I just read this entire thread (Husband Of Ptsd Wife Needs Guidance) and a wave of emotion overcame me, for the first time I feel like I've been able to truly pin-point exactly what's going on, validate some of my feelings, that it happens to others, and that there are many out there who get overly consumed by the struggles of being a supporter who isn't appreciated in the least for what they are doing.
A bit about my situation: 16 years ago I met the most beautiful woman I have ever met...to this day, I still have yet to meet a woman as beautiful, funny and intelligent as she is. Around 11 years ago, we married, a few years later, 2 boys, then about 18 months ago, through a number of very stressful life events, stressful jobs, family pet dying, school issues with the kids and a few other bad luck items thrown in, "C" developed a deep Depression and Anxiety that caused her, among other things, to adopt unhealthy eating obsession. The situation turned worse, and she ended up needing treatment for a condition resulting from the obsession. she checked in to an inpatient facility for 2 weeks in order to treat the symptoms. it was me and the boys for those 2 weeks, I had to lie to them about where their mom was, but I was 100% behind her the whole time, compassionate, attempting to understand; I was going to be there for her and help her through the therapy and the resulting strick eating routines that the doctors prescribed afterward, when she came home. This was about 6 months ago, and since that event, things around the house between us have gotten very cold, emotionless and dark. I was sure it was the depression anxiety, etc, I encouraged her to change up meds, find another therapist, etc. meanwhile, the complete void in emotion has started taking its toll on me, and a lesser degree, the boys. Where 2 years ago we'd have sex maybe twice a week, now we haven't had sex for almost 2 months, and the last time we did, it made me feel like a pervert, as she had no interest, energy, love, affection or emotion in the (10 minute) roll in the hay. it was a month before that that she gave me "sympathy" sex, where I felt a spark of emotion from her during… it was like a dried up lake had been flooded with cool, clear pure spring water and my emotional buckets were able to refill like they hadn’t in months. Around the same time we started attending couples therapy, and through her therapist talking with our joint therapist, was able to learn that an event in her early dating years, was an underlying issue driving nearly all of the behaviors. At 16, her second boyfriend raped her, just after an unrelated but very traumatic and potentially disfiguring car accident. She had been very open about the car accident, but never mentioned the abusive boyfriend to me, until around this same time recently. She has since been diagnosed with PTSD from the event, and our joint therapist noted that while we had a healthy sex and mostly normal emotional relationship since, the eating disorder among other life events triggered the PTSD after lying (mostly) dormant for nearly a decade. We’re not sure when it was retriggered, but it was likely around 18 months ago. Since then, nearly all emotion, compassion, empathy and even acknowledgement of my presence has been absent from her soul. The once daily morning hugs, kisses goodnight, squeezing of the hands in bed at night all disappeared. No more texts during the day “ how are you doing”, no more “let’s snuggle up and watch a movie”. Its broken my heart so deeply that I’ve decided to remove myself from the bedroom, I’ve been sleeping in the guest bedroom for the last 6 weeks or so. We no longer touch at all, there is no intimacy whatsoever in the home between she and I. I got jealous the other day when she gave a hug to a female neighbor she hadn’t seen in a few weeks, I asked her how she could so easily hug the neighbor, but couldn’t manage a hug for her husband. In therapy both me and the therapist ask her if she still loves me, and she says, “deep down, I do”. Unfortunately actions speak louder than words. The whole PTSD revelation is relatively new in our recent struggles, and I am coping with the news horribly (from my perspective). I am resentful, irritable, demoralized, frustrated one minute, the next minute I’m empathetic, compassionate and ready to “do what ever it takes” to save the relationship. I want nothing more than to get the “C” back that I once knew, reading books, attending individual therapy, whatever I need to do, I’ll do it. Problem is, whenever I offer it to her, the only response is “ I just need time”. I resort to begging for hugs here and there, begging for some insights to “ what should I expect in the coming weeks”? No answers unfortunately, and I find myself obsessing over the situation on my way to work, at work and on the way home from work. Then, once the kids are in bed, I obsess over it while on the internet. Do I just resign to the fact that she no longer loves me and call it quits? Tuck my balls up under my belt and tough it out, be patient? 12-18 months doesn’t seem like a long time to some people outside the situation who are giving me advise, but its hard for those to understand that when someone you spend so much energy loving, provides sheer apathy in response, but then commits to “love, somewhere deep down” verbally, it tears you up inside.
