Falling Apart.

[Go Hungry]

So hey again. I was feeling better for a long time, and thought I was 'over it'.. I thought I had my symptoms really in hand.. and maybe I did. But that time seems to be over. The Curse is so strong right now.

I've missed so much time from work that they put me on restricted leave, which is the first step towards write-ups and likely termination. I'm trying to get FMLA set up, but the doctors just seem to be playing ping-pong. Go to one, they say they can't fill them out; go to the other, they say the same thing. It's turning out to be much more difficult than I expected.

Ofcourse a lot of things have changed recently. I moved 50 miles (1 hour drive) away from work. I fell in love with a wonderful woman who's changed my life in so many ways, all for the better. And it's amazing, because so many of the things that I've wanted to do in my life are things she already does. So she's helping me branch out into new experiences. I'm seriously growing as a person because of her.

I even asked her to marry me the other night.

But all this stress.. Moving twice in two months, the long drive to work, the little clashes here and there... it all adds up I suppose. The worst is work. Holy goddess, f*cking work.

I'm a failure at my job. People can spin it any way they like, but the fact is that I've let my boss and my entire dept down, hard, several times. Nearly been fired twice. I even tricked them into keeping me, when I filed a request for disability accommodations the day before they were going to can me. I thought I was being clever, but after talking with the disability guy and examining my symptoms and recent behaviour... it's clear to me that I desperately need the help.

I'm falling apart. The Fear is striking me more and more often. Just yesterday I had to take my girl with me to the doctors office because I was so scared. The drugs I'm on don't seem to really be working. Also because I just naturally downplay all my troubles, as I'm a people pleaser...

And the shame.. Holy crap the shame is on me. I don't really remember it from before so much, but the shame of being broken, of thinking that somehow I could have stopped what happened, and that somehow I can stop the current storms. I'm overpowered and desperate.

 

[pixel]

Hi, welcome back. You've taken a good step!

 

[Stickler]

Hey, this stuff hits in waves.
Your trauma is childhood and involving family? I think yours are but my spectacular memory ain't so great anymore.

My trauma is all childhood. Close relationships are triggery to me. They may be for you. So getting into a major relationship? Good stressor, but a stressor and a trigger.

Are you in therapy?

Try to get into a PhD therapist who can sign off on FMLA paperwork?

Maybe go to a psych ER if you have one around and you think they'll assist you?

 

[Mach123]

I always lived/felt like that. All my adult life. It's really not your fault. I know how hard it is, I understand how you want to blame yourself. Yesterday, I hit the wall myself. It had been a long time and I never thought I would feel like that again, but I did. I'm on my way to the therapist now lol.

It's no laughing matter to feel the way you describe. It's easy to say "get some help" but, it's not so easy to come by. Working/dealing with people is by far the hardest thing. (no people, no pressure, no triggers)

It's not your fault, that's all I can say really, I think that's the most important thing.

 

[The Albatross]

Hi Go Hungry, what other measures are you taking to get the help you need?
Glad that you came back for support here when you needed it.

What do you need to do to be able to keep your job?
What do you need to do to be able to regain stability?
What were the factors that lead to so much missed time at work?

Can you reframe the fear and shame as something more like realizing that "there are difficulties to be attended to and resolved and actions are necessary to avoid unwanted consequences"? Sometimes shifting it that way will ease it up enough for me to get busy problem solving.

 

[Go Hungry]

@Stickler: Most of it was childhood trauma, but there was some when I was about 19 (still a child really) that caused another personality to erupt. I'm not seeing a therapist right now (flat broke) but I've gotten the number of one from my PCP. I hope at least that person can fill out the FMLA.

@The Albatross : I've contacted the disability guy at work about some things. And gotten some EAP brochures.. I guess I should call them today. In order to get back in the good graces at work, I believe I would largely just have to show up to work and do it. I've had a lot more trouble doing that lately.. It's a very long drive, and weighing on me more than I thought it would. There is something though, a bus I can take in... My fiancee is disabled with fibromyalgia, and sometimes taking care of her means late nights and early mornings.. Sleep is an issue sometimes. We're finally done moving (though not unpacking) so that's a relief. I do find myself stretched thin sometimes I think. I had to do almost all of the move by myself, and I think that had a bigger effect than I thought it did. So now that those things are over, I think it'll be much better. Also worried about money. I really racked up alot of CC debt during the move, and paying that down worries me. I'm the only one with a conventional job. My fiancee and her daughter are artists, so the money comes in sporadically. It's hard to get used to, being flat motherf*cking broke one day and then having $250 the next. More stress.

This is not to say that my girl is a nonstop drain on me. When the pain isn't on her, she's a riot. =)

But regaining stability. I don't know what it's going to take.

 

[Go Hungry]

Oh, and thank you all for the warm greetings.. It's nice to feel welcome somewhere.

 

[The Albatross]

Sounds to me like the increase of stressors (not all of them bad in any way, but by volume) combined with your self recognized tendency to downplay (ignore internal warning signs?) situations and postpone actions til the dam is fixing to bust... and yeah people pleasing (remember I'm a care giver, and I'm not any good to anyone for very long if I'm not taking care of myself and my own needs too eh)... all in combination led you to this point.

BUT... framing it as difficulties to be solved or resolved, an opportunity for personal growth... and problem solving is a whole lot better than fear or shame, right???

Just know I here you and am happy that other areas in your life have gone so well ... and I hope you'll continue to share as you resolve these things?

 

[KwanYingirl]

I like @The Albatross post. I, too, have recently fallen apart, and it was hugely helpful to be reminded that I was in an unusually high stress situation. Things don't have to be near fatal to be stressful, it's just that a brain and body with PTSD is dysregulated. Work? Huge stressor! Moving! Huge stressor!! Even for normal people, so ride the wave, it will subside, you won't have a ton of mental and physical demands, maybe half a ton, then a quarter. I get really triggered, then as time goes on, my affect shifts from anxious to flat and then I get sort of ok for awhile. I am technically disabled and I can't do my job unless I have a three hour break in the middle of the day. I'll never be able to work full time and miss the money that comes with working full time. Fortunately, and by design, I am self employed. Gone are the days that I toil under the greedy thumb of corporate America.
Try to soothe yourself. Unpack a box, then rest. Don't forget to eat, I always forget to eat and wonder why I have no stamina. No appetite? Try protein shakes. The protein is very helpful to the brain. Good luck with the commute. Maybe a bus would give you a chance to unwind instead of ramping up dealing with traffic. I hope your new home fits once the dust settles and as you settle too.

 

[Go Hungry]

Yeah, I do need to keep the amount of stresses in mind, I suppose. It's hard to do so when I'm caught up in how much I love this lady though. Just seeing her makes me smile, and so I'm probably not doing the mental housekeeping that I need to. It really has been a long stretch without any real relaxation. I moved into her apt on June 1st, then by July 1st decided that we weren't going to live in that shithole anymore, then moved us into a rental house (it's awesome) by August 1st. Yesterday was the last day to get everything out, and I did.

I would really just love to lay back and let the others unpack and stuff, but it kinda seems like... I hate to say this, but for the past few months, it feels like I'm doing almost everything. Dishes, laundry, cleaning.. all the household stuff that I got used to doing when I was single, I just keep doing that stuff.

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

 

[The Albatross]

It is good that you are acknowledging what all you have been doing. Takes the sting out of shame when you do a quick tally doesn't it? ;)