Am I Wrong For Going Around His Therapist?

[Silver.]

Thank you for clearing up that you had made the appointment with his "go ahead", as you can see, it had a lot of us worried.
He always has the option to switch therapists if he doesn't feel like he can tell her everything.
But then again, sometimes you just don't want to reveal everything. As Simon has said, she's been with hers for two years and hasn't revealed all her trauma.
As other people have said, if you are even suspecting CPTSD, then EDMR might not be a right route to go, multiple traumas are not best dealt with with that kind of therapy. Also as Simon has said, you cannot just start EDMR with a new therapist, for the multitude of reasons people have listed.

 

[shimmerz]

How do you know if someone is trained properly or not?

You don't. Your therapist does. And I think it is more about whether the patient is ready for EMDR. And really take seriously what people are saying about EMDR and complex forms of trauma. It can lead to an unhinging. You don't want that.

I also get that there are 22-vets a day who commit suicide.

Is your vet suicidal? If so, he really needs to tell his therapist. Right.away. The therapist can't be held responsible for things she doesn't know about what is happening right here right now. I get withholding information about the traumas, but not about how the therapy is affecting him. If it is a good therapist, they will tone down what they are doing immediately.

they are not available or legal right now--MDMA treatment.

I get the idea of needing to do something right now. I was in the same position years ago. MDMA therapy, as I understand it now, is very close to being available on compassionate grounds. Have you kept up with where the legislation is with this at this time, in your state? Have you looked at their site to see the range of documentation that can be used for a potential patient of this type of therapy? Have you checked to see if there is a therapist who champions for MDMA therapy in your area?

Maybe ask on here as well, if it is a possibility that someone knows of a therapist in your area that is not tied to the VA that may be more available to your husband. Lots of different options.....

 

[Abstract]

Hi, what you are saying now seems very different and personally I am relieved to hear you didn't do this without his permission. Pressure and actions that are disempowering can be very harmful for those with PTSD. If this is a case of him wanting change and discussing it with you and the two of you looking for solutions then thats very different. If that's the case then why do you think you were feeling like you are interfering? Just trying to get my head around the dynamics here.

Has he told you why he feels he can't discuss things with his t? Is it because of the sporadic treatment and lack of consistency (that would be really hard for me); s it to do with his perception of her skills; her personality etc; or is it because he is struggling and not ready to discuss his trauma.
Am I understanding correctly that his main trauma isn't combat related and he is concerned about speaking about it in this environment?

The crux of complex trauma, if this is what he has, is that it effects certain aspects of personality and stops the development of certain coping skills etc. As well as multiple traumas knocking off of each other in potentially complex and unexpected ways. Complex trauma complicates things and complicates therapy. Some with complex trauma seem to find EMDR helpful but it has to be done really really carefully with a load of preparation and with an extremely experienced trauma therapist.

If he doesn't have the necessary coping skills then that is usually the first priority. Something like DBT. Would he join the site? The best is if he can start educating himself and then he can start figuring out what is best for him. It sounds like outside treatment is definitely going to be necessary at some point.

I think at the least he should be looking at multiple potential therapists and then pare it down until he finds the right one.

 

[PetuniaPusher]

I think it's safe to say after reading all of your comments that everyone is different when it comes to their trauma and therapy. What may work for one person, may not work for another. Same goes for trauma. Same goes for therapists.

My boyfriend is self-medicating. It's a huge concern to me. When things get too much, he reaches for mushroom or acid. I highly doubt he is sharing this with his therapist.

He heard about MDMA treatment and was desperate to try it but, clearly, that is not legal yet. MDMA sessions can be quick acting like EMDR sessions. I've heard many people say that what they got out of one of these two treatments is more than what they got out of 3 - 5 years of therapy. My boyfriend has been in therapy for a few years, this is just a new therapist.

I'm here to keep him on tract (I keep track of all his appointments because he is notorious for missing them) and to give him the information that is needed to make decisions. I'm also here to support and to love him, in whatever he chooses.

 

[PetuniaPusher]

. Have you kept up with where the legislation is with this at this time, in your state?

Hell, we can't even get marijuana legalized here. :/

 

[PetuniaPusher]

I get withholding information about the traumas, but not about how the therapy is affecting him. If it is a good therapist, they will tone down what they are doing immediately.

