General I'm So Confused. I Need To Figure Out My Boundaries Right Now To Survive.

[NaeNae75]

We all know how hard limbo can be. I know I'm fairly used to it. This round of isolation has been unusually difficult for me because of throwing his son into the mix. When his son "lived" with his mother, he never really noticed when his dad would isolate from the rest of us. Plus, he was only with him on the weekends, so he could muster up enough "whatever" to try to maintain "normal" around him.

This time, because he's living here now, it's completely different. His already fragile son is suffering. In nearly 7 years I have NEVER heard him yell/chastise his son like he did the other day. He was in straight military mode, even to the point he was using military jargon he normally doesn't use around us. Of course I'm used to it from my dad...and that's exactly what he reminded me of.

He did tell me that he loves me and that if I give him some time everything will be okay...but what about me? What about the kids? What about everyone else in the meantime? I have PTSD...no one gives me "my way" when I'm hurting. Why does he think he is the only one who's feelings matter in all of this?

We are supposed to talk tonight. I don't even know what to say. I don't know how to say it. I feel like I'm in a no win situation. I can either keep my mouth shut and let all of us feel tortured, I can leave and just "get over it", I can tell him how I feel and what I see, and take that big step back or I can do what exactly?

I don't know what to do. I don't know how I feel. I know what I want, but I know that isn't feasible right now. I know we need better boundaries, but I don't even know how to get them established right now. I feel almost in crisis mode.

I'm trying desperately to get away from how angry I feel. I'm angry at his actions. I'm angry at how his actions brought up sooooooo much stuff from my past. I'm angry that he expects me to focus on his PTSD and his wants and needs, but he isn't willing to deal with mine. I have to do that for myself....which is fine, I always have done it myself...but than wtf am I hanging on for?

He isn't being very good to me. He hasn't been for at least a month, but he sure expects everything from me. I would have no problem telling him no if he needed something...but I'm having a problem telling him no for stuff his son needs. I feel like his son doesn't have anyone but me right now. I don't want to see him end up having to deal with PTSD himself eventually if it can be avoided by me just taking care of him.

I can't wrap my head around it. So what would appropriate boundaries be right now? I don't even know how to go about setting and enforcing them right now. I really need to figure out what I really want. Well, I know what I really want, but I don't know if that's even going to be possible.

Generally I'm a rather clever person....I feel like an absolute dummy right now. Everyone says...oh you're doing the right thing; you're taking care of stuff in the only way you can....etc. Well, than why do I feel so damn horrible and helpless? My anxiety is through the roof, and I'm getting to the point I can't focus on the task at hand at work and at home. I'm running out of steam and losing my drive. I really need to get this figured out so I can function.

 

[Justmehere]

Anger in and of itself isn't a bad thing. It's what we do with it that matters. Anger is often a sign that something we value is in danger or a boundary has been crossed.

It would be very reasonable to say, "when you do xyz (specific behaviors), I feel angry and devalued. I need xyz in order for me to be able to stay in this relationship with you."

If you can point out something t hat he did well in the past that you need to continue, that would be a good place to start. Then the boundary setting might be better received - and then end with another positive. (This is called the sandwich method.)

As far as what the boundaries should be, you are the best person to say what your limits are. And that's all boundary setting is. It's not a means to control another, but a means to express what we will and will not allow in our lives. Because boundary setting is about our limits, rather than controlling a person, it's less about appropriateness and more about focusing on saying it from an *i* position. This means looking at it in a "I need...." kind of way rather than "you need to change...." What you need and where your limits are is just something that is. It's not good or bad, it just is. If what you need is not something he is willing or able to do, it's still good for him to know. Expressing what your needs/limits are let's him decide and evaluate what he is willing/able to do.

In many cases, I would suggest focus on specific behaviors you need that would help you feel better valued and respected - rather than things like I need you to go to therapy. by focusing on the behaviors that need to change, that leave the ball in his court to get the help he needs to change or not.

Setting boundaries is freaking hard in the best of circumstances and you are dealing with circumstances that seriously take phD level relationship boundary setting skills! It makes sense to feel baffled and confused.

Boundary setting doesn't have to be in stone. You can try something out as a trial period or experiment of sorts, in a "can we try doing it this way and see what happens?" kind of approach and then revise over time.

A suggestion my therapist gave me for a complicated boundary setting situation: write down 3 things I value, 3 reachable goals, and 3 things that need to change for me to better reach my goals and honor my values. Sometimes this helps... sometimes things are still as clear as muddy water.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I think most of us supporters have had to have that really hard look at our relationships at one point in time or another. Probably more than once... that "can I do this?" question. "Why do I do this?" "Why am I putting up with this treatment?"

It's hard. I've come to that point more than once myself. I'm sure I will again in the future.

