General PTSD I Know They Are Hurting But Do They Know We Hurt Too?

[TL05]

I need to hear from someone to help me understand. I am dating a man he is suffers from ptsd, tbi and depression. He is in law enforcement and army.

He goes on for days and doesnt talk to me, i know he sees when i can his phone or when i text him, but he never answers. I email him and tell him how much he means to me and still nothing. I see him once in awhile when he's at work and i go by he usually will stop and talk for a few. or calls me once in awhile, but its always for about 5 minutes.

He tells me how hard things are for him to deal with, that he's sorry, that he is having a hard time connecting to me, etc.

What i want to know is I know they are hurting from this, but do they understand that we that love them are hurting also. I dont know how to deal with all this.

I am so sad today, i just hurt so much inside. do i walk away? is that easier for them? i suffer from my own demons, depression, etc. and i just dont know how much i can handle. I just want him to understand that i too hurt, that i understand.

I dont know maybe im rambling on here, but the pain i feel inside i cant explain, it hurts, it hurts so much, becasue i want him well, i want it how it use to be a few months ago.

thanks for listening & please feel free to give me your thoughts or advice

 

[Nicolette]

He goes on for days and doesnt talk to me, i know he sees when i can his phone or when i text him, but he never answers. I email him and tell him how much he means to me and still nothing. I see him once in awhile when he's at work and i go by he usually will stop and talk for a few. or calls me once in awhile, but its always for about 5 minutes.

TL05, while I totally understand your needs, a simple email or text might not seem like much for you but it can be too much for your sufferer when they are feeling the need to isolate themselves....to shut down their world so it is less stressful. What you also have to understand is good stress (contact with someone they love) can be just as harmful as bad stress when your suffer is overloading. I don't know how you can do it but you have to let him be and let him contact you. Yes, I do totally understand how you must feel and how difficult that is but they have a mental illness that can be terribly debilitating when uncontrolled from just simple day to day activities.

What you have to decide is are you willing and able to give him space? I personally know I don't want a relationship like that but your sufferer can get better so you may feel it is worth the heartache right now.

He tells me how hard things are for him to deal with, that he's sorry, that he is having a hard time connecting to me, etc.

This is true while it may be hard to understand and accept.

What i want to know is I know they are hurting from this, but do they understand that we that love them are hurting also. I dont know how to deal with all this.

I can totally empathise with what you are saying. I do think the sufferers realise but their world can be so painful that they are caught up in themselves which unfortunately they have to do...sometimes just to survive.

I am so sad today, i just hurt so much inside. do i walk away? is that easier for them? i suffer from my own demons, depression, etc. and i just dont know how much i can handle. I just want him to understand that i too hurt, that i understand.

Making your sufferer understand will not change anything. He has to deal with his issues and perhaps it is time for you to take the opportunity to deal with your own. Focus on yourself and make your world feel better (a man is not the only good thing) and then you may possibly be able to deal with the situation better. I know when I am stressed or down it does not aide in dealing with normal people around me let alone someone who has PTSD. The cruel reality of PTSD is that sufferers have to be selfish...sometimes it can be the difference between life and death for them. While this seems dramatic I am trying to emphasise that you are not dealing with someone who is having a bad couple of days....it's serious stuff.

TL05, I do hear you and I do feel your pain and heartache. Please take care of you first as only then can you then really make the decisions you need to and answer your own questions. You say you suffer from depression and I am sorry to hear that. Depression can cause your outlook on life to be a little tainted sometimes so I would suggest doing what you can to help which is by being the best you. You have to look after you and that is all you can do here until your sufferer is willing to let you in. Sorry.

I do care and I'm sorry to be so direct but it's the only way I can share my advice with you.

 

[Noone.]

Hey T well I'm a vet, fireman and I have PTSD so I get it. Sometimes it's easier for us to push away when we really should be pulling closer. Were surrounded by new triggers on a daily basis at work so getting better is a challange but not impossiable. Be safe Fire.

 

[fin]

TL please try to read as much as you can here it will help you to understand better. There is so much in understanding and shared experience that will hopefully give you a direction and hopefully help you to understand from his perspective. It is painful watching someone you love hurting, but it is the reality also, and if you can begin yourself to work on this for you, you may find it helps you both.

