Can't Express Negative Emotions (i.e. Anger)

[Longing_for_the_sea]

Does anyone feel like they don't ever have a right to express anger? That giving into it is 'bad' and when it happens there is just an overwhelming feeling of wanting to rid yourself of it? Things that make most people livid, just roll off because I feel like I have NO right to get mad. Everyone does stupid things... I do too. I don't like it when people get angry at me... I just want to disappear, and I never want to make someone else feel that way. It is an awful feeling to want to just dig a hole and crawl away because someone is really angry with you. I can't ever feel right about making someone else feel that bad. So I minimize and stuff... everything.

What do you do?

 

[ladee]

I used to feel that way , until it had been shoved for so long it turned into rage. From upset to rage, in a heartbeat... Because I had always been shamed to death for being angry, while all the lunatics around me stayed angry all the time... it was so crazymaking !!! When my PTSD blew the doors off of my life, Thereapy is what helped me.... I found out it was ok to be angry.... not always ok with the way I wanted to act it out... So it was a long process for me.... I do understand how you feel.... the guilt and shame of making someone else angry, and wanting to die because I was such a f*ck up that someone would get angry at me... I didn't know what to do.... but when the rage started... I knew I had to have help to understand my own feelings, how to express them, how to channel them... ect.... but I started where you are now... and I know those feelings well.
Very glad you are here !!! Many people will understand where you are coming from... hope to see you around as you get comfortable... so many very caring people here to help on your healing journey.

 

[Longing_for_the_sea]

Thank you for sharing your experience ladee. I often worry about it escalating as you described. Especially since it seems to be more difficult to manage when I am tired or stressed. My feelings tend to burst out before I can get them under wraps... I don't like that at all. It is not healthy for a relationship or for me.

 

[ladee]

It is a scary feeling when we know it's there, and we try so hard to keep it down. It seeps out or blurts out sometimes and don't know about you, but it only made me feel worse... I do hope you have a Therapist... and it seems to be something you are very concerned about...so am really hoping you seek professional help before you end up like I did... it just added to the self hatred and caused so many unnecessary rifts with people I really cared about...
And my son. I can never go back an undo the fear I caused in him... has taken me a long long time to forgive myself on this issue...
So really think about getting a T to work with you on this... hopefully my experience will save you some grief and heartache. Wouldn't that be awesome!!! Then I will know that I didn't go thru it in vain, that I was able to share with someone that it can be worked on before it goes the rage route... will be thinking of you. Keep me updated and know that I truly understand. Sending gentle hugs if you accept....

 

[Tinyflame]

I can relate to what you both @Longing_for_the_sea & @ladee describe, but not the rage part.

 

[sedna]

Does anyone feel like they don't ever have a right to express anger? That giving into it is...

Hi Longing for the sea,

I had the same experience Ladee had. Maybe it doesnt work exactly the same for everyone, but after a lifetime of being passive and feeling incapable of aggression, I completely exploded with rage. That was 5 years ago, I'm still afraid of my own temper, and so is everyone else.

What I didnt realize, was that I wasnt not angry, I was terrified of what would happen if I expressed anger so I was totally disassociated from it.

When something happens that pushes you over the edge, theres no going back. I can go from 0 to 100 in a second. I dont care who sees it and I feel no embarrassment. I feel no fear, just insane with the power rush of rage. Its actually a great feeling, like scratching an itch and you just cant stop.
Then later, the shame and helplessness sets in.

Its similar to when I used to go out with my friends drinking in college, and I thought it was a great time, then the next day I'd realize that I'd made an ass out of myself or did something gross. Except Im in my 40's and I'm drunk with the power rush of anger.

I'm glad that the idiot with the truck just snapped at me about how I parked my car, because I'm going to shock the shit out of him and enjoy it. It feels crazy.

I dont pick fights with people, but my teenage boys live in fear that someone will insult me or be rude when we're out somewhere, because they know I wont walk away.

Maybe you're different, its totally possible, but I think maybe feeling a little apathetic and unable to feel anger is a sign that there's too much repressed. Try if you can to work through some of this with your counselor.

 

[ladee]

One of the greatest gifts my T gave me during that time, was sharing ALL the feelings that can happen before rage.... I remember feeling like a kid in amazement at hearing her explain it... because I would go from upset to rage , BOOM, I too enjoyed that powerful feeling,,, but hated myself immensely when all was said and done.
I haven't raged in years now... when I do, I get physically sick... the release of all that adrenaline literally makes me sick to my stomach. my head will hurt for days.... my body goes into shock.... I disassociate for days.... and to think, that used to make me feel ten feet tall and bullet proof... it's a process.... to learn how to self regulate... ask you T, maybe they can help you find a way to slow things down.
It always broke my heart that my son was afraid of me... to this day, he has issues with people being angry.... I don't take it on like I used to. He's a grown man and has to deal with that in his own way... but my rage had long lasting, long reaching consequences ..... makes me feel sad for the Ladee that had to do that to survive....

 

[Longing_for_the_sea]

I can relate to what you both @Longing_for_the_sea & @ladee descri...

Junebug, Hi. How long have you been unable to express your anger? I am in my mid fifties and it has been since my teens, I think. Maybe before, but there's so much I can't remember at all.

 

[Longing_for_the_sea]

Hi Longing for the sea,

I had the same experience Ladee had. Maybe it doesnt work exactly the same for...

Over the years, there has been a certain type of individual that sets me off and I do show anger then... but in a very restrained way. Only once have I lost control and it was on my abusive husband. I just let loose verbally. I didn't hit or hurt anyone or break anything. Just threw clothing and bedsheets on the floor for emphasis and paced a lot. I yelled very loud and let loose much of my angst for so many things, very long and very frustrated. It felt good to unleash it. But, then it closed back up and I went back to stuffing. My children took so much abuse, that I didn't want to heap more upset on them. People are so broken...

My angst lies with those that do the breaking of them. The perpetrators of pain who don't care and have no regard for others feelings, or what lives they ruin... those people enrage me. But in most cases I simply seethe and back away quietly and unfortunately it was that reaction to abusiveness that caused me to stay and let it happen to my own children for 17 years. That is a guilt I carry.

It is the healthy upset I have problems with. The daily needs and frustrations in dealing with others... asking for what I want, etc. Just the normal things most people do without even thinking about it...

 

[ladee]

@Longing_for_the_sea , if you put a @ before Junebugs name, she will be notified that you asked her a question.... And welcome to the forum... takes a little time to learn how to navigate here so if you have any questions, please feel free to ask....

 

[Gamera3000]

I am like this too. It's hard to make me angry, but when I am people have said that they're afraid of me. My husband will cringe like I'm about to hit him, even though I have NEVER hit him. I guess it's a look on my face.

I guess I do this disassociating stuff to avoid getting angry. My dad was murdered after getting angry and having a fight with another guy. The other guy hunted him down and killed him the next day, partially because of the fight and I think partially because my dad looked different. I grew up being pretty aware of that story. I was only one when it happened, so I only know it as a story. I don't remember it.

 

[Longing_for_the_sea]

Yeah, about the therapist/counselor thing. I don't have one. No coverage for mental health and have bare bones coverage through Obama care. Never used it... only have it to avoid the fines that I can't afford to pay... so I am on my own for this.