S
Sophia123
Recently, actually the trigger happened 5 months ago, my friend dumped me. The reasons given to me was that,
1) I am arrogant/cocky, incidence she stated was me comparing test scores when other people in class did very badly.
2) I have a lot of people gossiping behind me, and it is really awful gossip.
I remember crying over that and I decided to see a counselor. I went for 3 sessions, didn't want to go again because I find the counselor to be rather "useless" because when I asked for help to solve my problem of being unable to socialist with other people well and lacking self-awareness, I was told to ignore instead. I don't want to ignore those hurtful comments. I recognized that it hurts and affect me very deeply and I promised myself refuse to suppress those emotions again.
After the incident, which I tried to solve by seeing the counselor (didn't work), I begin to feel very angry at people. It builds up really slowly in me - I begin to see the world as a very unjust world. I have a friend, A, a very nice male friend of mine, who got mercilessly picked on by other guys in School B. (I have graduated from school B 2 years ago). They would pick on him by - calling him awful names, making fun of his dietary choices (he was a vegan), etc, "You go MacDonald for what?!" Hey (me) You know A go MacDonald, he buy burger but tell the person no patty! He literally ate the lettuce only! He waste his parents money!" To add on to my anger, the school did nothing effective to help him except to give the bullies some stern words.
I have been a victim of bullying myself, and I had a particularly turbulent period when I was 11 and 12. Everyone in class hated me, no one came to my rescue when I was physically assaulted by 3 boys (2 of them got the cane). My parents were divorcing at that time too, it was extremely ugly. I do not want to go into the details.
However, due the leadership change in the school, there was a lot of opposition from the new principal about caning the boys because it will ruined their lives.
There, I begin to think. WHAT ABOUT MY LIFE?! I still have nightmares and awful flashbacks (thinking I was the names they called me, even the incident were more than 5 years ago. ) and I am still carrying a lot of emotional baggage with me. I tried to cope with this by just lying in my bed all day long because my heart wouldn't stop racing and my mind keeps on rewinding the emotions over and over and over and over and over again. Sometimes, I wonder if I will die of a cardiac arrest because of the amount of stress I am giving to my heart and I just want to cut open my chest to start pumping it manually.
I stop talking about this 3 years ago because someone accused me of seeking attention and told me that bullying is part and parcel of growing up. I have never told him (or anyone) about the incident that happened in school - which I was cornered and physically assaulted. I WAS ASSAULTED. It had been going on for a long time, it was only this serious incident that broke the camel's back. It is very difficult for me to recall the events because it still brings me tremendous amount of pain.
Nobody believes me when I tell them that I am angry/sad/in distress because I smile all the time. This is the most saddening part because when I was growing up, I was not allowed to cry or get angry because my Dad says it is "inauspicious" and I was forced to smile all the time, even if something upsets me.
How should I cope with this?
Oh, I am not diagnosed with anything. The stigma is too heavy to bear. I am tired of being stigmatized. I hate labels. In the place I live in, I have to declared and employers are allowed to not hire me just because.
1) I am arrogant/cocky, incidence she stated was me comparing test scores when other people in class did very badly.
2) I have a lot of people gossiping behind me, and it is really awful gossip.
I remember crying over that and I decided to see a counselor. I went for 3 sessions, didn't want to go again because I find the counselor to be rather "useless" because when I asked for help to solve my problem of being unable to socialist with other people well and lacking self-awareness, I was told to ignore instead. I don't want to ignore those hurtful comments. I recognized that it hurts and affect me very deeply and I promised myself refuse to suppress those emotions again.
After the incident, which I tried to solve by seeing the counselor (didn't work), I begin to feel very angry at people. It builds up really slowly in me - I begin to see the world as a very unjust world. I have a friend, A, a very nice male friend of mine, who got mercilessly picked on by other guys in School B. (I have graduated from school B 2 years ago). They would pick on him by - calling him awful names, making fun of his dietary choices (he was a vegan), etc, "You go MacDonald for what?!" Hey (me) You know A go MacDonald, he buy burger but tell the person no patty! He literally ate the lettuce only! He waste his parents money!" To add on to my anger, the school did nothing effective to help him except to give the bullies some stern words.
I have been a victim of bullying myself, and I had a particularly turbulent period when I was 11 and 12. Everyone in class hated me, no one came to my rescue when I was physically assaulted by 3 boys (2 of them got the cane). My parents were divorcing at that time too, it was extremely ugly. I do not want to go into the details.
However, due the leadership change in the school, there was a lot of opposition from the new principal about caning the boys because it will ruined their lives.
There, I begin to think. WHAT ABOUT MY LIFE?! I still have nightmares and awful flashbacks (thinking I was the names they called me, even the incident were more than 5 years ago. ) and I am still carrying a lot of emotional baggage with me. I tried to cope with this by just lying in my bed all day long because my heart wouldn't stop racing and my mind keeps on rewinding the emotions over and over and over and over and over again. Sometimes, I wonder if I will die of a cardiac arrest because of the amount of stress I am giving to my heart and I just want to cut open my chest to start pumping it manually.
I stop talking about this 3 years ago because someone accused me of seeking attention and told me that bullying is part and parcel of growing up. I have never told him (or anyone) about the incident that happened in school - which I was cornered and physically assaulted. I WAS ASSAULTED. It had been going on for a long time, it was only this serious incident that broke the camel's back. It is very difficult for me to recall the events because it still brings me tremendous amount of pain.
Nobody believes me when I tell them that I am angry/sad/in distress because I smile all the time. This is the most saddening part because when I was growing up, I was not allowed to cry or get angry because my Dad says it is "inauspicious" and I was forced to smile all the time, even if something upsets me.
How should I cope with this?
Oh, I am not diagnosed with anything. The stigma is too heavy to bear. I am tired of being stigmatized. I hate labels. In the place I live in, I have to declared and employers are allowed to not hire me just because.