I've given myself this limit. There has to be more good than bad... I have to have happiness in my home to balance out the bad times when he is ill. I'm not talking about the idea of him making me happy. I'm talking about him actually being loving and caring enough to make me happy.

I don't think I could manage if it was mostly bad. I can't function on scraps of love.

It's not a healthy relationship when one of the partners is miserable.

 

[NaeNae75]

To this point I haven't really done much of anything with my anger but let it make me anxious. I suppose I'm in danger of letting it shut me down. I've been too afraid to say anything to him because of the backlash I've been getting. Really, I'm losing hope and faith in almost everything.

I'm having trouble even knowing anything right now. We did meet today. It was basically two steps back before I even opened my mouth....literally. Once we talked, I tried to implement some very basic boundaries. Like super basic. He was in no place to hear me....not even a little, when we started.

He was accusing me of blaming him for everything and saying I think he's a failure and I'm telling him it's all his fault that everyone has problems, and that he hates that I think he's using me. I asked him when exactly I said ANY of this... he basically said that because I was distant Saturday and "yelled" at him accusing him of being a terrible parent for not having LK's glasses... and that I told him Kyle's behavior problems are all his fault.

So, there wasn't much to this conversation, other than explaining how I never said any of these things and that I haven't raised my voice, in fact...we've barely spoken. I'm not going to get much more in depth here....I'll spare you that.

But what I will say is that your suggestions are very helpful. I will take some time to "calm down" and really look at how to formulate what I need in a way that can be conveyed effectively. Hopefully, next time we meet up to talk, he will be more capable of being receptive. We have plans Friday....but I think that's too soon to "talk" again.

Once again, thank you so much for the guidance.

 

[NaeNae75]

I think most of us supporters have had to have that really hard look at our relationships at one poi...

Oh....thank you for this! Thank you so much for the reminder. I've been so wrapped up in my hurt right now, that I actually forgot why I'm doing this. When he isn't symptomatic, he is very good, respectful and loving the vast majority of the time. What a nice reminder to remember that.

I really needed this tonight, so sincerely...thank you!

 

[NaeNae75]

We are supposed to talk tonight. I don't even know what to say. I don't know how to say it. I feel like I'm in a no win situation. I can either keep my mouth shut and let all of us feel tortured, I can leave and just "get over it", I can tell him how I feel and what I see, and take that big step back or I can do what exactly?

So, once we talked....it didn't go well, and did all at the same time. What was rough is the fact we had a bit of a step back from his continued lack of rational thinking right now. He hears bits and pieces of things and jumbles them all together in a way that justifies his "everyone is against me" thoughts and his irrational guilt and shame. Oh PTSD....you dirty dog!

I think this right now, is why it is so difficult for me to function. It's difficult to have a conversation when, honestly, he's barely capable of it with me right now. He says, "Out of all the people I know, only my conversations with you end up an hour long and difficult with all these awkward silences". My answer was, "Well, I would hope so....I'm the only person you're in a relationship with. Of course you wouldn't have conversations like that with anyone else....for pete's sakes...you barely even talk to anyone else." Then I told him, "There are times I don't say much because I'm afraid to....or I don't know how to say what I need to without upsetting you. Of course that makes it hard to always know what to say."

I don't know how to deal with how to say things to him right now, without my words getting all twisted around. I'm VERY conscience of my tone right now because of how sensitive he currently is... I know when our conversation started yesterday, after one of those awkward silences, I said, "I sort of need to understand what is going on right now." He just blasted me in a snide and contemptuous tone and his body language was hostile. He said, "Honestly, I think we might have to break up and since you're having such a hard time with everything, maybe we should have absolutely no contact what-so-ever."

Earlier yesterday, he was actually fairly sweet when we were talking. He genuinely seems to react like this when I'm trying to give him his "space". I asked him why he seemed so angry with me. He basically said it's because he feels like I think he's a failure and that everything is his fault. I calmly and quietly explained that I don't understand where he is drawing that conclusion from. I told him I have done everything he has asked. I told him the only thing I haven't done that I usually do is "sweet talk" him back and stroke his ego. I told him that I'm not strong enough right now for that.

I told him my energy is being spent dealing with the isolation, and keeping up with supporting the kids. I told him that just because I'm not showering him with affection doesn't mean I'm being stand offish. I told him I do love him and I'm right here with him. I told him that I'm not going anywhere, but I am hurt and I'm tired. I told him that under the circumstances, I think I'm handling the situation very well. I said, "I haven't yelled at you, I haven't blamed you, I'm giving you your space, I'm taking care of the kids...so I just don't have enough in the tanks to shower you with love without some reciprocity from you."

He also kept bringing up that he doesn't want me to feel used. He also expressed concern that I don't understand how overwhelmed he is with "how busy" he has been taking care of his son. He has mentioned on a separate occasion he feels like a failure...and that he's afraid I will see him that way too. I don't think he was completely prepared for how much "work" it was going to be to be a full time parent. This is a huge adjustment for him.

