Poconogirl
New Here
Hello, having a slight panic attack as I type this, I have been living with PTSD since I was 20yrs old but never really realized what it was till recently. I have been through so much in the last 12 yrs that I don't know who I am anymore I just know I'm not the same person I was. And the last time I opened up to someone for help I was betrayed and told that he didn't know how to help me and he was a certified pastor and counselor.
I was told about this site from page on Facebook so I'm giving this another try. In the end of May of 2004 my grandmother was diagnosed with a very aggressive cancer and were told she had 6 months to a year 2 months later on July 27 at 10:55 pm I sat in an E. R. and held her hand as she passed away but I wasn't allowed to cry or be upset in front of my grandfather if I did my mom would yell at me. So for two weeks after she passed I would lock my door at night lay in my bed and soflty cry myself to sleep. But I would only stay asleep for an hour or so before I would start replaying everything in my head, and the nightmares started.
After she passed away my grandfathers care was put in my hands. I was his live-in caretaker for 8 years the last 2 being the worst and where I started to become burned out and depressed. In these 8 years I said goodbye and buried 10 people very close to me it always came in 3s one way or another. In 2010 my grandfather's health took a dramatic turn for the worst he had a severe heart attack and pretty much gave up and made me the bad guy. Every time something went wrong it was my fault, if we ran out of something my fault, something went missing my fault and so on. He even accused me of always making everything harder on him, he was on meds around the clock and it was up to me to keep track of the schedule needless to say I never got much sleep or time to myself and what little sleep I was able to get was constantly interrupted by nightmares and flashbacks of my grandmother. The nightmares got so bad and so frequent I was afraid to go sleep and to make matters worse every time I had multiple nightmare someone else would die.
In 2012 my grandfather was in and out of the hospital just about every other month each time I had to call an ambulance and every time he would get mad at me. Now whenever I hear an ambulance siren I begin to shake and cry. On October 17 2012 I sat in his bed held his hand and watched him take his last breath, my parents got to the house a few seconds later.
In the almost 4 years since he passed I buried 8 more people. The economy forced me to move back in with my parents into the house my grandfather died in. So that brings me to now trying to navigate the waters of PTSD of nightmares, panic attacks and no support form anyone.
I was told about this site from page on Facebook so I'm giving this another try. In the end of May of 2004 my grandmother was diagnosed with a very aggressive cancer and were told she had 6 months to a year 2 months later on July 27 at 10:55 pm I sat in an E. R. and held her hand as she passed away but I wasn't allowed to cry or be upset in front of my grandfather if I did my mom would yell at me. So for two weeks after she passed I would lock my door at night lay in my bed and soflty cry myself to sleep. But I would only stay asleep for an hour or so before I would start replaying everything in my head, and the nightmares started.
After she passed away my grandfathers care was put in my hands. I was his live-in caretaker for 8 years the last 2 being the worst and where I started to become burned out and depressed. In these 8 years I said goodbye and buried 10 people very close to me it always came in 3s one way or another. In 2010 my grandfather's health took a dramatic turn for the worst he had a severe heart attack and pretty much gave up and made me the bad guy. Every time something went wrong it was my fault, if we ran out of something my fault, something went missing my fault and so on. He even accused me of always making everything harder on him, he was on meds around the clock and it was up to me to keep track of the schedule needless to say I never got much sleep or time to myself and what little sleep I was able to get was constantly interrupted by nightmares and flashbacks of my grandmother. The nightmares got so bad and so frequent I was afraid to go sleep and to make matters worse every time I had multiple nightmare someone else would die.
In 2012 my grandfather was in and out of the hospital just about every other month each time I had to call an ambulance and every time he would get mad at me. Now whenever I hear an ambulance siren I begin to shake and cry. On October 17 2012 I sat in his bed held his hand and watched him take his last breath, my parents got to the house a few seconds later.
In the almost 4 years since he passed I buried 8 more people. The economy forced me to move back in with my parents into the house my grandfather died in. So that brings me to now trying to navigate the waters of PTSD of nightmares, panic attacks and no support form anyone.
