Undiagnosed New Here ... Need Support On How To Get Help

[HaveFaith]

Hello,

I don't really know how to start, but I guess all I can do is just let it out... in hopes someone can offer me some support/ advice. I would really appreciate it..

I'm 30 yrs old now .. been through a series of traumatic events from childhood till mid 20's ... how do you get over being sexually stimulated by your own cousin, as your first pleasurable experience? Realizing it was wrong as I got older and him being more bold with his advances .. all of this happening with family around. No one saw, I didn't say a word ...

I stopped seeing my grandpa so I could avoid what was happening (the only man who ever loved me) .. and at the same time I took the brunt of my father's frustration after work ... always my fault ... I was a very sweet child, smart, good .. but the verbal abuse negatively affected me... My mother was emotionally unavailable and always angry ...

Developmentally I was never nurtured properly, I felt abandoned ... I grew up looking for acceptance outside of myself and found myself involved with the wrong people. I ended up with someone who I allowed to break my spirit ... I was fooled into believing that the pregnancy would be a good thing for us, his family was excited .. and at the same time he was cheating on my with another coworker, EVERYONE but me knew ...

He attacked me one day with no warning sign and I ended up fighting for my life ..had the cop who was suppose to be my "protector" end up attracted to me while he made me agree to keep in touch with him... Ended up having a miscarriage at home, never have I ever felt such excruciating pain, physically .. emotionally .. mentally ... i cracked and took my own life .. and death spit me back out ... I was fortunate I didn't suffer the damages I see from those who took a medley of pills ... necrosis .. amputations ... but my body and brain .. my soul has been wrecked .. with that "rock bottom" I don't know how but for the first time I saw the deep pain when I looked into the eyes of this person I didn't even recognize, i felt compassion for myself ... and "I said I didn't deserve this."

I ended up reaching out to my sister and parents ... It was the toughest thing to say and swallow. The pain I was causing them all ... my mother's inability to to tell me she loves me .. I was begging her to love me ..

I went to find a therapist ... 3 different ones ... 3 different experiences, none were the right fit. I didn't know what exactly to look for .. until I went to a PTSD support group (in person) and found people who dealt with similar issues .. but it was scary for me to see ppl in their 50's -80's still suffering ... but it made me accept that this may well be a lifelong journey to heal and I have to be ok with it ..

I made a vow to myself 6 yrs ago, that I will never ever hurt myself again ... and I've been through ups and downs ... failed relationships and friendships .. because I couldn't control my reactions ... until I learned more about PTS .. about the mind body connection .. about abandonment ... buddhist perspective on ego identity .. self love .. nutrition and the body ..

I have done so much on my own to lower my reactivity, to help my nervous system ... but I found this past 2 weeks I have been unraveling when I tried to get to know someone new .. after suppressing the idea of ever being in a healthy loving relationship because it would deeply sadden me .. I thought I had things under control for almost 2 yrs now .. stabilizing .. but found myself unsure if I can make it in this world. Co-dependent .. unsure of what I am able to do to financially support myself.

Staying with my father has been hard, but at the same time .. im fortunate ... but that means still subject myself to verbal abuse. And deep down, I know there is love ... but there is no means to communication, tried it before but we just butt heads. I'm stuck ...

I began having suicidal thoughts in my head ..... I'm unsure I can find work when every job Ive worked at caused me so much stress I had to quit eventually ... school same thing, overwhelming stress .. dropped out .. I've learned many different destressing techniques: deep breathing, yoga, stretching, running, spending time in nature .. attempting to meditate .. diet and supplementation .. sun .. sleep .. logically I understand my reactions but I feel that these episodes of impending doom have been crippling me for so long ... Im even considering medicating myself... but afraid I could abuse them..

My question is .. what motivates you to keep going? Even tho I made a vow to myself ... I don't know what I am living for ... I love animals, always wanted to work somehow with them, I wanted to share my experiences with others once I overcome all this, share my love for green juicing ... there is some joy there but there's a deep loneliness inside me .. a need for connection, and I know I have to build it within myself and I have been trying .. but I need someone's support because I have NONE ..

