Body Flashbacks And Dissociation

[Candy S]

New to this... just figured howto create my own thread.

Background - My stepdad molested / raped me from my ages 8-11 (as far as I can remember. I was then raped t the age of 20 on a date. I am in therapy for the 2nd time in my life. The first time was after my stepdad died. I was in therapy for 7 years. The second tme started in April of this year.

I am in in therapy with a great therapist who is using EMDR. i have been processing the rape at 20. I think that soon we will progress to proessing the molestaion / rape by my stepdad. The processing of the rape at 20 has been extremely painful, more so than I thought it would be. I have had flashbacks, body memories, nightmares, panic attacks and always the fear of being trapped or touched (by a male). I did not float during or after the rape.

Now that we will soon start processing the 8-11 year old stuff, I find that I am terrifed to go back there. The reason is - I 'floated' durng a lot of the molestaton and from what I see in my flashback, during most of he rape. What I see happening in the flashback would have been very painful, but because I floated, i don't remember feeling pain or even seeing blood.

My Question is - If I floated, is it possible that my body did not store this pain? The body flashbacks to my age 20 are very frightening. I was hoping that i I floated that there may be a possibility that I would not have a body flashback to what happened when I was 8-11 years old. I am terrified that I will feel it.

 

[bumbleweed]

Candy, you've taken a bold, profound step.
I believe that any traumatic responses you feel during EMDR,
you could talk to your therapist about them.
You may find you can 'exercise' so much of these symptoms
with EMDR.

 

[Candy S]

I have and will continue to keep my therapist very much in the loop. I write poetry and journals and let her have a copy - no matter how crazy I feel that week. I have had a dramattic reduction in nightmares since April, and have fewer panic attacks.

I guess I was hoping that perhaps because I floated during the abuse between the ages of 8-11, and did not during the rape at 20, that I wouldn't have stored in my body the pain that happened when I was a child in my body. My flashback to the rape at 20 also includes body memories

 

[Mim28]

New to this... just figured howto create my own thread.

Background - My stepdad molested / raped me f...

Hi Candy, I did EMDR and by no means were my experiences as severe as yours, but I did process childhood memories that have impact my self esteem and they were the hardest and took the longest and I cried so hard I felt years of relief when it was done. You are so strong to have endured this all. As a parent of a daughter who was raped I could just scream for you! But she is strong and so are you. I'm glad you are here and I'm glad you are trying.

 

[Candy S]

Thank you Mim28. I appreciate your words. I will not give up.