My Mom Passed This Morning

[Enaila]

You are still experiencing a loss and that hurts in its own way. The loss of an abuser makes it more final, but there is always that underlying loss of what you wish could have been. One of my abusers died, my ex husband, and I still go through the grieving process over the loss of the marriage and the what ifs.

A frequent topic of my therapy sessions is what if my father dies? He was the other abuser when I was little and still scares me now. He lives in the same city, but thankfully it is a large one. I don't know how I will feel. I always wanted a father who loved me for who I am and cared more about me than objects. I wonder if there will be relief he can't hurt my mother and I, but I know I will still have a sense of loss over what I wish could have been.

It sure is a complicated world. I offer condolences to you for whatever loss you may be feeling and will keep you in my thoughts during these confusing times.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Thank you @Enaila! Yeah, I hit "what ifs"a few days ago and figure that's going to be a big thing with my "inner child" whom hold hope she would "come around' and be the mom we needed.

I didnt feel much when my step dad died. He stayed alive in my head and so it was just weird. My mom is way more complicated and so the emotions are way more intense and way more of them.

Its so complicated and being that the cult beliefs arent fully squashed yet it makes it way more complicated.

 

[void]

@lostforgottensoul

May you achieve peace.

Bereavement leave IS avail. even if there is no memorial/funeral.....leave is granted because of the loss....NOT how or if the loss is acknowledge with a ceremony.

 

[ladee]

Thinking of you LFS, It is a complicated situation and glad to know how aware you are of the possibilities... we are here for you.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Bereavement leave IS avail. even if there is no memorial/funeral.....leave is granted because of the loss....NOT how or if the loss is acknowledge with a ceremony.

Not at my job, or at least not anymore. You have to copy one of those handout things and email it to HR. People were taking it saying "my grandma died" 5 times and then going to the beach; abusing it. The company stopped taking people at their word. Im not sure if an obit would work. They generally ask for one of the handouts but they just want to prove the death. I did ask.

If there was a memorial, my dad said he was going to go and he was going to give me a hand out but yeah, no memorial.

I can search obits and ask but working is a good distractor and being around my dad & step mom is annoying and frustrating so i dont know.

Thank @ladee!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I can search obits and ask

My dad just said they dont have obits usually without some sort of cerimoney and i googled her name and there isnt anything about her death.

 

[Sideways]

I don't know what the 'grieving process' is supposed to look like when the person who has passed did what she did to you. I hope that the hurt and confusion is ultimately healing for you. Either way, thoughts are with you LFS. She will not have a chance to harm another soul, ever.

 

[PTSDfree]

Not at my job, or at least not anymore. You have to copy one of those handout things and ema...

Do you have a copy of her death certificate? I imagine that would work.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I dont know either @Ragdoll Circus. Its hard to navigate. I do have normal grief that one would expect, along with mixed very intense stuff from my past, along with a massive amount of rage, along with very deep sadness for loosing any hope that she's ever be a mom i needed now as well as my whole life. I know there really no chance in that but somewhere in me i held onto that hope so theres that loss. Its a mixed up insane muck. I cant seem to pick out anything yet and have a massive urge to cut but dont know why. Thise urges pretty well went away or at least eased a ton and only had that urge after my dad said what he did (and is now prending he didnt say) but a cutting urge is different. Never thought id be saying that. But anyway, not sure what its about.

Also having some weird ritual urge which i havent had for months. So some weird stuff going on. I work mon - fri now so off today and tomorrow so ive been sleeping mostly today. Last week or 4 or so days ive been waking up every night soaked with sweat. Dont know what thats about either. I have clonidine in my internal pain pump for neuopathy and thats been helping with nightmares so i dont know why they are back.

Do you have a copy of her death certificate?

No. And i dont talk to any of the family. Likely her sister has it and it would cost about $10 and not sure i can get it. I can call the place that's is cremating her. I dont know.

Not real sure I want bereavement. I dont know. Staying home with my dad & step mom just today us about to make me flip my lid. My dad is a VERY CRANKY old guy & step mom annoying. Both are annoying.

I wish she had an obit, that's easy. Not sure if death certificates are public records, but if so I thought i could google it and i dont get anything when I google her but it was just this morning. So i dont know. But get nothing about her death on a google search of her name. So i dont know.

Did i say "i dont know" lol. Sorry.

 

[Enaila]

You are having to handle a flood of emotions, which is difficult for those WITHOUT PTSD and extremely difficult for those of us with PTSD. I know that is when my urges to self harm increase.....when I am feeling like I am out of control. Take time to do some self care!

 

[Panda Bear]

I'm really sorry @lostforgottensoul. Is that okay for me to say?

I get the whole deal, it's a really confusing time. When our abusers die, it's just weird.....grief, the whole mess. Especially when they've abused us. Grant yourself some time and just see where this goes. Take it easy on yourself and know that you are loved.

 

[Tinyflame]

(((((((((( @lostforgottensoul )))))))))