My sister has become emotionally unavailable .. now I'm in debt for school ... I'm scared to look for work because I failed at my previous ones ... and my health has declined ... I am long overdue for another exam with my gynecologist .. I fear I'm beginning to see the signs of cervical cancer.. already been diagnosed with HPV strain that causes cancer... my friend's mother died from complications .. and the sick part is that .. a part of me is in deep denial .. wanting the end result .... and I know this is not normal, or what I truly want .. but I am stuck .. need support .. Thanks for reading this ..

 

[Purpose_]

I can't offer much of anything, I'm fairly new to the site and i'm basically in search of the same thing you are. But I definitely know the feeling of being stuck dealing with mental health issues with no support in sight. The people here are usually quick with helpful responses. I REALLY hope you find peace of mind!

 

[Megyn]

Hello,

I don't really know how to start, but I guess all I can do is just let it out... in hopes som...

Writing all this out, so articulately, is a start. We're all glad to see you here!

There's alot of info above, but a few things stood out to me/I identify with, so I'll just number them in response, in no particular order:

1. Seeing older people at ptsd group- my thought on that is we all heal in different ways, different time frames, we start at different times in our lives. I could be wrong, but seeing an 80 yr old makes me think of my mom. She probably doesn't even know what PTSD is, and she's so religious she might not even accept it. I'm 50, but all my life I was "running", had bad relationships, did drugs in my 20s, drank into my 30s. I didn't even know I had ptsd until 10yrs ago. It sure explained alot of my reactions in the past to feeling 'trapped', or being in a room full of drunk ppl, or hearing the snap of a beer can opening.

2. With that said, I'd been misdiagnosed a number of times. It wasn't until the internet became a daily fixture for news and communication that I was able to read about symptoms, etc. In my experience, my own and seeing others suffer because we/they had not much access to information about meds, therapists, etc, it's awesome to have all the info at hand and become our own advocates, if possible. You sound highly intelligent, diagnosing yourself, finding grounding techniques, healthful alternatives to meds, diet, exercise. Those are all things my therapist has suggested, so KUDOS to you!!

3. Sometimes all of the above need to work in conjunction with meds. You probably know that fear, etc changes the way our brain develops, so you might need meds to just ease the symptoms until you're able to change your deep, ingrained thought patterns. Anti depressants aren't addictive. They don't give you a high or anything. They just connect receptors that are frazzled, for complete lack of a better phrase. Of course one needs to stop taking them slowly so as not to abruptly disconnect those "receptors", but you can't get addicted. Anti anxiety meds, yes, they're highly addictive and easy to abuse. There are anti deps specially for both depression AND anxiety. My 26 yo has been taking Prozac for about 6 yrs for a crippling anxiety that affected his attendance in his early college days. He's recently gotten his masters, teaches, works on editing magazines, etc. They really can do wonders. Taking meds is up to you and your dr tho, of course.

Cont....

 

[Megyn]

Hello,

I don't really know how to start, but I guess all I can do is just let it out... in hopes som...

Cont from above...

4. I've been in many of the same situations that you describe. I had a dr I trusted (a GP), what feels like now, start the grooming process (touch me inappropriately, HIGHLY inappropriately, isolate me in his office, make me sit with him during his lunch, etc), so I understand how you felt with the cop :/

I had a bf that I lived with when I was 19. He cheated on me for 2 years, the ENTIRE time, and I had no clue. He had the gall to bring them around to our apt- "Co workers", "friends"- he was a drug dealer. Finally one of those girls was like, you're too nice to be with him, this is what he's been doing... I appreciated it, really, but I was utterly humiliated.

I took my dad's verbal abuse up into my 30s. I started remembering bits and pieces, taking short term disabilities due to mental health crisis. He saw what was coming and he "disowned" me. Honestly? The greatest gift he ever gave me, and believe me, there were many, including a porsche! But only then was I able to even begin the healing process.

