I Don't Fit In Anywhere

[Sideways]

You fit in as far as I'm concerned. I appreciate your contribution here, and I feel for you when you're in a bad place. I'm sorry you feel like you're on the outside, because you really aren't, not as far as I'm concerned.

Can I reflect something back to you? Recently in another thread, you decided that the OP had you on ignore because they didn't respond to your questions. In this thread though, you seem to have dismissed all of the people who have reached out to you, asked you for more insight, told you how important you are to their experience here.

Have you been able to let some of those compliments sink in? You don't feel like you fit in, but everyone else's experience of you is the opposite- you fit in and your posts are appreciated. Out of the succession of complimentary posts, you pulled out one comment, out of context, and the entire thread seems to have become something for you to use to beat yourself up with even more.

To be honest, that makes me feel like crap. There's nothing any of us can say that seems to be helpful, but we have all replied to try and connect with you, reassure you that you don't need to feel the way that you do, try and help you feel even just a little bit better. But you seem to feel worse instead of better. And I don't want to make you feel worse.

I wish I could make you feel better. But I get the feeling that if I compliment you, you're going to filter it out, or interpret my words to somehow beat yourself up with even more. And I want you to feel better, not worse.

I appreciate you. I read your posts and try and follow how your path is going and hope to see you feeling better about yourself. And I'm sorry if you don't believe that. I'm sorry if you filter out those words, because they're as honest as it gets.

 

[aut555]

I think l want to validate that EveHarrington felt dissed (for lack of better word) by a certain nameless post. What's not important to me is that it was or wasn't dissing her. More important is just validation of her actual feelings. That she felt that she had been acknowledged and she was able to move on to a better space and in doing so, felt more accepted, which by the way, was the whole reason of the post. Funny isn't it. :)

 

[EveHarrington]

I am writing from a triggered state. I do not feel I have a choice at this point. I was advised to step away because I was triggered and so I did that. However, I am now being told that I am ignoring all of the good stuff that people say, therefore I either let people believe these incorrect assumptions or I reply in a triggered state-----it's a no win situation and I don't want people to be mad at me based on misunderstandings.

I wrote this thread based on real world experiences but it's evolved into an online issue. I had an incident last night which made me feel that no matter what I do, I will never fit in with the real world. I am not isolating. I am going out and trying to interact with people. I went to a picnic where I only knew one person. I was ok until the effects of PTSD surfaced in conversation and I had to lie through my teeth as to not be branded a mental freak who is malingering. Yes, id be branded as malingering because when I dare to go out in public I make sure that my symptoms are in check. People would never in a million years believe that I have PTSD because I'm that good at hiding it. It's never about how much you've overcome. It's always about how deficient you are. I will never "catch up" so to speak. I only fit in if I lie through my teeth.

@Dana1010 hit the nail on the head. The worst part is knowing why people are left out/excluded. Not all people are the same but there is a lot of superficial stuff that goes on in relationships. My thoughts are a bit tangential but yes, I had an eye opening experience a few years ago that essentially killed my faith in people as a whole. I wish I could "unsee" what I saw, but I can't.



I am trying to accept the positive things that have been said. My intention wasn't to ignore them as I very much appreciate all of the support that I got but that seems to be the impression that I gave unfortunately.

 

[Sideways]

I'm sorry the picnic didn't go better for you, but it was great that you went at all. Please don't give up. It takes time to develop friendships that we can open up in. People will see you for the beautiful person that you are, just like we do here.

By the same token, don't put up with bs from idiots wih their head in the sand, you're worth more than that.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@EveHarrington Thanks for clarifying for me, that you do indeed reach out to others. I doubt that many people would know that I have PTSD if I didn't tell them, so I get where you are coming from on that front. Just yesterday I got in my car and drove 60 miles to go to a mall. The entire way there my anxiety was off the chart, and when I got there things didn't change, but I looked and acted just like everyone else, while inside I was screaming, "Get me the f*ck out of here and go home." On my way home, I almost stopped the car to take a tranquilizer, but I didn't.

I'm sorry you feel so shitty about people in general. I sort of get that, but I also know that there are good people in the world, because I know some of them.

Hang in there...

 

[rosey]

@EveHarrington Thanks for clarifying for me, that you do indeed reach out to others....

I seems we are all experts at hiding out symptoms.

It is worth remembering that all these people we look at and think are going about their day in a "normal" way could also being hiding behind a mask too.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@rosey I think that many of us are PROS at hiding our symptoms..... We have to be, because if we let lose and acted the way that we felt.... The world would put us away and throw away the key. Yes, we are pros at hiding what we feel and what we go through.

 

[aut555]

@EveHarrington strikes me as the voice of reason. She is the one saying " the emperor is wearing no clothes". We need more people like this.

 

[EveHarrington]

@EveHarrington I seem to remember that the first communication we had on here,...

You made a million and one assumptions and none of them had anything to do with me not feeling like I fit in anywhere in life. Your response wasn't even on topic. You just decided to tell a story about how when I joined you didn't like me. I stand by my initial response. I remember that initial altercation very well. I stood up for a new person who was being crapped on by an old member. This same old member crapped on me in my very first post in the exact same way. I won't name her but it's easy enough to look at my posting history and find my very first thread. The person I stood up for is gone, I do believe. You told me off and supported the old member. It was a matter of old members sticking by old members and putting new members in their place. This is bully mentality. And now that it has been brought to my attention that you do this sort of thing to other members, too, it seems my initial gut feelings were right. I don't appreciate backhanded compliments such as yours.