Sufferer Cptsd. professional with unfinished business; guardian ad litem, investigator, child advocate.

[Cabinfever]

I was formally diagnosed with PTSD (of the complex variety) around 1 year ago. I went out of my way to find myself a trauma-informed therapist after many years of taking whatever help I could find. Makes all the difference in the world.
I am 29 years old, but it doesn't feel like it. I feel like I take one step forward, only to take two steps back.
Being in therapy seems to make everything so much worse, but it is what it is. You have to go through it to overcome it. No way out.

When I read about complex ptsd, I feel connected to this larger world of trauma and abuse survivors, yet still totally alone. In one part of my brain, I know the diagnosis is right. In another part of my brain I will deny to the end of time that what I experienced was abuse. In fact, if you catch me in the right moment I will argue that I was just born wrong, biologically, pathologically ill, too weak, NOT resilient etc...

It's a really weird place for the 'professional' me to be, stuck between acceptance and denial. I'm supposed to think clearly. I'm supposed to have the answers. Most of the time, I do...as long as those answers concern other people who are not me. I have often thought that 'hypocrite' was the perfect adjective to describe my general life dysfunction. I know the answer... but I don't know the answer. The head doesn't communicate with the heart anymore.

I'm a good example of a 'try-hard'. I work with children in the foster care system as a guardian ad litem. I also run a detective agency which specializes in finding missing persons. I also work full time for a non-profit organization, providing counseling and direct support to individuals who experience disabilities. I also volunteer for my communities public health organization as a trainer on Adverse Childhood Experiences & Resiliency. I also spoke at, I also volunteered for, I also over-extended myself to blah blah blah...
I keep myself busy so that I don't have to remember. When you work 6am to midnight every day, there's not a lot of room to think, or sleep.

So basically I'm the worse kind of patient, a professional with unfinished business. I know enough to thwart my own efforts to heal. My defense mechanisms are ample and active. I need peers to keep me stay on point and keep me honest. So, here I am.

 

[Joan]

Welcome to the forum. I hope that you find the support you need here. Kudos for reaching out.

 

[RavenGirl]

Welcome to the forum, I'm glad you found us but sorry you have to be here. So many of us are or were in denial of our diagnosis at first as no one wants to admit they are "broken or needs that type of help." We all want to think we're strong enough to deal with what happened to us and that it didn't phase us one bit.
I waited 35 years before I finally admitted I needed help. I did the same thing by keeping busy from dusk till dawn, until I was so tired I fell into bed, but still couldn't get a good night's sleep. All that did was postpone the enevitable. It all catches up to us at some time...

It takes a while to come to terms with everything. When you do start to understand why and are able to work on the past, things start to turn around for you and that is a beautiful thing. I wish you nothing but the best of luck on your road to recovery. I hope you find the support here as helpful as I have. :tup::hug:

 

[ladee]

We know we aren't ok. But have a hard time accepting we are PTSD not ok. Sounds awful serious doesn't it?
In many ways I was relieved all the craziness had an alphbet soup label.
When we are very high functioning, especially to the outside world it does make for some confusion.
Glad you are here. You will find many that feel and think like you do. Helps to know we are not alone.
Glad you are on this journey with us. Gentle hugs if you accept.

 

[intothelight]

@Cabinfever Welcome to the forum!

Being in therapy seems to make everything so much worse, but it is what it is.

It is very true that it does get worse before it gets better and it is important to allow yourself recovery times between sessions as that is part of the processing.

I need peers to keep me stay on point and keep me honest. So, here I am.

The support here is great and it is good to set goals and hold yourself accountable here. I understand the "busy" as I was a single parent to four children, VP of a company, chairperson for a committee, Scout leader, coach, Sunday school teacher, kept a clean house and yard, and a triathlete....then came the crash and burn and it was spectacular. Unfortunately, I ended up not only hurting myself but those around me I thought I was protecting and serving. By putting myself last, I ended up hurting those I put first. So take time and heal as it will make you better and better for those you care about in the long run.

 

[desiderata310]

It's a really weird place for the 'professional' me to be, stuck between acceptance and denial.

yep. Even the "professionals" aren't immune. (Yeah I read your post over in another part of the forum so I came here to check you out.)

One thing I am learning from my spot on the 'couch' is that most therapists (LCSW or other mental health professionals), get into that line of work because of some sort of dysfunction that they are trying to work through (either that they have some sort of messiah complex or maybe they watched too much Frasier growing up and it warped them.) I always take that little tid bit with me when I walk into a session. It helps me keep things in perspective.

I honestly hope it helps you, too.

You might be the 'worst kind of patient' if you have an idiot imp for a therapist. Hope you found one who can handle you since you can already read through the therapy bullshit. Keep looking if you have someone who can't handle you. The good ones that will take BS from you and give it back? they exist. They do. They're kind of like unicorns but they are out there.

You're probably right, this is going to be harder for you in some ways. Not just because of all the above reasons but also because of your type A personality. You're certainly not the first persons to run themselves into the ground to try to drown out the screaming misery of their past and justify their existence. I think that might actually be the definition of Type A.

I don't know where you are in your 'healing' but since you're a year in... I dunno... I have to say I'm in year 3 and it suck balls. Never before in my life have I done so much navel gazing. This is exhausting, time consuming and emotionally taxing even if you're half-assing it and you don't impress me as someone who half-asses anything.

Oh yeah... and the cognitive dissonance that goes along with denial sucks. It really f*cking sucks. Let me know how to get past that one if you figure it out. The next time MY therapist tells me to 'relax into' something and 'accept it', I may very well punch him in the gonads. It f*cking pisses me off. I don't do "relax" I am more of a fight/kick/scream/punch my way through shit. And while I understand diagnostically I fit the criteria for PTSD, I do NOT believe I have PTSD. yes, even as I sit here on a PTSD website. Now that's cognitive dissonance.

So.. I know this is not the usual kind of "welcome to the forum" post that happens around here but I hope you can appreciate this well intentioned, realist's greeting. If what else I've read by you here so far is any indication, I think I might escape offending you with my response. (and if I have offended, well, that wasn't my intention)

And yes, there are plenty of people to call you on your BS if that's what you want and need.

My best suggestion: start a trauma diary in the member's section. It helps. Like, it feels a little weird at first but it helps.

Oh and one other thing. Depending on where in the professional realm you work (i.e. if you see clients as a therapist) HAVING this shit, and being able to relate to what it's actually LIKE to have the symptoms could actually work in your favor. What I would find hypocritical would be a doctor trying to pass themselves off as perfectly healthy when in fact I could see a bone sticking out of his arm.

Same goes for therapist. My therapist admitted to me that what he struggles with PTSD (after prodding because I was pissed and busy challenging him with everything)and gave me a glimpse into his past. What it did was lend him credibility that he could understand and help me with this shit.

So drop the hypocrite label. We all know that medical professionals 'practice' anyway. It's ok. DON'T have all the answers all the damn time. Be a damn human. Actually, it's encouraged.

Oh and Welcome to MyPTSD. Sorry you're here.