Can Anyone Relate? Do You Do This?

[I_will_recover]

wants it, almost needs it to be who I was/am, not who I was meant to be.

My trauma defines me - I am my trauma

And that makes me feel not like a victim but like a hopeless being riding my life out until it ends.

 

[Megyn]

My trauma defines me - I am my trauma

And that makes me feel not like a victim but like a hope...

Are you in therapy?
It's good you are honest. In all my years in therapy I don't think I could ever admit how much my trauma defined/s me.

 

[katz]

It sure is good to know that I'm not alone when I think of doing this. Every chance I get I just drive thru the old neighborhood and look at each place something happened. Some times I even get out of the car.
One time I actually walked back into the woods and found "the very" tree. I was crying softly as I walked quietly. I found out that by doing this multiple times, I would cry just a little bit less. Now, I hardly even think of this place or event. The thought pops in to my head and I can just acknowledge it and then go on. I think that I just needed to grieve for the pain and the loss of that little girl and what she went thru so long ago.

 

[Megyn]

It sure is good to know that I'm not alone when I think of doing this. Every chance I get I just drive thr...

Exactly. I replied the same in another thread about reenacting my abuse. I'll feel this trance come over me, which I only realized two days ago because of someone else's post, it's co-consciousness ? It's like my little one is out and I'm watching and can't stop what's happening. (The car metaphor- she's driving, I'm the passenger). I might reenact a scenario once, or 5 times, but I guess once it's been processed (and I don't know how I come to that decision/conclusion), once it's been processed I never do it again. The compulsion to do it is relentless in the beginning and then I'll never even think to do it again at some point.

It's sad, scary, shameful, embarrassing... to think of the things I've done, or if anyone ever "caught" me, they'd think I was certifiable.

One time I, adult me, was able to get thru. I told little me this isn't necessary, you don't have to do this to yourself, you are safe, I love you and will protect you. Her breath slowed down, her whimpers quieted. We got up, laid down and fell asleep.

I hate that it happens, but I also understand it's part of the process.

Sorry to go off on a tangent. This just all sort of fits together for me and it's really been bothering me. Thanks for listening...

Can you talk about what happened? The tree ...

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

This whole thread, all the posts, has been enormously helpful for me. It's reassuring to know I'm not alone in deliberately ruminating, triggering myself, and acting out sexual trauma either alone or with my (female) partner (hey, at least I'm not enacting it with random men like I did in my early teens or choosing abusive women like I did in my late teens and early 20s!) I'm back in t in my late 40s, after having done a lot of t and honestly a lot of good work 25-30 years ago. But I haven't been in t for about 10 to 12 years now (couples/family) and I haven't been in individual t since my early 30s. This is the best T I've ever had, and I'm really trying hard to be honest. But I'm afraid once I start to tell her some of these things she's going to get that look in her eye (you know the one, when you've over-shared and freaked someone out or overwhelmed them?) I'm worried she'll think I'm sick and twisted, or just plain bad because why else would I do or think some of these things unless I was hopelessly, masochistically, re-enacting my trauma or must have liked it (and thus deserved what I got.) Intellectually I know she probably won't feel that way or believe that about me, but I can't help feeling such shame and self-disgust and fear of rejection.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

I used to spend hours at a time reading media reports about child abusers. Once I became interested in a particular case, I came back day after day to read about these specific cases. It does trigger me.

Over time, I've found that such actions lead me to process my own stuff more deeply. Also, they get me thinking about what I can do, in my own little corner of the world, to help prevent such problems. And, then again, I feel relief when the DOJ steps in and crushes the perpetrators.

Sometimes, strangers around the world send letters, stuffies, and other gifts to the abused child in question, and I am greatly relieved to see that there are those in the world who care, who think like I do.

I just need to be careful how much time I spend doing this 'work'.

Ben

 

[katz]

This whole thread, all the posts, has been enormously helpful for me. It's reassuring to know...

Thank you Lola. I have the same problem. I have never-to this day-ever told anyone exactly what he did. I'm between T right now. I hope I can find one that I can trust. Maybe, just maybe, I can find one that I will learn to trust.

