Can Anyone Relate? Do You Do This?

[Megyn]

Not crazy. These are reenactments, both attempts to process what happened as well as gain contro...

Thanks buckaroo...

I can see the processing part of it, but I cant yet see the trying to take control. My therapist tells me tho that I do need to take control, change the ending, etc.

I feel like I'm victimizing myself, raping myself, wtf?! That's messed up. I hate that this is happening. It hurts hurts hurts... down in the depths of my soul. I suppose this is how I felt as a child, or should've felt but dissociated. This is what was incomprehensible to me as a child, beyond the physicality of the abuse, therefore unable to process it, feel it at the time.

Thank you for your insight, I truly appreciate it...

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

Regarding taking control....

When this happened to you as a child, you were physically small and immature and so had no control. Now, as adult, you choose to reenact. It's a negative way of taking your power back.

I really don't know how to explain it.

It's similar to when an adult CSA survivor engages in promiscuous one-night stands with strangers, or plays SM games.

Ben

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

Regarding your therapist's suggestion to 'change the ending'....

I did this once, spontaneously, in an EMDR session. I was thinking about an abuse incident that happened when I was a preschooler. Suddenly, in my mind's eye, I morphed into a strong full-grown man, threw the perpetrator to the floor, and strangled him.

That one brief session released me from massive torment.

Ben

 

[Megyn]

Regarding taking control....

When this happened to you as a child, you were physically small an...

I choose to, and I dont.
When it happens, it's not me, it's "Little Megyn"
And Little Megyn is confused- it hurts and feels good at the same time
Hence a CSA survivors' sexual dysfunction- over sexed, under sexed, frigid, impotent, transference, etc

I do get what you are saying tho.
"Ive" been able to stop Little M once, about 2-3 weeks ago
So, I guess I'm on the right path~

 

[Megyn]

Regarding your therapist's suggestion to 'change the ending'....

I did this once, spontaneously...

NICE!! Good job

In my trauma diary I relate a time in therapy where we did "guided imagery", which as an aside I can never follow. I didn't hear my T's voice after her 2nd or 3rd sentence. I was sitting on the couch, little m on my lap. My dad barged into the room. Little m got up and kicked him and he broke into a million little pieces and floated away. I didn't tell her to kick him, she did without any suggestion.

I sent my T what I wrote in my trauma diary re that incident. She said, "do you realize last week when we were doing guided imagery, I asked that you picture your dad coming in to your bedroom. I asked that you tell him, this is my room and you are not welcome and shut the door and lock it. And you kept saying, no, that would never have happened irl, I couldn't talk to my dad like that therefore I can't imagine it.. this time I didn't even ask for your dad to appear but he did and you were in control.."

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

"Ive" been able to stop Little M once, about 2-3 weeks ago....So, I guess I'm on the right path

You are definitely on the right path.

Comforting and supporting her is just as important as stopping her.

And, don't forget, Little M is you. :)

. My dad barged into the room. Little m got up and kicked him and he broke into a million little pieces and floated away. I didn't tell her to kick him, she did without any suggestion.

YES! Good for her. :)

 

[Freedomfighter]

Does anyone try to trigger themselves? I haven't had the courage yet to tell my therapist I do this- I kn...

Trigger myself but not on purpose, facing everyday situations that in itself will trigger me or inadvertently I trigger myself with certain movements that I make or with certain sounds I make. Very strange, only something a PTSD victim would understand. When doing certain tasks I often get triggered with specific noises that I at the time can not identify.

 

[katz]

I've always berated myself for the way I handle myself in relationships, emotionally tho, not sexually. I...

Oh yes. I still do. I've never had good sex. This is my second marriage. The first one was destroyed by my "demons". Now, I have a new husband. He is still adjusting to my condition. Sometimes I really wish I new what good sex was. I have never "made love" so to speak.

I can't find a reason to hurt so much during. We've tried everything. I'm running out of ideas.

Actually, it was today that I went in to see a new doctor. She did the usual "checks" on me. I asked her if she thought that there might be some scar tissue in there. She said that it would be hard to tell.

 

[Megyn]

Trigger myself but not on purpose, facing everyday situations that in itself will trigger me or...