The cruel reality of PTSD is that sufferers have to be selfish...sometimes it can be the difference between life and death for them. While this seems dramatic I am trying to emphasise that you are not dealing with someone who is having a bad couple of days....it's serious stuff..

As a PTSD'er I can't tell you how good it was to read this Nicolette, someone "outside" acknowledging the reality of it.

The amount of times I have been trashed throughout my life, and then told it means nothing and I have to just bounce back, and that through how everything you are feeling is just negated soo bad and never never seemed to be understood at all, and trying so hard to just keep going and not get racked with guilt is just too much, and I shut down.

I really appreciate that I have been able to read someone other than a person with PTSD understanding the situation. Not knocking the rest of us, but "outside", professionals even treat you like it is an over reaction, of course they tend to be the ones that arent PTSD trained, its just I have only met one that was so far and she got frozen out by the health authority so.

Thankyou Nicolette for this.
~fin

 

[Tinyflame]

I thank you Nicolette too for your post because on the one hand it helps me give myself permission to not minimize it, and at the same time reminds me to get my stuff together because it's not just a "bad couple of days" and if I don't accept that and work my rear off then it will only get worse, not better. -I've got to be the one to put the work in.

Thank you!

 

[Shoka]

My Sufferer Does Realize

Dear TLO5

My sufferer feels very guilty about the pain he sees me going through. He has communicated this to me on a regular basis. He sometimes feels that I'd just be better off without him, which is not the case. I think he shuts down sometimes to protect me from his more extreme negative feelings.

Luckily for me, he doesn't shut me out for too long. I do try to take care of myself by going to see my own therapist. This assures him that I'm getting the help I need to deal with my own feelings.

I've learned over the last few months that when my sufferer needs space, it's best to give it to him, and when my sufferer can not participate in a conversation any longer because it's upsetting him, it's best to back off for a time and re-engage later on.

Hang in there

Shoka

 

[TL05]

I want to thank everyone who answered. I have read and reread all your answers for days, but i couldnt answer back for some reason.

Nicolette your right, i do have to take care of myself, but i right now i dont know how to do that. I feel like a crazy woman with all these emotions running inside of me, I cant remembe the last time i slept or ate right.

I know that he the sufferer has to be selfish, i wish wish it didn't hurt so much and that the shut offs didnt last too long. I'm trying to control myself from calling, emailing etc. I just want him to know he's not alone and at the same time i dont want to lose him.

But I will continue reading the boards and learning, thru this ive realized that i need to start looking for myself, because the added worry has brought out alot of feelings and emotions, that i havent felt since my xhusband left.

again i thank u all for your comments.

 

[Nicolette]

because the added worry has brought out alot of feelings and emotions, that i havent felt since my xhusband left.

TL05, the best thing you can do for yourself and your boyfriend is deal with your issues now that they have arisen. Not just change your behaviour so the feelings are pushed back and put back on the shelf but work out what it is that is making you feel like this and try to resolve them. It may be painful but it will only help you which is the ultimate outcome.

In life we are faced with different situations and with hindsight there are lessons we learned from these, making us who we are today. It sounds to me that now is your opportunity to process some of your past hurt so it doesn't continue to impact on your current life. Seriously, if you have this opportunity take it with both hands running as it is very freeing to deal with past hurt. You want to take luggage with you on your life journey and not baggage if you can help it.

You can't control what happens with your boyfriend and you may not even be able to help him however you can make the best of your life for you!

 

[DrDanger1979]

Nicolette - thank you for this statement:

You want to take luggage with you on your life journey and not baggage if you can help it.

That is a very freeing statement. "Baggage" is such a worrying term. Luggage makes me think of a vacation!

 

[Cin]

They do know they are hurting us, which makes them feel worse... Especially when we tell them how much they are hurting us. My BF told me that when he shuts down, as selfish as it sounds, he doesn't want me to tell him I'm hurting. He runs and hides so he doesnt have to see the people he loves hurting because of him, he tried the other way, of staying around and found it damaged him more. What he needs from me when he is having an episode is to email or text him letting him know I'm doing ok. He says it reduces the pressure and usually means he comes out of it quicker. So yeah, they do know we hurt but like Nicolette said, in the midst of the dark, it is too much for them to reply to us or do anything for us or even themselves.