My Mom Passed This Morning

[lostforgottensoul]

In case some dont know, I got the news that mom had retical cancer, never went to a doctor because she didnt believe in doctors (its a cult belief), it metastasized into her liver and many other organs by the time she got into the hospital there was nothing they could do and moved her to hospice a few days later.

She is one of my two main abusers, my step dad being the other and he died a few years ago. So im ok, right now anyway. Not crying or devistated or anything anyone would be when someone dies. I do feel something, a lot of something, but its rather a mixture of muck and I dont know what that muck is yet.

Now that she's finally gone, I wanted to start another thread to help navigate this because as hard as it was when I was first told she was dying, it flipped my entire world upside down & inside out, like mixing up a snow globe, volently. And Ive been in limbo since ive gotten the news and as horrible as this is to think, since she was dying, i wanted her to hurry up and die so i can start this healing thing again. Ive been numb most of the time, most especially around, or because of, my family's drama (she is not having a memorial, her sister is just going to put her's and my step dad's ashes inside of the crypt, but no family gathering to worry about but that also means no bereavement from work) so I have no idea what I feel yet. I can feel my "inner child" in pain, feel a tug at my chest, hard to breath etc. Also thoughts about being a horrible person about not going to see her. Im sure it will hit me over time and I fully expect it to turn my world insane again and likely worse so again im trying to stay aware and deliberate but I will need a lot of help to navigate this.

This had to have happened the week my therapist's sister passed so no appointment next week.

Anyway, this will be very hard and very rough to navigate and figure out. My mom has always been a very confusing subject, this has thrown a wrench in it and just made my world insane. I expect, in the coming days, to have this start to hit me. And I dont even know how to start moving again. So there it is. Insanity at it's best.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I understand a bit about the mixed feelings. When my dad died I learned after the fact and I just felt weird, I could not put the feelings into words, because mostly I had cut off all communication with him since the eighties.

I did not feel sad and I did feel relief that he could not harm anyone anymore. I am really sorry that your therapist is not available to you, yet you always have the option of a crises hot line to get ideas on how to cope.

You could always pc me to talk if you need to.:hug:

 

[trying2movefwd]

I am sorry you had to endure abuse through a Mother. I remember standing in front of the casket looking at my abuser. I dissociated (didn't know what it was at the time ) during the entire event (the wake and the ceremony ). I often have to remind myself that this particular abuser isn't alive any more. It sucks though as having PTSD means it often feels like the abuser is still hurting me (flashbacks are awful ).

 

[sun seeker]

:hug::hug::hug:

I'm in crisis at the moment and don't even have it to read through the post, but I am thinking of you and wishing you the strength to get through this.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@sun seeker, Im sorry to hear you are in crisis! Thank you for the thoughts! Im thinking at you in this tume too! :hug:

@gizmo, yeah, its a rather weird feeling. The 2 heads of the cult are dead now. Not sure about the 10 loyal followers but i have a feeling the cult died when my step father did, or even when he got alzheimer's and my mom has been like a fish out of water. Flopping around not sure where to go. Now that they are both dead, i dont know.

Im like @trying2movefwd, flashbacks nightmares, it stays alive in my head so it doesnt matter much that their dead. Though my therapist has asked about them abusing other children and i never knew if they had or hadnt though i think my step dad sexually abused my best friend growing up though she wont admit anything. My therapist googled them once in session and they were voluteering at some church as the CHILDREN'S director. Neither sang so not sure what "director" meant. So there is a bit of comfort to know they cant abuse anyone anymore.

@gizmo, im not in crisis at the moment. I promise if i get there that i'll chat and/or text with a crisis line.

I am trying not to dissociate. I want to rather badly. Anything to escape what is underneath this numbess...

 

[The Albatross]

A lot of what you relate about your mother's passing, I had to go through when my father passed. I hope that your world doesn't "turn insane again". But if you need a therapy appointment is a referral an option ... just to vent/process this? Hesitant to offer my condolences... as it's kinda prickly... but I am doing that for YOU... glad you're thinking about starting a thread or using your diary to work this thing through.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@The Albatross, I dont know about a referal. It took me years to build trust with my therapist and he will only be gone a week for his sister's funeral. Or even a few days. He told me he and his wife are going to try to dip into Chicogo for the funeral and dip out. So he will be there, just not at this present moment. I expect this will take a long while to work out.

Anyway, i can schedule another appointment when he will be working, if he has an opening as he gets booked fast. Its just easier to skip a week and just try to stay as numb as i can as when that numb sheild comes down is when insanity breaks loose. Though I dont have full control over it.

Sigh, I dont know. Irs rather hard to think at the moment.

 

[The Albatross]

Well then you have the forum and you're support here, 'k?

 

[Casey_03]

I'm sorry to hear this.

Anyway, this will be very hard and very rough to navigate and figure out. My mom has always been a very confusing subject, this has thrown a wrench in it and just made my world insane. I expect, in the coming days, to have this start to hit me. And I dont even know how to start moving again. So there it is. Insanity at it's best.

It's really good that you're aware of this. Regardless of how complicated your relationship with her was, it will still probably hit you hard and take a long time to fully process. The main thing is to get out everything you're feeling, even if you're not entirely sure what that is. We're all here for you.

 

[Sandstone]

You have my sympathetic support as you juggle all those conflicting emotions and experiences. I'm not sure I can offer anything in the way of advice, but you are in my mind and heart.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Thank you @The Albatross, @Casey_03, and @Sandstone!

@Casey_03, yeah, when I heard she was dying I wasnt expecting just how insane (snow globe shook very violently) my life would be. My job was on the line, everything became just insane. Id try to get a handle on it and id go competely numb, try to unnumb a bit and it would come all the way down then insanity again, back and forth. I expect this to be worse.

I guess its good i got a "trial run" (that sounds horrible) first. Ive been fully and cemented numb because of my family, protection from them and their insane drama so I told both my dad and step mom that i dont want to hear from any of them. I need to process this without that. So far they're only calling the home phone which I dont answer, I have it for my dad & step mom. So as long as they keep doing that and not get the bright idea to start texting me (which I will ignore but that will make then mad and become an angry bee hive again) then I can do this without the outside drama that always gums it all up.

My therapist had me back away from their drama as i couldnt move, therapy sessions were all about them for 3 years, i want to stay backed up.

They were all pressuring me to go see her and now that she's gone without a funeral or memorial to go to, I predict they will leave me alone but with my family you never know.

I was trying to get out the feelings that she was dying before she died but that was insanity. I predict this is going to take a while to even get to the feelings. Navigating through them is like walking through a mine field with your eyes closed. Well a mines are hidden but you know what i mean. I want to be deliberate. Take a stick and slowly poke at it, investigate it so it doeant explode in my face. Not sure its going to be that simple though.

I can say a lot of miss aimed rage will be first. I know i have the site but i also fear that i will have over the top emotional reactions and not have a clue im having them. Another reason im trying to remain as aware as i can. If i need to come off the site for a day or longer then i want to be aware of it.

Worrying. Im a big worrier...

 

[The Albatross]

All the way up to the "worring/big worrier" thing. We got enough stress without manufacturing some more, eh?