Relationship My Boyfriend Won't Open Up To Me

[Penny lane]

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 6 years and have a very strong loving relationship. We both have had anxiety problems, his specifically manifesting as PTSD. As time passes though, my anxiety has become easier to manage, while his has become worse. He has told me that there is a series of events that is the root cause of his PTSD, and has told me it happened years ago while he was a teen. Other than that he won't tell me what happened to him. I have done my research and I know I'm not supposed to pressure him to tell me what happened, but it's like I can feel how much he wants to tell me, he is just afraid to. I feel like if he tells me, he'll feel less alone, but he doesn't want to frighten or traumatize me. He refuses to go to therapy right now but has joined an online support group at my urging. Its effecting his mood and temperament as well as his stress level but he gets in these phases where he just refuses to deal with it, decides he hates life and gives up for a while. I guess my question is where do I go from here? I know I should leave him alone and support him as best I can but I feel myself pushing now more than ever. All I want to do is take his pain away. Also as selfish as it sounds, I really want to know what happened. I hate that he is keeping this secret from me as I feel like he's doesn't trust me with it.

 

[Casey_03]

I have done my research and I know I'm not supposed to pressure him to tell me what happened, but it's like I can feel how much he wants to tell me, he is just afraid to.

What are the signs that he wants to tell you? I'm just thinking that if he really does want to tell you, maybe there is some roundabout way he can do so -- like writing about whatever happened in the third person and then letting you read it. Something like that, that would allow him to not tell you directly but still let you know. But I guess it depends on what sort of clues he's giving you that he really does want to tell you.

 

[Penny lane]

What are the signs that he wants to tell you? I'm just thinking that if he really does want to tell yo...

He's told me things leading up to the actual event, he was in search and rescue and told me it has to do with that, given me little clues about the timeline and background, as well as telling me that he really does want to tell me, he just feels afraid. I'm not sure if he's afraid of what I'll think or how I would react? I would never judge him though. Thank you for the suggestion, the letter is a great idea I never would have thought of.

 

[Tinyflame]

He is telling you slowly, then.

Can you help him reduce the anxiety in general (what worked for you, maybe he can try?). Because you said, it's fear.

 

[The ANP]

One of the effects of trauma is that story is separate from the person. Think of it as less about you and more about him. Maybe he can't fully tell the story yet to himself or you. It has taken me17 years and it is still fleshing itself out. There is huge value in having another person willing to listen and take time. You are that. It's awesome. Therapy got me there. In therapy it's less scary, maybe gently encourage that and respect that process. We all need a safe place to land. If you can be that he's lucky. It may not happen I your schedule though.

 

[Friday]

Telling people the details of trauma is usually more painful, not less. And it usually makes symptoms far worse, not better.

Telling someone who has never experienced what you're experienced? Tends to make someone feel more alone, not less.

I know that runs contrary to a lot of instincts.

 

[Penny lane]

Thank you so much for your replies. I'm going to support him by being there for him and let him offer up as much or as little as he wants. As you've said it's his process and hopefully I can help make it a bit less painful. Thank you again everyone <3

 

[Justmehere]

It has incredibly derailed me to tell therapists, trained professionals, before I was ready. It has undone me when I told others before I was ready. Some I have not told and will never tell. In many cases, it has nothing to do with the other person.

Let him pick not only when to tell you, but if he will tell you. He has a support group now and hopefully he is beginning to connect with others with similar trauma and beginning to feel less alone.

It might also make symptoms worse if he begins to feel less alone. The walls may come start coming down and he's probably going to struggle without support to learn ways to cope with what he is trying to keep under wraps.

A friend once told me: never tear down a fence unless you know all the reasons why it was put up.

I think this is especially true when it comes to someone else's fence. Let him choose when to put it up and take it down, and if and where and when there will be any gates in that fence.

But don't stop there, work on your fences and gates. I personally find it hard to not take on other's anxiety - and I have had to do a lot of work on having stronger internal and external boundaries so I could really be there for others more in their pain.

It's great you encouraged him to join a support group. Keep doing the same for you too. Keep your fences and gates well maintained - when you feel anxious for him and don't know what to do, keep reaching out. It's so great he has told you what he had and that may be a sign of how much he actually does trust you.

I wish we had more supporters in the world who are as thoughtful and compassionate and as kind as you are. :hug:

 

[Penny lane]

thank you so much for your kind words and advice :)