I wish he would just quit transferring/projecting his guilt and hurt and anger onto me. Once I ask him a series of questions, he generally realizes he isn't being fair, and I haven't done anything to elicit the anger. But this is what is making everything so hard to communicate with him...and enforce the most basic of boundaries.

By the end of the conversation, I think what I said to him was sinking in and he softened his tone with me. He even made plans with me for Friday after his son leaves for the weekend. Plus last night he texted me goodnight with my nicname..."goodnight, Nae" He only ever does that when he's not upset with me. I've had a lot of "goodnight, Renee" lately for whatever reason. For now, I will use this as a good sign. It doesn't matter if it is or not, but right now I need one to maintain my sanity.

It would be very reasonable to say, "when you do xyz (specific behaviors), I feel angry and devalued. I need xyz in order for me to be able to stay in this relationship with you."

Unfortunately, I don't know if he's in a place right now to even be able to receive this message. Normally he would, but not right now. He already seems so shaky on if he wants our relationship because of how painful it seems to him right now. He's pushing me away to "protect me" again. I think I'll put this into the save box, though....because once he's more receptive, it's a good place to start for the "healing process" for me.

Boundary setting doesn't have to be in stone. You can try something out as a trial period or experiment of sorts, in a "can we try doing it this way and see what happens?" kind of approach and then revise over time.

I think this is the only place I can genuinely start right now. I think this will give him the least amount of pressure right now. He's already at max capacity.... Thanks again for the advice. I'm trying hard to get my own head to stop spinning long enough to try to not fall down too hard.

I think most of us supporters have had to have that really hard look at our relationships at one point in time or another. Probably more than once... that "can I do this?" question. "Why do I do this?" "Why am I putting up with this treatment?"

Yeah....I'm there right now. Plus for me, it's hard not to feel like it's my fault somehow.

I have to have happiness in my home to balance out the bad times when he is ill.

Today I really needed to re-read this. He is ill....and even though I remember, I don't always accept it or take it into consideration when I'm so hurt. You're right, the happiness has to outweigh the hard times. When I take a step back, I fervently believe they do....like 80 to 90 percent of the time. But boy that 10 to 20 percent sure can be a doozy! It's really hard to remember how really small a time the rough patch lasts when you're in the middle of it. Especially this time. This is the ugliest "episode" we've had in a looooonnnnngggg time.

 

[aut555]

I think looking at if you are baited. That means he may say something knowing full well that it will set you off, angry, confused. Then he can follow being super nice. With narrcistic behavior, you are given little doses of good but more doses of crazy like behavior. So you become addicted to the cycles, but he was nice to me, l will keep hanging on for my next reward. It's a dance l entered into with my ex until l finally walked away. But you are aware that you need boundaries in place but by keeping you off guard, it's hard to get that up and running. Keeping you in constant chaos keeps you in limbo as you stated at the very begining of your post. It's a very effective tool. Because there never is a down time. You will be in limbo until you make some serious decisions. Hope you are able to see that this comes with compassion from me to you.

 

[NaeNae75]

I think looking at if you are baited. That means he may say something knowing full well that it will set...

I appreciate your concern. I really don't think he has any intent on this. When he isn't symptomatic, which is 80 to 90 percent of the time, he's the most generous, kind, and sensitive person I've ever known. I truly think his "episodes" truly come from a place of pain for him. I have seen him at his most vulnerable, and it's heartbreaking.

When he isn't symptomatic, he does respect my boundaries. In fact he is extremely nurturing and gentile. I grew up with a narcissist...I'm not a fan of their behavior. I truly think his biggest problem with him is that he dislikes himself so much, he wants to believe I do to. When I refuse to take the "bait" as you said, and remind him I'm not the one who has these thoughts, but he does. At this point, he always calms down and softens.

I take away his ability to project his self hate onto me.

 

[aut555]

Then it's great you are there for him. But you still need to take care of yourself and respect yourself. Maybe you are both on a healing path together. That's beautiful too.

 

[NaeNae75]

Then it's great you are there for him. But you still need to take care of yourself and respect yourself....

I couldn't agree with you more. I'm trying hard to do exactly that, while trying to hold our family together...
Kind of like Lilo and Stich, It's little and broken, but it's our family...or something like that, lol

 

[aut555]

Have read we are attracted to people with similar issues in mates. But not sure how to work that into the equation of my life. My current "uninvolvement" is someone who has some childhood trauma. Just scratching my head again. This was my ex, severe childhood neglect. Ok, sorry to ramble on.

 

[NaeNae75]

Have read we are attracted to people with similar issues in mates. But not sure how to work that into th...

Don't be sorry, I don't think it's rambling at all!