This is a little longer than intended, but I'm sharing the real. I'm looking for and appreciate any supportive, directive and/or constructive feedback about what I've experienced with my sufferer...thank you.
Background:
We are both very different people, fundamentally. We've been together for the past 3 years (since late 2013). She was living with her father (abuser) when we first met. I quickly let her move in with me because I felt that she needed to get out of there, and within a few months we were pregnant (which she told me officially 5 months later). We have a gorgeous baby girl and she is what is most important. Baby Girl was born end of the summer 2014. We moved into a new house in the the beginning of 2015. Around middle of 2015 she stopped coming home as much, and spent a lot of time at her mother's new apartment (recently divorced abuser*), and she moved out by Oct 2015. Nov 2015 through Jan 2016 was absolute hell. I will spare the details, but went through a lot. Somehow we kinda found each other again by Feb 2016. Feb 2016 through a couple day ago, I was under the impression we were working to be in a relationship again, and trying to be a family with our daughter. Also under the impression we were both learning and benefiting from the communication in couples therapy**.
She would often go on these "family trips" and there was always a lot of conflict, and a lot of mean things being said on both sides. Some of these trips seemed more secretive than others, but always conflict. I'm very cerebral, so logically, and from what I have learned about PTSD sufferers (which also led me to BPD***), and as supported by the people I trust the most; I understood there was the likelihood she was seeing someone else. I asked her when intimacy and sex issues are the main topics and she always said no, and I never had any hard evidence, so I always defended her in the end. From June 2014 through now she has been seeing someone else in another state. She blocked me from her social medias and has been living what I would call a double life, and what she describes as a "dream" in a relationship with this other guy. I feel better knowing, and after writing this. I don't hate her, and am trying to be the best father as possible for our daughter. I'm trying to have mercy and guide her down a better path.
*For me this is a major difference from when I first met her.
**Therapist asked us straight-up if we were seeing someone else, and said it wouldn't work if we were.
***Read a book that said it's easier to have sex with strangers because of less emotional depth.
7 Key Issues/Problems:
1. I love her. I made a commitment to her to parent our daughter the right ways. I also made a commitment to myself when I learned that abandonment issues are likely influencer for withdrawing and that no matter what she throws at me to not abandon her.
2. I'm feel like her "target of blame". She is an internal processor and does not outwardly take responsibility for her actions or what she says. For me I feel I get a lot of projection, lying and talking in circles to avoid accountability. She really tried to cut me down, and I have had to learn ways to stay mentally strong because it's exhausting. I am able to accept responsibility for the inexcusable things I've brought to the table, and try to be better everyday. It's a two way thing for me, she's told me I'm like 90% to blame for why we aren't together? On the flip side, I do think she likes me on some level, as I feel like the secret relationship. I'd also say we're likely co-dependent. Honesty.
3. I lust for her. I'm very attracted to her, she's absolutely beautiful, and I want to have sex with her. We've had to make our sex life less emotionally heavy. She always talks about how long it takes to get in the mood, says it hurts, and makes excuses for what seems like a chore and will usually get me out of the mood too. Lastly, she told me that sometimes she counts during sex, so that makes I'm curious if that's perhaps a clue to her trauma being sexually related? Also she admitted to having sex with the other guy.
4. She makes her PTSD a boundary for me and seems to minimize it as much as possible. Again, from what I've learned a sufferer needs to want treatment to get it. She has repeatedly said she doesn't like her therapist, and doesn't go as often as she used to. Hard to accept when I've experienced and am forced to accept certain patterns of behavior and decision making. I understand someone else has been getting the positives.
5. I don't understand how she could risk everything like this. She is definitely more risk-oriented than I am, and to me I see that she's literately risked everything related to our family in the fashion that she has. Hard not to feel disappointed.
6. I don't understand the lying, and I don't know how to believe her right now. She promised me she's done with that guy, but I'm still blocked and he still has pictures up with her still after I told him about our relationship. So nothing really to go off of.
7. Trying to be a positive influence and guide her toward changing for the better, whether thats with me or not. I asked her to do some soul searching and she's neglected other responsibilities because of "her world crashing down". At the end of the day I have to listen to her, and try to make the best plans for our daughter.
