Sexual Assault Was I Raped? Please Help

[joeylittle]

@rosieek - you don't have to have sex if you don't want to, ever. I really want you to remember that. It doesn't matter if he shares his pot or not. Your body belongs to you, and it's up to you what you do with it. That includes everything. If you don't want hands on you, you can say no and stop and then, you can leave. If you are making out and you change your mind, you can say no, and stop, and leave. Even if you are totally naked - there's absolutely no time when you cannot say no, and stop, and leave.

The honest truth is, some guys (people) will argue with that, and they can argue hard. That's why two things are important.

One, you have to remember no, stop, leave. Those all go in a row. You don't need to say no and give them a chance to do it. You say no, stop - and start moving. If the person is going to respect your 'no', they will be stopping when you say stop. You can decide then if you want to leave. But trust your gut - it's better to have a conversation about it the next day than to end up trapped where you don't want to be.

Two, you want to think a little more about how soon you go with strangers to their place - especially if you are going to do drugs. I'm not trying to shame you at all - there's just a reality there that's important. If you know you're going to smoke (I've got no judgement on that) - you know that you're not going to be 100% tuned in to the situation. If it's a person you just met, honestly - it's not worth it. You are walking into too many unknowns. You don't know them, you don't know who else might be where they live, you don't know what they are actually going to give you.

You deserve to be treated right, in this life. You don't deserve to be pressured into having sex. You have the right to say what happens to your body. And sometimes, that means not putting your body at risk. You don't owe anybody sex, ever. Not a long-time partner, not an ex, not a stranger, not even your spouse.

I don't think it matters, whether or not you were raped. I think it's very important that you try and get yourself some therapy to work through not only what happened, but the things that might be going on in your head telling you that you don't have to right to no, stop, leave. You weren't ok with it, and you lived through someone doing something that you did not want them to be doing. That has an impact, it really does. So please, reach out and get some support for that.

 

[anthony]

We were just chilling and he was all over me and I didn't want him to be, but I didn't say anything. I felt like I had to. We were about to have sex and I told him to put on a condom. He didn't listen to me. I didn't say anything. I had sex with him three other times after that, the third time I told him I didn't want to have sex with his cousin in the room.

Not rape. Consensual sex.

I didn't say anything but I kept on saying no before. He then pulled out and asked me if I wanted to have sex again. I said no but he didn't listen and just put it back in.

That is rape. When any party says no, at that point, anything further becomes rape, technically.

 

[Gs172003]

Not rape. Consensual sex.

That is rape. When any party says no, at that point, anything further becomes ra...

I don't know why but a man telling her an answer this really. Really. Pissed me off. Really. Really.

Sorry Anthony. But it did.

There are many ways of saying no that don't include the word no. BUT the lines are blurred here That said, you can't call it rape in this instance until you get to the point you told him no. And...you better find out what the hell cousin was doing in the closet with that phone or whatever before you end up online.

 

[anthony]

There are many ways of saying no that don't include the word no.

You're right, there are... but I intentionally choose not to dick people around with words, and give them the honest, to the point, truth, based on what they write and what I interpret based on that writing. Add more, my view changes, better or worse.

When a woman writes something about being confused whether something is rape or not... I think they need honesty, not words. But that is me. Each to their own.

 

[Sideways]

One of the issues that so many victims of sexual abuse have is that if their experience doesn't "qualify" as rape, they often feel like they shouldn't be traumatised or they shouldn't need support. If this experience has caused you problems, you should definitely be seeking support, no matter what label applies.

I say that because "rape" is typically understood as 'sex without consent'. Some of the instances you have described seem to clearly fit that box. But others? Not so much.

Problem is that 'sex without consent' is not the same thing as 'sex that I didn't want'. There are lots of things that we don't want to do that we give legitimate consent to: my 90 year old nanna gives me a big sloppy kiss every time I see her. I don't like it, don't want it, but I still give (valid) consent. Go for it nanna (urgh)!

When we don't want sex, but we agree anyway, the question turns on the quality of our consent. For example, did we give it freely, or was it coerced? In those situations, the question of whether it was "rape" is really hard for anyone other than you personally to assess. We don't know what your mind was doing at the time. And when it gets to that point, IMO, the label really only has relevance in terms of his criminal liabilty. It doesn't measure the impact on you, and it certainly isn't a requisite for a sexual experience being traumatic or a person needing support. If we had to prove "rape" to qualify for support, there would be a lot of T's out of work.

From a position of someone with very limited detail, some of your experience sounds clearly like rape. Other parts it's a lot less clear. But the important thing is if you have found this experience distressing or traumatic, you should definitely seek support, regardless of the label that applies.

 

[Gs172003]

You're right, there are... but I intentionally choose not to dick people around with words, and give them t...

She's a kid not a woman first of all. That said we all agreed the beginning part was not rape though from what im gathering it was still not OK.

 

[Gs172003]

Anthony my problem with your statement isn't with you or even your statement it is the fact that you are a man. In my mind a man will justify anything to get around a female to get what they want and you answering just made me angry. I'm sorry at this point I can't help it.

 

[Gs172003]

One of the issues that so many victims of sexual abuse have is that if their experience doesn't...

Does the kiss from your 90 year old Nana make you feel dirty, disgusting and ashamed or just annoyed? I'm pretty sure there is a difference. I'm not trying to argue I'm trying to clarify.

 

[joeylittle]

In my mind a man will justify anything to get around a female to get what they want and you answering just made me angry. I'm sorry at this point I can't help it.

But you know that's your thought, not an objectively true thought, right? (I think you did a great job of narrowing in on what triggered you and commend you for posting about it, too.)

 

[Gs172003]

But you know that's your thought, not an objectively true thought, right? (I think you did a great...

Logically, yes. Emotionally? No. I can't honestly say I trust any man when it comes to that. Thank you for the response.

 

[Sideways]

Does the kiss from your 90 year old Nana make you feel dirty, disgusting and ashamed or just annoyed?

These are the sorts of things that would help ascertain whether I might have been consenting in my mind.

If I told you that my nanna ran a child prostitution ring, suddenly it changes where my head might be at a lot. And yeah, that would probably make me feel disgusting.

It does apply the same way to sex. It tends to be shades of grey rather than clear cut. Take the couple who are celebrating his 50th birthday, after a long day at work - been together 30 years. Maybe she's not really in the mood, but it's his birthday. Not really up for it, but she consents and participates freely and willingly. And it's not a problem because he's loving and gentle and grateful and does the same thing for her when she's in the mood and he's not.

But if I change that slightly, and tell you he beats the crap out of her periodically, her mindset, and what she's comfortable consenting to suddenly changes dramatically.

That's why "rape" becomes a lot less useful when you have to figure out "was each party consenting" at the time. Maybe they were, at the time, which means it isn't "rape". But there's an infinite number of reasons why you might end up traumatised by sex that you consented to at the time.

 

[Friday]

But there's an infinite number of reasons why you might end up traumatised by sex that you consented to at the time.

Cheers. Hear, here!

Consent =/= No Problems
Consent = Different problems

& Unfortunately adding rape/sexual assault doesn't magically make the different problems go away. 2 sets of problems to sort, instead of 1.