Relationship Errrm,,,,, Like What The Actual F??

[redsandy]

Family dynamics?
To be honest,,, I know nothing about it
I get the odd visit, I feed them, welcome them and then they leave
After the shit bomb I messaged his dad, saying I am finding it hard to cope with his behaviour on my own, asking for support - it hasn't been acknowledged
Head in the sand
It's a whole bag of dicks :(

 

[Sweetpea76]

My vet got a diagnosis and help after being sectioned following a dissociation where the police were called. He wasn't violent at all, he was just blacked out and back in Iraq. His then wife was scared and she called the cops on him because he didn't see or hear her.

He spent around 6 months in an inpatient treatment center, and then started going to the VA after he got out. Then they weren't able to fit him in for appointments anymore, so they stopped seeing him because he was stable enough not to hurt himself or others.

My vet has never hurt anybody or been violent, except a few fights in bars when he was younger. He is the least violent person I know. He said he's seen enough violence for 2 lifetimes. We have guns in the house, and I'm not bothered. He had guns when he dissociated and never went near them.

PTSD isn't going to cause a nonviolent person to become violent, but if he's dissociated and thinks he's in danger he may hurt you on accident.

It's hard to say what the warning signs are... Not everybody "flips" or "snaps". A lot of times the symptoms just get so bad day to day it becomes impossible to function.

Have you read up on PTSD symptoms?

 

[redsandy]

My vet got a diagnosis and help after being sectioned following a dissociation where the police were...

Yes,, he has sweats, easily irritated, not sleeping, forgetfulness, sometimes stammers, will refer to himself in third person terms, unhappy, lethargic, go's along with family stuff but there's no joy,,, says this should be the best time of his life but he's miserable and doesn't know why --- then, if I try to expand on that he denies its a constant state and surprise surprise I'm a nag again
He imagines the reactions of others, and its most always detrimental - and then he becomes evasive
He's really into conspiracy theories at the moment
Most things, even if just innocent questions like, I dunno "are you taking a bath or can I go and clean there?" Is taken as a criticism, and never answered properly - I'll get a long list of what he's doing, what he's got to do and its delivered stressy,,,,and the question remains

 

[EveHarrington]

Oh sorry-------definite ass hole stuff!

 

[redsandy]

Oh sorry-------definite ass hole stuff!

Last night I'm damn sure I was both hoovered and gaslighted simultaneously
He knew our conversation was going to be about residual stress
I had text him saying we needed to talk about it - and honestly wasn't expecting him to call seeing as he avoids the subject.
So he rang, and that's the first phone call I've had in a month (before that 6- im usually managed by text and email) so I started thinking maybe he's open to it after all
I raised it, as kindly and non judgemental as I could and I'm told I'm being manipulative and trying to make him crazy - I said I'm sorry he feels like that but it's not the case, then I bring up his sleeping and denies being awake all night when here even though I have seen it with my own eyes
Then he slams the phone down
So I text him, saying I'm sorry he doesn't like hearing what I'm saying but that I won't be tolerating his aggro responses anymore, give him contact info for confidential help, tell him I am removing myself from this situation until he can treat me properly and sort out his behaviour,,, then I tell him I'm not leaving him, I love him very much it's just that I'm looking after myself
This morning there's a text from him offering a holiday for us --- eehhh what?
So I respond saying it's a lovely gesture, and I'd love to be able to do that, but I don't feel safe doing that right now, and tell him I love him again
It's so very sad,,, he's jumbled up inside.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Good for you! You're standing up for yourself and setting boundaries... Sounds like it made him think twice.

 

[redsandy]

You know what I love the most about being able to come here?
Its the understanding, it's the support and its the feeling that you guys have got my back
I feel safe and heard here
And I'm happy to refer others here without doubt
Xx

 

[redsandy]

You know what I love the most about being able to come here?
Its the understanding, it's the support a...

Oh I forgot!
He wanted us both to make lists about what we don't like about each other
I refused - I don't want to sit and read a list of personal insults based on projections
I did it by saying that there's actually nothing about him that I don't like, that I adore him, I just don't like the way his behaviour under stress makes me feel, and that to write bad things down isn't going to help, it would just be a list of personal insults
He was silent.
I think there's a small chance of a break through - I just hope I don't trigger a flip in the process

 

[Sighs]

I just hope I don't trigger a flip

I've learnt that everything and nothing can trigger my vet. So do what you need to do for you - if he flips make sure you and any children in the periphery are safe. His flip = his responsibility not yours.