becuse i'm going ****ing mad trying to remember who the **** Dave Cragg is supposed to be. I DON"T KNOW ANYMORE!!!!

Am I the angry kid who grew up withoiut a dad? Am I the teenager who drank and partied, the 20 year old who buckled down, got bent with his buds and watched the sunrise? Am I a nature lover, a freak of nature, a doomed-to-hell evil-doer? Am I even a decent human being, or am I just kidding myself. OR am I just making all this shit up in my ****ing head and there's nothing really wrong with me?!?

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[fin]

hey........PM....read....yeah you -craggs...ol' buddy....yup you......my friend......

 

[whitewillow312]

vent

I'm at my wit's end. I cant afford my meds, I broke my foot two weeks ago, had to put my cat to sleep three weeks ago, and my husband is a drunk. Funny how we cant afford my med but we can afford beer.

Also I really hate my husband's family, I was raped 4 years ago by his niece's boyfriend so his family treats me like crap now. His sister had a birthday party for the rapist's daughter, which is her grandaughter. Get this crap, she invited us, (I didnt go and never would go) my husband did not go either, well we found out that the rapist's mother and father were there and I have a restrainging order against them because they were harrassing me. My sister in law knew very damn well what she was doing, can you say TROUBLEMAKER. Ewwww...This is not the first of her trouble making. I could list a hundred things. The day after I was raped I heard my husband on the phone with her, defending me, so she must have been telling him I was lying...Yes I know, I give my husband credit, he's stuck by me through all of this but yet he can ignore his sisters troublemaking and not call her out on all this and he even gets mad at me when I get attitude about her. His drinking has always been a problem and he was sober for almost 8 years and the past year he jumped back on the wagon and guess what....yep every time he goes to her house he drinks. What a bitch.:stupid: And I have this feeling she's the one who helped him back up on the damn wagon in the first place. I'm so sick and tired. :wall: Yes I've tried to calmly talk to him about it but he dont want to hear it and we always end up fighting. And it's not just her, granted there are a few who treat me good (it's a big family) but the few who spread rumors and treat me like the plague just ruin it. Another little tidbit about my lovely sister in law. She was married to this guy for 7 months...he dies, and she gets everything, he had three daughters, they got nothing, they even took her to court but nope...he was a police officer (who helped me out alot with getting justice) so now she gets his pension and he had more then one life insurance so she made out good. He's been gone almost 2 years now and she blew all the money already, He loved animals he had a few cats and a dog who he would take everywhere with him, she took them to the pound, instead of asking his girls if they would want them. She got his house which is right up the block from me, *lucky me* Yeah she'll even watch to see if my car is home and if it's not she'll call my husband and tell him. Ha one time it was parked where you couldnt see it from the street and she called saying I wasnt home all day....my husband knew I was but yet did or said nothing. Anyway yeah, she remodled the house, got a pool got a new truck, bought a house for her one daughter, bought a new car for the other, got all new furniture ect. And now she's broke, and boo hooing that she has to get a job. Talk about falling in crap and come out smelling like a rose. I really try not to let her get to me because I know she just wants trouble and if I did let it get to me she'd get what she wants, but sometimes I cant stand it and it drives me up the wall. And now without my happy pills it's just all hitting the fan. I'm really not feeling good at all.

 

[Grama-Herc]

HIP HIP HOORAY FOR FIN"S "Room without a view"

What a fabulous idea. Now we all need to remember to not answer or address any post in this room!

Ha Ha now you guys are beginning to understand why I can't go out into the world. It is full of idiots and morons and things that go bump in the night.

Stop trying to convince me to get better and get a life. AUGH!!!!!!!!! I have a life and I enjoy it---most of the time------!!!!!!

I just want to scream AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA ! ! !

There, now I feel better. So the only thing left is to get my mother out of her bed. She is milking this cold for all it is worth. If she does not get out of bed and start walking she never will again and I refuse to let that happen. OH dear Lord, I feel the urge to scream again AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA ! !

OK, I gues I am done now.

 

[Shamstalat]

I want to support you and love you 24 hours of the day Mahi jan. I love you so much I wish I could give you that 24 hours a day love. But when I'm having flashbacks I am a dark person. I'm an angry person. I hate showing that to you but that is what happens when you call me during flashback time. I'm sorry it didn't go over well, whatever I said I'm sorry for (because I don't remember what I said at all). But I can't be a mother and a child in need at the same time and during my flashbacks I am a child in need. I know that sometimes you are a child in need too and that you need a mother, and sometimes we are both children in need at the same time, both in need of a loving parent to hold us and cradle us and tell us it's okay. I want to be that nurturing parent to you at 7:00 in the morning, but I can't be because that is usually when I'm having my recurring nightmares/flashbacks. I am a dark person then and I am as far from a nurturing parent as I could be, from a lover. This is the dark side of me the part of me that is still angry about all the abuse. I'm sorry love. I really didn't mean to trigger you on the phone this morning. Please know I do love you. I love you so much Mahi joon and I really hate triggering you like that. Hugs Mahi jan.

 

[Shamstalat]

I hate my family for not understanding.

I hate my family for not understanding myflashbacks that I need to talk to Mahi not before midnight not after 9am IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT because that is when I have my flashbacks and that is when she gets depressed and that is when we need each other most I wish my family would just understand that! God! UGH! I hate them so much right now! I hate them I hate them I hate feeling so alone in this household! I love you Mahi and I just want to be able to heal with you and healing doesn't happen from 9 to midnight healing happens at 2am at 3am and that's when we need to talk on the phone! God. I hate my family right now. **** them they're little pieces of shit I could ****ing punch them in the face right now!

Okay sorry about that...