@Freedomfighter I would turbo charge the Self Compassion I really would. I would look at reading the whole website and learning it by heart.
I would also do a lot of grounding and Mindfulness when you are not at work and doing it all the time so you create a way to be which is outside trauma based responses.
Here is a post I did for another member - you might find some of it helpful. After that is a list of stuff that I have used that has been the most of use to me. I am really time poor so I don't have time to really answer in detail - so I hope that these two posts are of use to you.
post to another member
It doesn't matter that you are having those feelings. What is needed for feelings like that is busting
distorted cognitions and
Self Compassion.Some attention to self sabotage will be required by you - as your mind is so creative.
If you want to stop everything feeling like a criticism then you have to stop the inner abuse of yourself that is twisting everything into something that feels like criticism. You have to stop criticising yourself and being so harsh with yourself. You could look at Kristin Neff's website on
Self Compassion, she has free audio to download and a range of exercises you can use. Do it 20 times per day. I read her book it was most helpful to me. It is totally fine to feel what you are feeling. The challenge is to gradually stop overreacting to those feelings. I was there at the beginning of the year. I was having major dissociation and panic attacks - so I kept going to school and I kept ringing helplines afterwards to deal with the fallout. I just kept doing it. Now I can be physically and emotionally present some of the time in class. It is amazing. Never thought that was a possibility for me.
If you want to stop everything feeling like a criticism - you have to ask yourself how and why am I standing on my own neck right now? Then you need to not beat yourself up for beating yourself up - so Radical Acceptance.
Practice being grounded.
Work on
self soothing each and every day - write up a plan to incorporate into your daily life.
You are so talented and gifted that you have never really had to work hard at anything before - now you won't get better unless you actually do some work. Tough I know but there it is. You have to decide to do the work of recovery. Until you decide to do that and stop messing around with "I want this type of medication and not that type of medication" your PTSD will always be unstable. You always have a range of excuses, things to consider, flights of fancy, whimsical stuff - you never settle down to the basics and any time you look like heading in that direction you seem to sabotage yourself. You have to do the work of recovery. The only person who is going to stop your PTSD from being unstable is yourself. Keeping away from life is not going to help you be stable - you have to live life whilst working on learning how to be stable.
Look at the franticworld website it has free audio to download for
Mindfulness exercises - even start with a three minute one three times per day. The Perth Meditation Centre has free audio to listen to try the shorter medications explained.
Do
DBT and then do it again and again. Once again free on the dbtselfhelp website - their instant mindfulness is inspired. I would suggest starting with
Radical Acceptance.
You have a beautiful mind and it is always going to come up with elaborate types of avoidance and procrastination - you will have to get on to that with
CBT - David Burns - do all the writing exercises. Look at helplessness and hopelessness sections and do that work. There is a thread on this forum
Name That Distorted Cognition (thought/perception) - name one distorted cognition each day.
Superbetter - join up with some people who do it every day and do it everyday.
Look at your
nutrition and eat each day properly.
Exercise to discharge that cortisol - start with 5 minutes in the morning and 5 minutes in the afternoon.
Write your own
recovery plan and work on it and adjust it every day. You fall off the horse - no need to beat yourself up - just start with the next self healing activity.
Work on your reactive attachment disorder stuff - and whatever you work out about this - please let me know - I am struggling with this one as well.
You need to stop hanging out with so many people with substance abuse issues and people who are enabling you to stay stuck in your stuff. You have to be kind and compassion with yourself and also stop all of the creative excuses and flights of fancy - great stuff for when you are grounded but if you are always spaced - you waste your creativity.
Perhaps stop hanging with people who are always out of it, who are sabotaging their own recovery or who enable your behaviours. If you want to get well then you need to hang around some well people and work on challenges or projects together.
Work on not becoming trapped in your ruminations and anxiety loops.
Lastly cut the crap - each day go out of the house for 1 minute 2 minutes etc and do self exposure.
Get a purpose in life and for God's sake use that creativity of yours for something substantial other than amusing the drunk, drugged or high people.
You will need to work hard on the self sabotage. This is a hard one for me. You will really need to address it on a therapeutic deep level.
Take what you want and leave the rest. You remind me of a much younger me - for God's sake don't waste thirty years of your life like I did because I had no guidance and no money for access to decent therapy or anyone who cared enough to give me guidance.
You will never have a conversation without starting shit and nearly breaking down until you actually do some substantial work on your recovery. You are most that creative enough to work out your own solutions. You are more than creative enough to stay stuck in this limbo for another 30 years.
What if you break down and cry? It will be no big deal unless you make it so. I have plenty of friends doing PhDs and Masters, who have over the years broken down and cried at the university. Life goes on - tissues are to be had and people move on. Some people are so in their own little worlds that they didn't notice the crying Masters and PhDs.
When you write up your timetable for university - schedule in all the
self care, self soothing, nutrition, DBT practice, CBT thought busting times, exercise, self compassion, SuperBetter, Mindfulness - you actually don't have a lot of time for meltdowns then as doing all that keeps you really busy! When you have routines, schedules, containment and regularity it will help stabilise your PTSD alot.
These things are what works for me - they may not be relevant to you and your recovery.
Due to your self hatred and inner harshness you will have a rugged time with Self Compassion at first - the backdraft thing. Your self hatred will bleed into your procrastination and flagellation - and your projection on to everyone else as being critical of you - it is to be expected, so kindness to yourself.
The fact that you created this thread speaks volumes on how far you have come and also bodes well on how far you will go. Keep reaching out and talking to everyone that you can.
All the Best,
ms spock
N.B be wary of the creativity of your self sabotage!
end post to another member
Some of the free resources that have helped me in my recovery.
Jane McGonigal: The game that can give you 10 extra years of life | TED Talk | TED.com
SuperBetter (see above video - it is a great thing - it is so easy to play)
My PTSD Forum (forum)
Mindfulness: Finding Peace in a Frantic World
Resources | Mindfulness: Finding Peace in a Frantic World (free to download)
Perth Meditation Centre | Meditation and Mindfulness Training Specialist in Perth
Link Removed (can listen for free)
The Mindful Way Through Anxiety
The Mindful Way Through Anxiety » Mindfulness Exercises (free to download)
The Mindful Way Through Depression (video) - Mindful
(youtube for the 8 Mindful Way Through Depression mindfulness videos all free)
youtube: Zindel Segal, Jon Kabat-Zinn. Mark Williams, John Tearsdale
David Burns (youtube talks all free)
Feeling Good
Self-Compassion
Self-Compassion Exercises by Dr. Kristin Neff (free to download)
http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/instant_mindfulness.html (can listen for free)
http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/
Also pain management
Exercise: Tai Chi, Chi Gong, Walking,
Trauma Therapy
Humour
Art
Socialising
Mindfulness groups in real time
Meditation groups in real time
Social Connection
Challenges
Being in Nature
Standing on my own two feet
Moving out of a flat in a dangerous area
Moving away from the area that my abuser lived in
Not seeing toxic family members.
Easing myself back into the world
Studying
Working on my healing
CBT
DBT
I read many books.
Breathing
Volunteering
Being honest
Taking small risks
Of course being on this forum as well!
