Disclosure is such a fundamental thing, and I've definitely observed that once therapists arrive at how they want to handle disclosure, they stick to it like glue. But, that doesn't mean you don't need to work out this issue. I think there is always a point where - after it's clear that the client and therapist are going to stick it out for awhile (like, after a year) - that there's a need to discuss the actual client/therapist relationship, and how it's working, and what you as a client would like to see change - or, eve, just what you need to get off your chest.
My therapist doesn't hesitate to bring himself into the room, and there was a period of time early on where I had to express, clearly, that I didn't want him to bring his current life with his family into the conversation. I couldn't stand him using those examples as a way to parallel my experience, because I don't have a family and I can't have children. I did benefit when he used examples from his childhood and college and post-college years; I could connect with those things, without feeling more depressed.
And, after awhile, I started asking about his family, and he figured out how to incorporate that stuff again, but always focusing on his experience within it, not just telling stories about the kids at the pool. There's a difference.
identifying areas where we connect or relate. This way she can choose--but she actively lets me see that she's real and not secretive. I don't need her to have a trauma history herself, or to share the details of it with me (and I so see the dangers of the other side, an over-sharing therapist--truly!) but I need her to show me she is also not "hiding".
I bolded the important bits. This is a much clearer request than simply asking someone to bring themselves into the room. You are looking for relational touchstones - not trauma connections. You are craving that basic human connection, and are struggling to understand the whole 'container to hold whatever' thing. (My therapist uses that too, it drives me nuts)
Why not disclose these little things? Why not be more of a person? The answer I always end up with is because she's not who I wish or need or think she is--that instead there's someone behind there who doesn't really care, or who doesn't like or trust me, or who is repulsed by me....any of those things. All thoughts--I know--that are informed by my history. But that's also why I think I need her to push a bit further here. She wants me to be able to express feelings of rage and repulsion--but I hold back.
These are great questions. I really encourage you to bring them to therapy, even if you need to read them aloud from printing out this post.
What you also have to keep in mind is - you are pretty sure you know what you want (areas where you connect or relate to each other). There is a chance that she's right, and that these things will actually not help you progress. She might be right. What is important here is engaging completely in the conversation. Right now, you don't really understand why she's doing what she's doing. And asking her to help you understand is going to be more productive than going at it like you are trying to get her to do something. Be open to the fact that you could be convinced.
The conversation about what you want, why you want it so strongly, and what the real intention is behind her not-sharing, why it matters to your therapy - that's what matters. You may come out the other end without her changing; you could change instead.
I've found that my conversations with my therapist around things like this have always, always been more productive when I remembered that I've hired him because he's trained and skilled and I do believe in his ability to help get me where I am trying to go. So, I've got to give him some latitude on that. But it doesn't mean I can't ask.
(This is all very timely for me, as next session he and I will be talking about his stance on the therapist expressing emotion, and how it's interfering with my ability to progress right now).
