Can't figure out why i can't acknowledge good qualities

[EveHarrington]

I can't figure out why I can't acknowledge good qualities. I mean I know I don't think I have any because of the abuse but that doesn't help me change. Why is it the most vile feeling in the world to even consider that I'm not 100% evil? My skin crawls when I think about it. Cuz I really do think I am, and I'd actually be doing humanity a favor by taking myself out. I mean there are plenty of evil people in history. What if they took themselves out instead of causing mass destruction and suffering? The world would be a very different place today. I don't get it. It's just easier to say I'm bad, nothing good, end of story.

 

[Fadeaway]

Do you grow up in religion by any chance? I think that the whole "we are all sinners" can subconsciously be the root of such thinking.

 

[Friday]

It's just easier to say I'm bad, nothing good, end of story.

I tend to be pretty damn fond of simplicity, myself. Black and white is easy. Grey gets harder.

 

[rosey]

Firstly @EveHarrington you have plenty of great qualities that i have seen just from your listing on here. Honesty, compassion, articulation, openness, supportive to name a few.

Secondary i have struggled with this soooo much myself so know how painful and debilitating it can be.

Thirdly on a practical note this is what i have done to start helping myself on this. I have read up on and begun practicing self compassion. I have found being more gentle with myself has opened up space to find a few nice things about myself. Likewise keeping a gratitude log, writing one nice thing that happened during the day. Also trying to be positive about things in general. Has help to pick things out from within me. It is hard work and takes a long time to kick it, still a work in progress but i have started to notice a difference.

There are good qualities you just have to open your mind to see what everyone else can see. Ask people to list them and give them to you on a piece of paper. Having others say it could help.

 

[Stickler]

Eve, you are a good person.

Besides that, if you're going to commit mass murder, when were you planning on getting started?

I mean, you might want to buy a decent used backhoe first...I really hope you're thinking ahead!

 

[Intrepid]

I mean I know I don't think I have any because of the Abuse but that doesn't help me change.

Last year my therapist told me we can't deal with my past until I get a handle on my anxiety. Other therapists have told me the same thing but I ignored them. I was sure I had to get to the root to kill to prune the branches. However, I did what this therapist said and she turned out to be right. After that she pushed me to take compliments from others. I've actually been able to do it. This is the first time I've been able to respect the positive words others have for me.

I always believed that my fear and anxiety protected me. I believed that treating those who complemented me as liars would protect me. I needed these things because what was supposed to protect me didn't.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

My therapist gives me one, maybe two. I have that vile feeling of them but my homework is to reflect on them, think about them, research them, think more about them, if i can try to find them in my every day life, reflect more on them...etc...for a week, maybe two until i can start to see them and then given one maybe two more; rinse and repeat.

 

[trying2movefwd]

I FEEL that way too. Maybe challenge the thought....instead of thinking inside our selves we must think outside ourselves. What supports those thoughts? What opposes them? For instance, Im a bad evil person the reason is because I cause too much trouble and am just a burden to people.

Opposition: I have had other's tell me that I am not a bad person, they say I have helped them. Can evil ever be helpful? Hmm not in my definition. .the truth is although i have bad qualities I do actually care about others therefore i must not be as bad as i am thinking and feeling. ( i had to do this a few times this week myself). It takes time, but it is helpful @EveHarrington You help us. :) Evil could care less about anyone or anything. :) hope this helps, " take what you like and leave the rest".

 

[Silver.]

you have plenty of great qualities that i have seen just from your listing on here. Honesty, compassion, articulation, openness, supportive to name a few.

I agree with this. I wouldn't have to know you in the real world to see this, as these are things I see here when I read your posts.
Just imagine what qualities people could see that do know you out in the real world x

 

[joeylittle]

I know that for myself, when given a list of my 'good' qualities, I can easily disqualify them. I used to disqualify them by simply believing that the person didn't really know me. Then, I evolved (?) to writing them off because they were just what I'd call 'baseline human'.

Like, in my value system it's just baseline human to be as honest as you can, say what you mean, help a person in the moment if they need it...it's all under the heading called 'not being an asshole'.

This allows me the power to basically discount anything positive anyone could say about me, ever. I did a good job? Well, it was just doing my job. It was nice of me to do (fill-in-the-blank)? No, any non-asshole would have done that. So, I'm not yet able to really sit with any positives. But, I've gotten past consistently believing that I'm actually a monster - grotesque, disgusting, horrible. (still comes back on bad days, but it's limited to the bad days. Is not helped by hating my body so much)

The best I can offer is, I understand how incredibly hard it is. From my experience, I'd suggest that step one might be moving yourself past believing you are bad, just to believing that you are neutral, overall. I used to physically shudder, wave my hands, flinch, get nauseous, cover my face whenever someone said something positive about my qualities. Because I had such an extreme physical reaction, I could work just on that - so, hearing my therapist say that I was kind, and feeling that flinchy-crawly feeling, and instead of letting it race through my body, focusing on taking even breaths and just sitting calmly until my heart slowed down.

Can you notice if you have a physical reaction, whether you hear it from someone else or say it to yourself, and instead of countering the thought, work on the reaction? I can honestly say that just countering the thought was not strong enough for me, but changing my physical response was something I could do.

My heart sometimes still speeds up, and sometimes I still have a small flinch, but mostly, I'm in control of it. Now, how to get further than this, I do not know.

 

[Tinyflame]

No, any non-asshole would have done that

you have a physical reaction.. when you say it to yourself,

This is so me, too, .exactly.

 

[Abstract]

It used to be that one of the most uncomfortable experiences ever was to have anyone say something nice about me. It would be fairly dangerous at times as something in me would want to rectify any potential self esteem with vengeance. And it seemed to unbalance my whole world in some fundamental and painful way.

I've tried to analyse mine over the years and I find it so difficult to do. I've looked at all the theory too. All I can say is that my trauma symptoms have dropped in the last 6 months at times and there have been times when that deep visceral self disgust and hatred has lessened too. And that for the first time ever has actually made me believe (at times) that it might be a symptom rather than something else.

I think abusers use us a dumping ground for their toxic hatred rage and contempt and we then take on their job as our own but still against ourselves. And maybe we need to try to make sense of what has happened to us and gain power by seeing us as bad and toxic. If we aren't then maybe we had no role to play and were vulnerable. Maybe all we were told and shown was false.

The best success I have had is to almost accept the self hatred but to see it as a symptom. In other words to acknolkedaege thats how I feel but not feel obliged to believe it is the truth. With that too I have decided to take others good thoughts of me as a dose of horrible tasting medicine. Something that is very disturbing but that is probably doing me good. What you don't want to do is to turn it against the person saying those nice things. It isn't fair to displace our self rage onto others and dismiss their own truth.