That's all I got for now...and thank you for any quality feedback.
Background:
We are both very different people, fundamentally. We've been together for the past 3 years (since late 2013). She was living with her father (abuser) when we first met. I quickly let her move in with me because I felt that she needed to get out of there, and within a few months we were pregnant (which she told me officially 5 months later). We have a gorgeous baby girl and she is what is most important. Baby Girl was born end of the summer 2014. We moved into a new house in the the beginning of 2015. Around middle of 2015 she stopped coming home as much, and spent a lot of time at her mother's new apartment (recently divorced abuser*), and she moved out by Oct 2015. Nov 2015 through Jan 2016 was absolute hell. I will spare the details, but went through a lot. Somehow we kinda found each other again by Feb 2016. Feb 2016 through a couple day ago, I was under the impression we were working to be in a relationship again, and trying to be a family with our daughter. Also under the impression we were both learning and benefiting from the communication in couples therapy**.
She would often go on these "family trips" and there was always a lot of conflict, and a lot of mean things being said on both sides. Some of these trips seemed more secretive than others, but always conflict. I'm very cerebral, so logically, and from what I have learned about PTSD sufferers (which also led me to BPD***), and as supported by the people I trust the most; I understood there was the likelihood she was seeing someone else. I asked her when intimacy and sex issues are the main topics and she always said no, and I never had any hard evidence, so I always defended her in the end. From June 2014 through now she has been seeing someone else in another state. She blocked me from her social medias and has been living what I would call a double life, and what she describes as a "dream" in a relationship with this other guy. I feel better knowing, and after writing this. I don't hate her, and am trying to be the best father as possible for our daughter. I'm trying to have mercy and guide her down a better path.
*For me this is a major difference from when I first met her.
**Therapist asked us straight-up if we were seeing someone else, and said it wouldn't work if we were.
***Read a book that said it's easier to have sex with strangers because of less emotional depth.
7 Key Issues/Problems:
1. I love her. I made a commitment to her to parent our daughter the right ways. I also made a commitment to myself when I learned that abandonment issues are likely influencer for withdrawing and that no matter what she throws at me to not abandon her.
2. I'm feel like her "target of blame". She is an internal processor and does not outwardly take responsibility for her actions or what she says. For me I feel I get a lot of projection, lying and talking in circles to avoid accountability. She really tried to cut me down, and I have had to learn ways to stay mentally strong because it's exhausting. I am able to accept responsibility for the inexcusable things I've brought to the table, and try to be better everyday. It's a two way thing for me, she's told me I'm like 90% to blame for why we aren't together? On the flip side, I do think she likes me on some level, as I feel like the secret relationship. I'd also say we're likely co-dependent. Honesty.
3. I lust for her. I'm very attracted to her, she's absolutely beautiful, and I want to have sex with her. We've had to make our sex life less emotionally heavy. She always talks about how long it takes to get in the mood, says it hurts, and makes excuses for what seems like a chore and will usually get me out of the mood too. Lastly, she told me that sometimes she counts during sex, so that makes I'm curious if that's perhaps a clue to her trauma being sexually related? Also she admitted to having sex with the other guy.
4. She makes her PTSD a boundary for me and seems to minimize it as much as possible. Again, from what I've learned a sufferer needs to want treatment to get it. She has repeatedly said she doesn't like her therapist, and doesn't go as often as she used to. Hard to accept when I've experienced and am forced to accept certain patterns of behavior and decision making. I understand someone else has been getting the positives.
5. I don't understand how she could risk everything like this. She is definitely more risk-oriented than I am, and to me I see that she's literately risked everything related to our family in the fashion that she has. Hard not to feel disappointed.
6. I don't understand the lying, and I don't know how to believe her right now. She promised me she's done with that guy, but I'm still blocked and he still has pictures up with her still after I told him about our relationship. So nothing really to go off of.
7. Trying to be a positive influence and guide her toward changing for the better, whether thats with me or not. I asked her to do some soul searching and she's neglected other responsibilities because of "her world crashing down". At the end of the day I have to listen to her, and try to make the best plans for our daughter.
That's all I got for now...and thank you for any quality feedback.
