Can Anyone Relate? Do You Do This?

[Megyn]

No, I get it, I really do. I'm so glad to hear that you have someone who cares enough and even...

Yep, the bdsm thing. God, idk, I was never a watcher of porn but now... I wouldn't be able to watch it with anyone else. It's ALWAYS been a trigger (my dad had lots of porn around, pictures were taken of me during abuse as a child, group sex). I watch it alone, have been for two years. In some ways I thought of it as exposure therapy, desensitize myself, but now I used it to trigger myself, or used to, I can trigger myself fairly easily now. I mean, I don't LIKE to, I just do. And this is supposed to be a place where I can be honest because it's anonymous and I have a hard time (ashamed) with that, so... I do crazy things to myself, sexually, reenacting, forcing myself to do things (like I was forced when I was young), hurt myself, both emotionally and physically, less physical now, I seem to be past that in a way. It was almost like cutting tho, it released some built up shit in me. That's all I can say rn, it's too embarrassing. I, too, can't tell my T. I don't like talking about sex, having sex, nevermind talking about masturbating. And a step further, masturbating to my abuse :/

 

[I_will_recover]

Yep, the bdsm thing.

I spent YEARS in the community as a dominant it an attempt to taken control since I had no control over my own sexuality as a CSA. It garnered deep respect, an occasional a little fear from others being "the top". As a child what I thought were lessons about how to behave as a sexual being was simply nothing more than trauma and abuse. And while I have respect for the kink community (they tend to be accepting and nonjudgmental) I can say I saw a lot of people attempting to work out there s#!+ there instead of coming in after they had successfully conquered their monsters. Sorry if off topic. It 4am.

 

[Megyn]

I spent YEARS in the community as a dominant it an attempt to taken control since I had no contr...

Yes, I tend to think that most ppl in that community have been psychologically, sexually damaged in some way, but I also know Im projecting my reasons onto an entire community. Idk, it's confusing, while there can be .. eh, idk. I do know that I was watching something once and I literally saw the actress/model, whatever they're called (it's 5:49, I can barely think anymore!) literally dissociate during a scene.

I hate when any of those actresses say that they do it because it empowers them or they're comfortable/confident with their sexuality because they inevitably break down at some point.

Must. Go. To. Sleep.

 

[katz]

I'm glad it has helped you because it has helped me too, knowing I'm not the only one.

I get really sca...

Don't be upset with your self for having difficulty with sex/relations with anyone. Always remember that it's not your fault. If he really loves you, he will accept you for who you are--now. If he does not, then he would not have been good for you. You deserve the love you missed. I hope everything goes go well.

I'm am still, to this day, having a terrible time with it.

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

while I have respect for the kink community (they tend to be accepting and nonjudgmental) I can say I saw a lot of people attempting to work out there s#!+ there instead of coming in after they had successfully conquered their monsters.

I appreciate your post, @I_will_recover. I think it's important not to pathologize one's sexuality, whatever that is, so long as it is safe, *responsible* and consensual. I certainly have encountered some bad/dangerous tops in my time, but I think there are predators and people who use sex, are manipulative or coercive, regardless of actual sexual practices. But my own sexuality (especially re: BDSM, certain fantasies, etc.) is something I have struggled with, felt ashamed of, and been made to feel ashamed of, from a very young age. Fortunately, I found a way to reframe it in my very early 20s, felt affirming and sex-positive for many years, decades ... And now that new memories are coming up, or new realizations of things I've always remembered, bam! Back comes the shame, stigma & fear in my late 40s. I struggle with wondering "Am I just doing this, turned on by this, because of what was done to me? Does this mean I'm sick and twisted? Is it confirmation that there is something wrong with me, with my desires? Am I the monster?" I know these are cognitive distortions but damn the feelings are so strong. However, if I waited until I worked out all my demons before having sex, wow, would I ever have sex again? That's too much to ask of myself! I'm in a loving, respectful, 23-year relationship with a beautiful butch top. I want to get to the place where I can honestly say, believe, and FEEL that if sex is one arena in which I wrestle with my demons, then so be it! I also work shit out in the kitchen, the bathroom, while grocery shopping, at work, with friends, with my family, in group, and in therapy. Sorry if this is starting to sound like a rant. No judgment on anyone's post, I love this site, forum, and thread. It helps me so much to know I'm not alone, and I feel invisible (some depersonalization at times) and lonely

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

I appreciate your post, @I_will_recover. I think it's important not to path...

Oops, accidentally hit send! Lol. Okay, I just wanted to add my two cents. Much love and appreciation to all.

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

And this is supposed to be a place where I can be honest because it's anonymous and I have a hard time (ashamed) with that, s

Thanks, @Megyn, for sharing. It's still very hard for me to share that much, even in an anonymous, international site like this (I don't typically do any type of social media.) I've already revealed more of myself here in a week or so than I do with anyone else except my wife and my current T, and that scares me a little. But I will say that I relate to much of what you've disclosed. Thanks again for your courage and honesty. :-)

 

[I_will_recover]

I appreciate your post, @I_will_recover. I think it's important not to path...

I agree. Some of my longest/bestest friends I met in the community. I did not mean to generalize.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

so... I do crazy things to myself, sexually, reenacting, forcing myself to do things (like I was forced when I was young

Not crazy. These are reenactments, both attempts to process what happened as well as gain control over the past.

Ben

 

[Megyn]

I appreciate your post, @I_will_recover. I think it's important not to path...

I feel exactly like this. I was comfortable with everything until recently. It's all the flashbacks and the "co-mingling" (fb's/masturbation/reenacting) I do on my own time that's messing with my head. The rest of want to say/what I'm thinking is too long to go into and I'm also getting confused. I do, however, agree with you, and I know my therapist would as well, about pathologizing. I question everything I do (almost), need to find a reason, intellectualize everything when some things are better left to sort themselves out and/or the answer will come organically to me instead of mulling it over in my head relentlessly.

I think I just need to let this go as much as I can, let my fb's work themselves out as they have in the past.

Thank you for sharing all that you did- it helped me come to the above realization.

Take care~

 

[Megyn]

Thanks, @Megyn, for sharing. It's still very hard for me to share that much...

Ugh, I responded on something you wrote to @i_wlll_recover
I'm still getting used to this site and am also confusing some people with others.
My response still stands altho I feel like I butt in :)

 

[Megyn]

Don't be upset with your self for having difficulty with sex/relations with anyone. Always remember that i...

I've always berated myself for the way I handle myself in relationships, emotionally tho, not sexually. I can usually "perform" sexually cuz that's what I was taught. (Btw, please take this response with a grain of salt cuz I'm feeling very confused right now.) I got into this current relationship after almost 10 years of healing, and while I wasn't looking for one, it fell into my lap. I fought it at firsr, but he is an exceptional man. He's beyond understanding and patient, takes none of my projecting or shutting down personally. I feel safe with him, adult me feels safe with him. "Little Megyn" has been fighting me since about 6 months into it. I dont blame her as I've not made the best decisions for us in the past and her general fear of ALL men.

Idk, I'm so confused.... I think I need to start a different thread because it's bringing up other issues I have in relationships.

Thank you for your response... wanna hear something crazy? I can't even remember if this is my thread (I haven't looked at the title, am just responding) or if I'm hijacking another's :/

You still have issues with this too? Currently happening or just in general?