Diagnostic Panic That Doesn't Make Sense

[theshadowoftheliving]

Why do I panic every time a therapist tells me that DID has been ruled out for me? This should be really good news and yet now I can't stop shaking and I can't seem to stay grounded.

I'm really worried about what this one part of me will do, the part that yells at me for being dramatic and just wants me to die. The last time a therapist told me this scary things happened.

Why can't I just be glad? Why do I kind of not believe her?

 

[Ronin]

Can you share that with your therapist?

That while you may not meet the diagnostic criteria for D.I.D., there's definitely traumatic compartmentalization going on and what you were told feels as denying your suffering & causes you functioning issues?

Just because a very specific diagnosis was ruled out does not mean you are not plural.
It does not mean anyone of you is less real.
It does not mean the trauma did not happen, either.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

It always feels like I'm just being dramatic. Wanting attention or something. Like I should just try harder and get over it.

And I'm trying. I'm trying so hard. And I'm tired of trying this hard, of doing so many crazy things like setting alarms in the middle of the day to not lose track of things and having to write daily schedules for everything, constantly meeting people who I know I'm supposed to know because they know me. Getting confused about my commute home that I've done for more than six months. Forgetting my age or my name or where I live. I hate it all and it just feels so endless and impossible. I can't do this anymore. I don't want to try when no one believes me. When no one pays attention to how hard it is. When I can't even trust my own perceptions of the world.

I wish I could just make myself disappear.

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

It's possible that you fall short by just one single solitary diagnostic criterion! Just as with PTSD diagnosing, there is a threshold for the full blown disorder, but that doesn't mean people who are just below this level aren't suffering at all. Does it help to remind yourself of this?

 

[Ronin]

Wanting attention or something.

That's a basic trait of anything living though? Having needs, having them met, attention is one of those basics, it's not a bad thing.

 

[Ronin]

I don't want to try when no one believes me.

I knoow, it's difficult.

Though we believe you, & you don't need people's belief to be you, just be you, you're moving the mountains day by day enough.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I'm just also really confused about what having a dissociative disorder means. I thought I had one. This therapist said I didn't. So am I just being dramatic? I don't want to be dramatic.

 

[Ronin]

This therapist said I didn't.

Maybe it's time to change the therapist.

Before any other decisions. Getting someone actually qualified in trauma & dissociation.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

But I feel like I am so dramatic and I don't know how to stop. I'm so numb I could throw myself in front of a train and not feel it. I'm not anyone. Empty. And I want to die. I don't want to do this anymore.

 

[Ronin]

Do you have people outside of that therapist you can talk to?

Do you have somewhere safe to go, with anyone to make /sure/ you don't get hurt?

Dramatic is okay.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

Not about this stuff.

I want to be believed.

No one believes me.

Why is it so hard to do this?

 

[Sideways]

I believe you.

I know what it's like to be told "No, you are not DID." That p-doc was wrong, actually.

I believe you.