Depending on the length and severity of trauma, it can take a very long time to heal. I tell myself tho, when I feel discouraged, I was abused for 30+ yrs- it's gonna take some time. Believe me, some days I feel like I can't take any more of this shit, but there's a survival instinct in me. I also think, if I LIVED thru what happened to me as a child with ZERO coping skills, no one to talk to, etc, I can surely deal with this as an adult :)

I guess I'll just end this with: continue doing what you're doing, keep fighting the good fight, try not to be discouraged by "bad" therapists (it took me years, on and off, to find the one I've currently been seeing for 7 yrs), continue being your own advocate, continue reaching out, try not to be averse to new ways (ie meds) to help you thru this- that old adage- if you were diabetic would you refuse insulin?

Ps so many things I identify with, I forgot two, but will continue separately in case you are reading this...

 

[Megyn]

Hello,

I don't really know how to start, but I guess all I can do is just let it out... in hopes som...

Ok, the "two more things"

Like I said, I'm 50. When I was 23 I was pregnant and hadn't been to a gyne-o in ages. I went and my pap showed I had "severe dysplaysia". Pre cancerous cells. I was positive I was going to get cancer and die and leave my infant motherless. My friends mother died of cervical cancer, undetected. But that had been a long time before, before women went to drs regularly, had regular testing etc. Odds are you won't get cancer. They see it, they will eradicate it. I think mine was pretty much a worse case scenario cuz I had 2 cryo-surgeries, a laser surgery and finally a "cold knife" surgery. Paps every 6 months in between. Needless to say, they got it, it's gone and I haven't had a problem since. The reason I mentioned my age again, is I wonder if HPV is connected to this- there was no HPV back then, but from what I've read and heard, it sure sounds like they are related in some way.

Lastly, yes, I'm you were a good girl, excellently behaved, attuned to your parents moods, changing your to complement theirs, over compensating, trying to "make them happy". Regardless of how good we are and try to be, regardless of how quiet we are and try not to be noticed and try not to make them angrier, they will always always find something wrong, something to be angry about. They projected their shit onto us. They felt like shit so treated us like shit. No child, no matter well behaved or ill behaved, deserves to be yelled at, neglected, unnurtured, to be the brunt, the punching bag, as it were, for our parents. Children, ALL children, deserve love, and hugs and praise and to feel SAFE. Damn the parents who bring a child into this world and don't provide these basic parental... things. I can't think of a word because it makes me angry the way we were treated. I think of how diff my boys would be if I treated them how I was treated... yes, your parents were wrong, 1000% wrong, to treat you the way they did.

Good luck friend.. keep writing if you can, it helps. Keep posting, use the trauma diary section. There are really amazing men and women on this forum with so much empathy, knowledge, wisdom, advice...

I hope my response helps a bit..

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

Just want to say welcome------

Sometimes the only motivation I've got is the fact that I'm too chicken to kill myself.

"Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'"

 

[HaveFaith]

:hug:

Just want to say welcome------

Sometimes the only motivation I've got is the fact that I'...

I use to think that way lol, hmmm .. too afraid to live .. too afraid to die ... now that you reminded me of this, sounds pretty silly! What we focus on, grows. Am feeling much better after posting this, and some responses. Thanks for the welcome. :)

 

[HaveFaith]

Ok, the "two more things"

Like I said, I'm 50. When I was 23 I was pregnant and hadn't been to a gyne-o...

Megyn, I'm shocked that you took the time to respond to me ... just sharing your take on things ... which I really needed at the moment. I don't know how to thank you .. you really helped me look at things from a different perspective and just comforting to know that I'm not alone ...

My problem at this point is finding the right therapist. I now know they should be experienced in trauma, but I also find it hard to trust a total stranger and speak of my issues .. Was there something specific that allowed you to let your guard down when you finally decided on who you can trust. The 3 I went to were all men, not attentive, or lacked empathy, from the energy they were giving off .. am now looking for a female therapist .. but not sure how I can gauge who is right for me... I find that there are limited choices as I can't afford some potential options... it's discouraging ..

I also think, if I LIVED thru what happened to me as a child with ZERO coping skills, no one to talk to, etc, I can surely deal with this as an adult

That blew my mind lol ... seriously lifted my spirit after reading that! Most times when I am spiraling, I cannot see the progress I have made so far on my own, this is such a true reminder. Thank you.