Oh yes, I know what you mean...
One time I was folding a pair of leggings on top of the dryer and the way I had the "legs" momentarily askew, triggered a flashback.
Another time driving my son to school, he said something cute/funny, I turned to him to smile and simultaneously put my hand on his leg- bam, flashback in my dad's car.
Another time, but certainly not the last but they're just so random, I was walking out to the garage, again to drive my son to school last spring. My backside felt as if I was utterly bare/naked and I LITERALLY felt a blast of cold, no FREEZING cold, air on just that part of my (clothed) body.
So yeah, they surprise you, jump you, attack you, hit you, knock you down sometimes, out of absolutely nowhere.

 

[Megyn]

Oh yes. I still do. I've never had good sex. This is my second marriage. The first one was destroyed by my...

I've been married twice. The first time I married "my father"- same hair and eye coloring, same birthday (!), alcohlic, verbally, physically abusive.

The second time I married a guy who I perceived as "normal". In hindsight, I thought if I married him I would become "normal". But on to the sex part- towards the end of our marriage, maybe the last two years? I started to have pain in my vagina, the walls and up near the cervix. Then I started bleeding randomly during sex, which totally put me (and him I imagine, but I don't remember for sure) off sex for obvious reasons. Long story short, I ended up leaving him and having a hysterectomy shortly thereafter at 36 yrs old.

I've read that female survivors of CSA tend to have more, and more unexplained, gynecological problems. In my life, I've had 2 or 3 stds (so long ago I don't even remember what they were, but I do remember one when I was 17 or 18 that literally doubled me over in pain and I had to go to emergency. I must have blocked it out because I have never, ever remembered what it was. I remember how I felt, physically, leading up to it. I remember my abdomen being totally swollen. I remember driving back from somewhere in my Mercury Capri, I remember stopping by a friend's house on the way home. I remember who the friend was, where he lived, I even remember what I was wearing. I remember going home, going to bed altho it was dusk, and laying on my side curled up in a ball. I remember my mom asking what was wrong. I don't recall my response or any of the conversation actually, but I do remember her driving me to an emergency clinic. I remember it was a Sunday. But I don't remember the clinic, the diagnosis, any meds I might have had to take, how long I was there, going home, etc. Anyways, I've had lots of issues including cervical dysplaysia (for which i had 4 surgeries, the final one removing the affected parts of my cervix) ovarian cysts, uterine tumors, etc. And none of these things "run in my family".

Sorry for the long winded response... it's crazy the stuff you remember when you start talking about it...

Did your new doctor do any tests? Do your paps come back negative? I remember the speculum always hurt so bad and an old OB of mine would say, oh, c'mon, it doesn't hurt that much! :/

 

[katz]

Trigger myself but not on purpose, facing everyday situations that in itself will trigger me or...

I have found it very interesting how such small things can trigger me. I was out walking just the other day and I realized that the "sound" and the "feeling" of my footsteps on the woodchips was triggering some thing. I listened and walked some more - but never figured it out.

I'm sure that I will go back and do it again. Just to check and see if that was it. Or, what did it trigger. But, some times when I go back, the trigger feeling is not there any more.

 

[katz]

I've been married twice. The first time I married "my father"- same hair and eye coloring, same birthday...

When I contacted my regular doctor (G) She sent me to a specialist to check me out. I got to the office and she asked me if it was okay for a student to be present. (They do that at this office.) I asked her if it was a girl or a man--she said a man!! I - of course - said "no".
She did a check of my insides-painful- and took a pap. It has been a few years. I doubt that anything is wrong in there. I have been fine, except for this problem.

I also had my tubes tied, back in my late 20's. I just decided that I didn't want to bring anyone else into my terrible world.

Ironically, my first husband was sterile. LOL It hurt back then too. I remember actually telling my mom. I look back now and would love to ask her "why didn't you do anything or even try to help me?" You just sat there and listened to me over and over. She told me many years later that she thought that he was raping me. Again-"why didn't you do anything?"

Many years later, I was with a man who was like a dad to me. No sex. Just cared for me. He passed away back in 2001. I still miss him. We had 7 years together.

Now...I have a husband who expects to get "it" regularly. (sigh) I'll get the test results from the doctor in a few days.

Just a quick question for you. Should I just tell him that there is damage down there? Then maybe he won't be putting so much pressure on me. In other words- I have an excuse. Like having a "trump" card (if you play cards, then you will know what that is.)

Sorry about the long answer.