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

I have never-to this day-ever told anyone exactly what

Yes, I understand that Katz. I can tell people the "Chapter Headings," but I never actually read the book to anyone. I never, ever talk about the details. I was still able to do good work all those years ago without disclosing exactly what it was like at ages 4-6, age 11, 14-15, as an adult ... but now those details are what's haunting me. I hope you find a T you can trust and do whatever healing you're ready to do now, with some support. It sounds like you were doing your own exposure therapy, and that it was truly effective, which is really impressive! I'm encouraged by what you've shared. Thank you.

 

[Megyn]

This whole thread, all the posts, has been enormously helpful for me. It's reassuring to know...

I'm glad it has helped you because it has helped me too, knowing I'm not the only one.

I get really scared because I'm getting married and I too am afraid my partner will think what we do in private is me reenacting? But I'm also afraid I AM reenacting with him, only in my mind, and that something I might be turned on by today might be a trigger at a later time.

I was celibate for 10yrs prior to meeting him because sex started to trigger me violently, altho at the time I didn't know what was happening. Like I could make out and everything up to the point of intercourse and I'd start crying uncontrollably, have shallow breathing, rapid heart beat and dry heaving. Try explaining that to someone who hasn't a clue about CSA. Anyways, after that I could only have sex with men in their 20s and early 30s. Mid 30s and up and omg, men with salt/pepper hair? Forget it. If I saw a man who looked like that even across the street from me I'd freak the f*ck out.

Anyways, I just eventually didn't want sex anymore because it entailed too much. I was a little nervous with my partner the first time. I knew I'd done a lot of work to get better, but I was apprehensive about putting it to the test. And get this, the first time we did it, he asked me, ASKED me if it was ok. No one EVER asked me if it was ok to have sex. I didn't cry in the moment, but in therapy I did.

Sex was good with him. (He lives in Australia and was here for 3 weeks, we've known each other 2+yrs. I never thought I'd meet someone online, but really, it was a very "safe" way for me to get to know a man. It wasn't a dating site, believe it or not it was Twitter) Except one night it wasnt. Something on tv triggered me bad (I don't watch tv, don't have one as its very triggering for me). It's like we weren't even messing around but after the trigger, I became like a child (he didn't see cuz it was dark, altho I told him later), I curled up and plugged my ears with my fingers. Ppl on tv were having sex and I cldnt stand the sounds of it. I guess because I felt so threatened in my triggered, dissociated/flashback-ey state, the little girl left and a teenager (maybe?) came out. Again, I was aware of all of this, watching as its happening. I started to come on to him in a very, idk, confident, aggressive way. I felt completely in control, not in a healthy good way. I felt like I had power over him, and could "hurt" him if I wanted to :/ This was last year and I only told him last week that this happened...

Oy, this doesn't have much to do with your response, which I am thankful for. Besides being here for myself, I always hope that something I've experienced will resonate with another and let them know they are not alone...

I guess bottom line, my sexuality, which has always been screwed up, I feel is very unstable right now, very up and down.

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

Oy, this doesn't have much to do with your response, which I am thankful for.

No, I get it, I really do. I'm so glad to hear that you have someone who cares enough and even *thought* to ask before initiating sex! I am so blessed to have an amazing wife (just celebrated our 23rd anniversary), who is also an amazing sexual partner ... AND intimacy is still often "fraught" for me. Especially since the MDD and PTSD (w/ full-on FBs, new memories, and nightmares) came back about 9-10 months ago. My wife and I are very compatible sexually, but I keep wanting to push the BDSM boundaries, and that scares her. She usually can take me where I want/need to go, but we're both worried about the whole reenacting = a turn-on = a trigger, all mixed together. I'm just not sure how to talk about this with my T, some of the edgier practices, what turns me on, fantasies, what triggers me, shames me, and makes me cry (but I still do it), etc. etc. I'm working up to it. Actually, I'm thinking about using this thread to give my T an inkling of what I'm talking about. Again, it's just a huge relief not to feel so damn alone all the time. Thanks for sharing!

 

[I_will_recover]

Are you in therapy?
It's good you are honest. In all my years in therapy I don't think I could ever admit...

Yes but it's been via phone infrequently since June. I'll start seeing him again in person in September. I suspect he knows I feel like I am my trauma but this is the first time I've verbalized it. It's scary to even retread that response.

 

[I_will_recover]

I'm thinking about using this thread to give my T an inkling of what I'm talking about.

I wholeheartedly support this!!! Your T will be grateful for your sharing in any capacity.