Sufferer Insecurity And Never Feeling Good Enough...

[AuzzyH]

I'm 30 years old. I've been diagnosed with PTSD for watching my mother get the crap beaten out if her when I was a child. I've also been diagnosed with A.D.D. along with social anxiety disorder.. Ive always been shy around women, but I started to get over it as a teen. But now I'm almost back to square one. Over and over I've had nothing but bad experiences, either getting caught in the friend zone because of my lack of confidence, or just missing any opportunity I had. Or I do admit that I like that someone and get torn apart. Every time it is proven to be that I'm not good enough and it is turning me bitter... I just don't know. I'm tired of feeling like I'm worthless.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Ive always been shy around women, but I started to get over it as a teen. But now I'm almost back to square one. Over and over I've h

Are you up to giving more information about being in the friend zone please?

 

[AuzzyH]

I don't understand it completely myself.. I become good friends with someone I like. I lack the confidence to tell them. When I do, "I'm too good of a friend" "the thought of us together is gross" Or im told that they just are not in the right place, until someone else comes along.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

:hug:

 

[sedna]

I'm 30 years old. I've been diagnosed with PTSD for watching my mother get the crap beaten out if her wh...

It just so happens that I have a little crowd of young men in my life ranging from age 14 to 26. Mainly because I'm a single mom with bad boundaries so my house is open door and they're all boys.

Recently I've had two of the adults share similar if not close to exactly the same problem. Because I can, and because I was willing to lie about doing it, for one guy I went straight up to the girls who had friend zoned him and asked why.

It confirmed what I figured in the first place. The type of girl involved is not attracted to a guy who can be a sensitive friend, she wants alpha male. They also wont admit that and say that whats wrong with every guy they've been with is that they are not a sensitive friend type guy. This is not intentionally deceitful, when they got hurt by the alpha types they go after, they reason that its because they need a 'sensitive type wanting a deep friendship '. Except thats not what they're looking for.

Are all girls and women that clueless? Eh, most, until they get much older. I'd say its the same odds as the guy who complains about shallow women and bimbo gold diggers but only heads for head to toe advertisements for that when he's out looking. What we want and want we look for are two different things sometimes.

I have no doubt that there are girls that would not view you that way, you're not looking for them for some reason. Also, and maybe this is the most relevant advice I have, I should have just kept it short and said only this....be careful not to friend zone yourself in the beginning. If you sit around listening to them chat about their feelings, gossip and never say no to witnessing a pointless drama, you have made yourself their Bestie, without giving yourself a chance.

 

[AuzzyH]

Thank you, my confidence is gone though. I fear I'm going to be alone my whole life. I don't know how to get rid of how bitter I'm becoming. It is so hard to tell someone how I feel anyway, and to always feel not good enough is starting to really get me.

 

[AuzzyH]

My being bitter has just caused me to loose some good people in my life... I wish I could change but I can't help it..

 

[GrayOwl]

Thank you for identifying your diagnosis.
Welcome to the forum.
It sounds like your concerns are twofold here - relationships and loneliness/feelings of self worth?

The two often go hand in hand.
I can say that the first key to any relationship, in my opinion only, is being able to be a friend. The less you seek in return the better the friend you can be.
It seems a shame that so many women are attracted to the "bad boy" image and if you ride up in vette or Harley with flashy clothes and $$$ - off they go with you - only to show up in therapy later on damaged. So..... I am far from a relationship doctor and that's not really what this site is about. But it is a shame that having some quality characteristics seems to get you used - then they run off with the next bad boy who get's the companionship and intimacy - and then dumps them. I don't know. Maybe Darwin has the solution to that one.

As far as self worth, I can only suggest that you don't allow feelings of loneliness to affect your self worth. I struggle with this. I try to maintain a giving, compassionate attitude in my relationships - family, work, social, strangers..... but it's hard because there are so many people out there and most are pretty selfish self centered "takers" - many outright abusers. And after many years I feel lucky to have maybe four or five that I feel I can count on. If I don't stay "me" then my life deteriorates in other ways - and I want me to follow certain standards today.
I need gentle therapy, twelve step assistance, good meditation, strong convictions and strong beliefs in my self worth to stay sane. Relationships have to be secondary to getting yourself strong. Good companionship is a rare treasure. I would covet that over intimacy - although mother nature has not really blessed males with the ability to do that - until they get much older and most of the parts don't work anymore. lol....

We really have to work hard on the self worth thing - and relationship status is really not a reflection of the quality of person that you are. Relationships beyond friendship are very difficult to cultivate - very infrequent in today's world of false values and fake people - and you should consider yourself blessed if you've had some good friendships - even though they didn't culminate in the companionship you sought.

It's a lot like looking for a career - lots of rejection. Don't take it to heart. I know that is nearly impossible when you're lonely. But stay on the high road.
There are websites and places to find quality people - that still doesn't change the odds much nor the fact that you need to keep sight of the fact that you do have great value as a person. That is the most important thing.

p.s. I just read coco9's post. Good wisdom there. Remember, Rome wasn't built in a day...

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you, my confidence is gone though. I fear I'm going to be alone my whole life. I don't know how to get rid of how bitter I'm becoming. It is so hard to tell someone how I feel anyway, and to always feel not good enough is starting to really get me.

You are not alone in feeling the way you do. I agree with coco.

I had bitterness up the wazoo in feeling bitter. For so many years.

Stick around and I hope that you will find lots of good and encouraging support here.

I got pretty fed up with the not feeling good enough for so many years of my life. I had to become ruthless to silence my inner abusers voices. I wish you the very best in dealing with how you are feeling.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I also agree with GrayOwl.

 

[sedna]

Thank you, my confidence is gone though. I fear I'm going to be alone my whole life. I don't know how to...

@AuzzyH ADD and social anxiety are often a symptom of PTSD and not separate issues. I'm getting way ahead of myself here so forgive me and let me know if I'm crossing a line.

If you had to watch your mom get abused and were powerless to prevent it, in some ways being a passive and sensitive guy may have been what you thought would save your mom if she'd only been rescued by a guy like that.

The bitterness you're developing at how you're being treated or feeling unimportant to people you care about, is capable of becoming generalized anger towards women.

Thats a slippery slope for you in regards to creating needless and painful conflicts for yourself.

I honestly just helped my sons best friend, who'd had this problem for years and had zero self esteem. Trying a female type he normally didnt consider, ( different social type, but still beautiful ) and deflected sensitively, but firmly, any early attempts on her part to be available for any kind of emotional dumping or pointless girl chatter. Bam! She's head over heels, and its been 5 months or so. Its still fine, but I've had to remind him not to say yes to everything and take her out more often.

Another friend zone hazard is too casual or non existent dates all the time. She's actually a little out of his league, in the beginning I was afraid he had the bar too high. I'm almost certain that you've been accidentally friend zoning yourself without realizing it.

 

[Silver.]

Hi, welcome to the forums. I apologize if someone already asked this and I just didn't see it, but do you have a therapist? You will find that most of us here do see a therapist as they can play a key role in our paths to healing.
I am sorry for the reasons that brought you here, but glad you found us