Everything you have written brought me comfort ... and perspective which helped me regain my calm. It's hard to see things differently when I have noone to offer other insight. I will definitely share more here. I appreciate your warm welcome. :)

 

[HaveFaith]

I can't offer much of anything, I'm fairly new to the site and i'm basically in search of the same thi...

Thank you for just responding, that made me feel less alone in this, so I do appreciate it. Hopefully this place will provide us some comfort and tools we can use to help better ourselves. :)

 

[Megyn]

Megyn, I'm shocked that you took the time to respond to me ... just sharing your take on things ... w...

I'm so glad it helped truly. I choked up reading your response. I had just gotten up and the day hadn't set in yet, kids needing stuff, phone calls etc so I wasn't rushed. When I finished I thought- one trait we all (ptsd sufferers) have in common on this board and really it's one of our best qualities is empathy.

One of the reasons I joined this site is because I constantly need validation. Just reading others stories gives me that. Like you, I don't get much validation from anyone. I used to seek out books, articles, etc. But this is personal enough that you get to interact, but impersonal enough cuz we're anonymous. You know how we all have problems with trust, speaking face to face etc.

The last time I had to change therapists, it was forced because my insurance changed. It was a godsend tho because I didn't even realize how awful the guy I was seeing was until I found my current T. I find I prefer female therapists because of the obvious, the abuse, and also I tend to try to seduce or I "fall in love" with men in authority that I'm close to, ie a boss for instance. Idk what it was about my T that made me respond to her. She's gentle, she's not loud, she empathizes but is professional about it. She uses a mindful approach, like you. But one thing I do know is I was READY. In the past, I really hadn't been. I wanted quick fixes. I thought just showing up to a therapy session was good and that one day I'd walk out magically healed. I did not realize the work it entails.

Initially, I made progress within the first year. Circumstances would have it that I shut down for 2 years, my mom moved in with me. After she left the fb's, triggers started in hard core. I had a really really hard time, still do, trusting her with the "really bad stuff". I have a difficult time talking face to face about it with her without dissociating. She started letting me email and/or text her things I couldn't say out loud. THAT has helped me ALOT.

Lastly, if you can, try talking to them on the phone for 10 min before you see them. I could tell off the bat that I liked her and that she felt safe.

Good luck!!

Ps I normally can't see my progress either. Once in a while I'm able to and I do think about what I said. Im in my element tho when someone else is in need. Im a caretaker irl, so this forum helps me in both ways

 

[HaveFaith]

I'm so glad it helped truly. I choked up reading your response. I had just gotten up and the day hadn't s...

You mentioned that you were READY ... struck me hard.. When I had initially sought therapy, it was immediately after I hit "rock bottom"... but I was so discouraged at the ones I selected.. I gave up shortly afterwards. I do feel ready at this point and I feel that even tho I can't afford a quality therapist... I think at the moment, even one that can help me understand some issues would help a little .. I hope. I know that I just have to keep moving forward even if I get discouraged ... For some reason, the thought of opening myself up to a total stranger again, after I had opened up to a complete stranger (some guy I met a few weeks ago and him initially having compassion to fast forward 2 weeks later, eventually telling me "You're still not over it yet?" makes me feel stupid). He said it's just life, growing pains ... and at that moment I even agreed and laughed! I thought to myself he's right because people out there have it worse .. and I should just take the experiences as life experiences, no need to create such drama out of trauma. It was as if my mind was battling itself, to be the old conditioned self and the logical self. I know that people won't understand unless they lived through it, but I also took the perspective of, I can overcome this, why place soo much energy on the past.. I need to vent on trauma diaries, I didn't mean to put this all on you. My point is opening up to another stranger is daunting, but I will do it. I appreciate your words, and to know that there may be setbacks, but I have to accept it as part of healing .. and not be so hard on myself ugh, thanks Megyn.

 

[Megyn]

You mentioned that you were READY ... struck me hard.. When I had initially sought therapy, it was im...

I know how you feel. How many times I've told "my story"... its nauseating repeating it time after time. Eventually one gets almost detached from it because it's been repeated so many times. It just occurred to me tho that perhaps the memories stay repressed or get more repressed until we find the right therapist. It's like we repeat the overview, an outline of it.

I've found, with therapists, that quality does not equate to dollars. Cont....