If You Didn't Have A Chance To Build A Self Before Complex Trauma

[FreeBeer]

I feel compelled to ask you @gizmo - and anyone else with input - if you don’t mind, how you establish authenticity to be real, i.e how does something qualify to become part of your authentic self?

I’ve also gone through the ‘reset’ (tossing fake self), and had to accept that even what I held closest to heart was on the list of c-ptsd symptoms; “a girl is no one” suddenly had more context than “yo, I’m Beer, the face I currently wear”.
It’s funny, though, that the more you dig, the less you find, and being devoid of substance makes it increasingly difficult to connect with people, yet an animal can see you, know you, without a word having ever been uttered, without knowing your likes and dislikes, your hobbies, profession or your past.

It’d be interesting to get to know a human with the verbal aspect excluded for some time.

Btw, this thread will always be relevant :happy:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@FreeBeer it was the little things. For starters I began to listen to different kinds of music and I changed my style of clothing too. I wore my hair different, these are such small things but my fake self was so fake and unreal, no real life inside. I also began to start feeling feelings for others instead of pretending feelings. It took a very long time of sorting through to find the real me and it is still a work in progress because life is change and there have been such changes in my life. I hope this helps you

 

[Teasel]

I'm a long way from there indeed. I feel v out of touch with myself. Lately I've been keeping a private diary at the end of each day - primarily to try and get more in touch with me, how I feel and to help me reflect. Would love to hear what others have done or tips etc

 

[ms spock]

I am watching the ways in which I talk to myself and teach myself now.

 

[ms spock]

I feel like that I am literally building a new self at this time. Sometimes I wonder if I will develop enough to step up to the plate for the next challenge. So far I am doing it - though with a lot of grumbling and stress at times. So new parts of me are opening up, developing or being born. It is quite exhausting at times.

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

So far I am doing it - though with a lot of grumbling and stress at times. So new parts of me are opening up, developing or being born. It is quite exhausting at times.

And look at how far you've come from your initial post! As @FreeBeer said, this post will always be relevant. It's important to celebrate the baby steps along with the milestones that = growth. Childbirth is hard as f*ck! And "growing yourself up" from scratch is arduous and exhausting at times. Like a growing child, we need lots of naps. At least I do. And safe cuddles. And play time. And someone to lovingly fuss over our scraped knees before sending us back out to play and try again. Not just food and water and a roof over our head.

For me, the earliest I can definitely pinpoint the initial trauma is 4 years old. So, I don't have any memory of a pre-trauma self. I don't have DID, I don't think of myself as having alters or parts, but facets. I try to make sure that whatever "facet" I'm showing to the world is authentic, even if it's not 100% of the "real me." But, I can fake good. I can fake it very well, very authentically, and what I've been going through lately has been quite a humbling experience. I sometimes have to remember to check in with myself about how "authentic" I'm really being.

 

[ms spock]

I am really dealing with being honest, being tactful and what is appropriate @Lola Nocheprieta I don't know how to manage that.

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

being honest, being tactful

Hm, being honest and tactful at the same time? Challenging. And you want to throw appropriate in there, too? Seriously, those are good things to work on, but yes, definitely difficult. I am struggling with honesty, too. Honesty and authenticity, and not being so tactful and agreeable all the damn time. Different sides of the honesty coin, perhaps? In what way are you struggling with honesty?

In my brain, honesty = visibility = vulnerability = unsafe = people will be angry = angry people are very, very dangerous and will hurt you and could even kill you. It's not that I'm dishonest, it's that I just don't share a lot. At least, I don't share the things that are personal and sensitive to me (other people may see me as quite open and comfortable talking about difficult topics.) Mostly, I am trying my best to be scrupulously honest in therapy, and to be more open and communicative with my wife. Yeeesh... that's hard for me!!!

Hang in there, @Ms Spock.

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

@Ms Spock, in your "building a new self from scratch," you said new parts were developing and being born. Is the honesty/tact/appropriateness thing a new thing? That is, are you building this on some foundation of "selfhood" that you've already built?

In thinking about childhood development, it strikes me that children and adolescents really go through a loooong period of stages-within-stages of figuring this out. The things a preschooler needs to learn about honesty and tact are different than what a teenage is figuring out. I cringe at some of the things I've said as an adult, like, uh, not all that long ago, that I later realized was less than tactful or not really appropriate (especially due to impulse control issues thanks to ADHD.) Just curious where you feel you "are" at this stage of your growth and development.

If my questions are too personal or probing, feel free to ignore or tell me
off in a separate convo! ;) I just find this a very relevant thread and interesting topic.

 

[ms spock]

In my brain, honesty = visibility = vulnerability = unsafe = people will be angry = angry people are very, very dangerous and will hurt you and could even kill you.

I fear being killed for being seen/visible - though I am in a safe situation now.

I am dishonest @Lola Nocheoprieta and I am working on that bit by bit. I feel pretty upset as I told a lie last Friday and it was not a good lie to tell. I just agreed with a woman that she said she wouldn't allow for someone's "mental illness" (her nephew) to make her feel sorry for them or go out of her way for them as she has suffered from anxiety and depression as well. I didn't say it depends on where someone's brain is - that I honestly, sincerely didn't agree with that or I respectfully disagree. That my grandmother's brain was broken by depression or my Father's brain is broken by PTSD. I just agreed, nodded and then said "People need to do it step by step" - how against that is my own values and beliefs - so against my own life experiences. I mean it is a step by step process for me in getting well and managing my symptoms - but it was such an easy fix of just wanting to get better. I tried for decades to get better. I really did. I got no traction due to my unfortunate circumstances.

 

[ms spock]

@Ms Spock, in your "building a new self from scratch," you said new parts were developing and being born. Is the honesty/tact/appropriateness thing a new thing? That is, are you building this on some foundation of "selfhood" that you've already built?

Not sure I think so.

In thinking about childhood development, it strikes me that children and adolescents really go through a loooong period of stages-within-stages of figuring this out. The things a preschooler needs to learn about honesty and tact are different than what a teenage is figuring out. I cringe at some of the things I've said as an adult, like, uh, not all that long ago, that I later realized was less than tactful or not really appropriate (especially due to impulse control issues thanks to ADHD.) Just curious where you feel you "are" at this stage of your growth and development.

I am bouncing between preschooler, 8 year old or a teenager - I am kind of not really sure where I am with it all, and I am scared of stuffing it up. I am really scared of stuffing it up.

I think I may have stuffed up a situation - but then I am also not sure.

 

[Freedomfighter]

If you didn't have a chance to build a self before the trauma/s then how do you find out who you are?

M...

That is a very good question, what does an adult do when that kind of abuse started from such a young age? It is a terrible legacy of my family too. I had to totally shut myself off from my own dad because of that, otherwise I would not have survived.