Sexual Assault How To Tell If A Man You Know Could Rape You.

[Sideways]

By definition, I think that rape is a dominating act, or a "form" of domination. The perp has dominated the vic and the autonomy she has over her own body (please excuse the gendered language, it's easier and not intended to dismiss cases where the roles are reversed). In that sense, I can understand why people say that "rape is about dominance".

But I find that step, from rape being a 'form' of dominance, to rape being 'about' dominance, confusing and misleading, because it is too easily interpreted as 'the motivation for rape is always dominance.' And I don't agree there. I think that there are often situations where the perp is motivated by sex, and in ignoring the vic's lack of consent, commits an act of dominance by raping her. But the underlying motivation is often just sex, not "I want to dominate". Submissive fellas commit rape too.

There's too many situations where the vic tries to communicate that she doesn't want sex, and the guy pushes ahead, sometimes without malice, by simply disregarding or misinterpreting the way the vic has tried to communicate.

And rape is sex "without consent", which means that even if the vic isn't communicating "No", it may still be rape if she isn't in her mind, communicating "Yes". Rape is "sex without consent", not "sex without consent as long as you communicated your boundaries and state of mind clearly and effectively". Proving his criminal liabilty may make that relevant, but beyond that, it's still rape, even if she was a lousy communicator.

I think the fact that rape can occur without any malicious intent is often disregarded, and the reality that sometimes, the guy just wants sex. Maybe he's too drunk or speaks a different language or misinterprets her body language. Cases where he hasn't given proper regard for her state of mind, but never intended to dominate her, can still amount to rape. And yes, you can really scare the shite out of some guys by explaining to them, "Do you realise you raped your girlf the other night, because she didn't share your enthusiasm and you just didn't think??"

It's complex. But in essence, I think rape is a dominating act, but sometimes motivated by other things, and just wanting to get laid right now is too often one of those motivations.

 

[Sighs]

I think part of the problem is culturally young men expect to have to "persuade" women to have sex. So how do they do that? And at what point does persuasion become coercion? They expect some resistance. So how do women clearly articulate their wishes?

Someone made an excellent video about consent using the analogy of a cup of tea - if someone says they don't want tea don't make them tea - if someone is unconscious you don't poir tea down their throat, etc.

It's a complex issue but I do believe there are (at least) 2 categories of rape - those where the rapist fully understands what they are inflicting on the victim and enjoys that aspect of it and those where the rapist is not really thinking of the victim at all - just themselves.

 

[PointlessExistence]

The point I made is that the rapist isn't always motivated by dominance. I'll use stealing as an analogy. Some people get off on the thrill of having stolen something. Others steal solely because they want the item in question. Likewise a rapist can be motivated by the act of rape or he can be motivated by the object in question, which in this case is the woman.

 

[shimmerz]

So how can you have someone force themselves on another person, and not have it be a form of dominance?

When babies and small children are involved.

 

[Silver.]

what about date rape? don't really need force with someone who isn't aware of what is going on and totally compliant

 

[LostGentleman]

While I understand your point of view, most experts will disagree with you. Rape is about inflicting the...

Can you agree that some rapists did it for dominance, while others did it because they were aroused and wanted immediate release (their brain being unable to set the NO which would stop the action.), and some other rapists having a mix of both desire to dominate and arousal they can't tame?

:unsure:

 

[Gs172003]

I don't agree that rape is never about sex. Sometimes it is; sometimes it isn't. It affects...

Agreed. How powerful can a man doing that crap to an unconscious woman feel?

The point I made is that the rapist isn't always motivated by dominance. I'll use stealing a...

Again agreed. Men like this don't see a woman. They see an object.

 

[Flip flop]

Disclaimers: I am a man but I am not anti-male. I am, however, 100% anti-rape...in all circumstances. I...

Thank you for posting this!
It saddens me to see how much negative feedback your post is receiving, but I agree with your post 100%.
In this nasty world, we have to do what we can to look out for ourselves. That is not victim-blaming. I wish I had had the checklist you posted for the last twenty years!
Bless you!

 

[Flip flop]

I have not noticed any posts acknowledging male predators who sexually assault other males, with the exception of someone mentioning the sexual abuse of children.

Three male acquaintances of mine told me of sexual assaults at the hands of other males as adults.

I am concerned that no mention has yet been made in this thread of male victims of male sexual predators.

Why is there an apparent assumption that the only dynamic of sex crimes against men are perpetrated by females?????

Maybe I have inadvertently overlooked something in this thread, but I find it quite disturbing that no acknowledgement has been made regarding sexual predation by adult males against other adult males.

 

[Casey_03]

@Flip flop I don't think there's any assumption at all. Most people who responded here were speaking from personal experience. The fact that no one chimed in to mention man on man rape doesn't mean everyone assumes it doesn't exist. Now that you have mentioned it, I'm sure others will discuss it.

 

[Flip flop]

I certainly hope you are correct.

 

[void]

Thank you for posting this!
It saddens me to see how much negative feedback your post is receiving,...

Thank you, @Flip flop for your kindness.

There is only ever one person at fault in a rape, and it is the person who violates the will of the victim. No one chooses to be raped. It is NEVER the victim fault. I do not blame any victim of this despicable act.

I have chosen to remain largely silent about the negative feedback, because the complex undercurrents that motivate such comments can come from a place of deep pain and anger. Out of respect, I let them stand on their own merit. As I stated in the disclaimer, I am not saying that my view is right or that it is the only view. In fact, this thread exemplifies the reality that this issue is regarded in many complex and even contradictory ways.

Our individual views of rape and the reactions to my post are affected by personal knowledge and experience, cultural background, familial milieu, schemata and many other conscious and subconscious factors. I cannot possibly understand the fullness of the perspectives of those who have replied to this thread, nor can they be expected to fully understand mine.

When I have a strong reaction to any post or thread on this site, I try(and sometimes fail) to understand my reaction and the intensity of it. Many other do this as well, but there may be some individuals who choose not to. There are some that have misunderstood my intentions which is very unfortunate.

If even one person, takes a hard look at males in their life, and examines how that man is treating them, this exercise will be worth it. There can be warning signs.....seeing them in hindsight is all well and good, but I hope that someone could see the potential in advance and prevent the unthinkable. Our behavior is what we can control, we cannot control the behavior of the potential rapist.

May you all be free from inner and outer harm.