It's not the therapy that is effecting him, it's what's happening in-between the therapy that is badly effecting him. Like I said, he has a very important legal decision to make regarding his child, he needs to talk it over with his therapist. There is no urgency, because he is passive aggressive and won't ask for help. When I asked if she could get him in sooner, he replied, "She's really busy and has a lot of clients."

 

[anonymous]

If he is self medicating and does EMDR and doesn't have enough coping skills in place you can probably expect a total and potentially disastrous train wreck after.

 

[anonymous]

Oops. that was me. Clicked anonymous by accident.

 

[Abstract]

Grrr. Me.

Are you sure it isn't him delaying his appointments? I think you should see if he is open to having a session with you present.

 

[shimmerz]

Hell, we can't even get marijuana legalized here. :/

Oh boy. :-(

 

[Kintsugi]

I was told that when it comes to the VA or Vet Center, they are there to treat combat trauma only. And that anything outside of the scope of being in the Military, they will not treat. This comes from a woman who has dealt with the VA for years and is her husband's caregiver.

This may be locally true for you, but it is complete hogwash to me, as my T is full time at the VA and told me she was highly experienced in treating complex trauma explicitly because she treats it in her veteran clients.

This was an idea that was discussed between the both of us because he felt that there are some things that he didn't feel comfortable in discussing with his VA/Vet Center therapist.

Sounds kosher, but then why did you schedule it for him?

He has been in this type of therapy before and said he was open to trying something new.

To which type are you referring here? EMDR? CBT? PE?

Had he kept his appointments with this therapist, or if she hadn't pushed him off at 10-day intervals each time he had to reschedule, he would have been able to discuss this with her.

He would have been able to discuss it with her eventually, I'd say, but that is neither here nor there, and neither is this:

So, I'm confused...are you saying I shouldn't circumvent his VA/Vet Center therapist or it's perfectly acceptable?

The issue isn't whether you're "going around" the VA or his other therapist. It is perfectly acceptable for a sufferer to seek outside treatment. I don't see why not. The VA is supposed to be a service, a benefit, not a prison, amiright?

The issues we're all addressing here are these:
A) You believe your boyfriend suffers from complex trauma

B) You (and, evidently, your boyfriend with you) believe EMDR would be beneficial.

C) You scheduled an appointment with an EMDR therapist on your boyfriend's behalf

Survey says...
A) Maybe he does.

B) EMDR and complex trauma are not typically well-suited. EMDR can be extremely dangerous and damaging to people with multiple traumas, especially childhood traumas. It can be downright detrimental.

C) You scheduled an appointment on behalf of your boyfriend, which means that the T you scheduled with found this perfectly acceptable, which is a red flag for how qualified the T is and, many have pointed out, a pretty damn slippery slope for your to be engaging at such a close level with your boyfriend's responsibilities to his mental health.

For example, my T will not talk to anyone about a potential or current client. If I died on my way to my appointment, and my family called her to see if I ever showed up, she would not confirm or deny whether or not I had ever seen her as a patient or comment on the likelihood that I was on my way to see her that day. She certainly would not accept someone calling "on behalf" of a potential or current client, for scheduling or otherwise. And that is what puts this T you called under serious scrutiny, in my eyes.

If your boyfriend is gung-ho about some EMDR, he is perfectly free to consult with therapists, although I would seriously hope that he would be honest about whether or not he has complex trauma, because that is a serious consideration for anyone looking into EMDR. I have complex trauma, and I would not touch EMDR with a 50-foot pole. But no matter what sort of outside help he decides to seek, the impetus is on him to pursue that treatment. No one else can do that shit for you as an adult. Believe me, I have wished in the past that someone could, but a therapist, psychiatrist, etc. who would accept someone else--not a doctor or fellow practitioner--scheduling an appointment on his behalf is straight up shady.

 

[shimmerz]

Is your vet suicidal?

You also didn't answer this. And I suspect that because of this quote here:

I also get that there are 22-vets a day who commit suicide.

that my question about his being prone to suicide is an important one. If he is not prone to it, then it kinda sounds like you are being a tad on the reactive side.

I get it, he has legal stuff going on, but I don't think any of us can say any more clearly that EMDR can be very dangerous. So if you are looking to get him more stable, this really isn't the way to go. It is like playing Russian Roulette with the psyche.