Anyway, regret the novel post here, but its been therapeutic to write. For those that might be going through similar situations, may I ask:
- Even if the abuse was purely sexual (where I understand the aversion to affection and intimacy), does the PTSD affect subconscious compassion and love as well for simple, non-intimate things like "let's take a walk, or how was your big meeting at work"?
- Is it possible to get the “love” back, does time and good therapy “heal” the heart?
- Are the chances for occasional mutually enjoyable sexual encounters possible again?
- Should I draw closer to her? Separate myself? Try to talk about it with her? Pretend as though nothing is wrong?
I’m just so lost in how to deal with the situation, I want her to be healthy again so bad, but I’m starting to feel the compassion fatigue mentioned elsewhere in the forums.
Apologies again for the ramble, thanks for any insights at all that might be out there, even if “yep dude, you have gone crazy” cause that’s how I feel from time to time.
-J
A bit about my situation: 16 years ago I met the most beautiful woman I have ever met...to this day, I still have yet to meet a woman as beautiful, funny and intelligent as she is. Around 11 years ago, we married, a few years later, 2 boys, then about 18 months ago, through a number of very stressful life events, stressful jobs, family pet dying, school issues with the kids and a few other bad luck items thrown in, "C" developed a deep Depression and Anxiety that caused her, among other things, to adopt unhealthy eating obsession. The situation turned worse, and she ended up needing treatment for a condition resulting from the obsession. she checked in to an inpatient facility for 2 weeks in order to treat the symptoms. it was me and the boys for those 2 weeks, I had to lie to them about where their mom was, but I was 100% behind her the whole time, compassionate, attempting to understand; I was going to be there for her and help her through the therapy and the resulting strick eating routines that the doctors prescribed afterward, when she came home. This was about 6 months ago, and since that event, things around the house between us have gotten very cold, emotionless and dark. I was sure it was the depression anxiety, etc, I encouraged her to change up meds, find another therapist, etc. meanwhile, the complete void in emotion has started taking its toll on me, and a lesser degree, the boys. Where 2 years ago we'd have sex maybe twice a week, now we haven't had sex for almost 2 months, and the last time we did, it made me feel like a pervert, as she had no interest, energy, love, affection or emotion in the (10 minute) roll in the hay. it was a month before that that she gave me "sympathy" sex, where I felt a spark of emotion from her during… it was like a dried up lake had been flooded with cool, clear pure spring water and my emotional buckets were able to refill like they hadn’t in months. Around the same time we started attending couples therapy, and through her therapist talking with our joint therapist, was able to learn that an event in her early dating years, was an underlying issue driving nearly all of the behaviors. At 16, her second boyfriend raped her, just after an unrelated but very traumatic and potentially disfiguring car accident. She had been very open about the car accident, but never mentioned the abusive boyfriend to me, until around this same time recently. She has since been diagnosed with PTSD from the event, and our joint therapist noted that while we had a healthy sex and mostly normal emotional relationship since, the eating disorder among other life events triggered the PTSD after lying (mostly) dormant for nearly a decade. We’re not sure when it was retriggered, but it was likely around 18 months ago. Since then, nearly all emotion, compassion, empathy and even acknowledgement of my presence has been absent from her soul. The once daily morning hugs, kisses goodnight, squeezing of the hands in bed at night all disappeared. No more texts during the day “ how are you doing”, no more “let’s snuggle up and watch a movie”. Its broken my heart so deeply that I’ve decided to remove myself from the bedroom, I’ve been sleeping in the guest bedroom for the last 6 weeks or so. We no longer touch at all, there is no intimacy whatsoever in the home between she and I. I got jealous the other day when she gave a hug to a female neighbor she hadn’t seen in a few weeks, I asked her how she could so easily hug the neighbor, but couldn’t manage a hug for her husband. In therapy both me and the therapist ask her if she still loves me, and she says, “deep down, I do”. Unfortunately actions speak louder than words. The whole PTSD revelation is relatively new in our recent struggles, and I am coping with the news horribly (from my perspective). I am resentful, irritable, demoralized, frustrated one minute, the next minute I’m empathetic, compassionate and ready to “do what ever it takes” to save the relationship. I want nothing more than to get the “C” back that I once knew, reading books, attending individual therapy, whatever I need to do, I’ll do it. Problem is, whenever I offer it to her, the only response is “ I just need time”. I resort to begging for hugs here and there, begging for some insights to “ what should I expect in the coming weeks”? No answers unfortunately, and I find myself obsessing over the situation on my way to work, at work and on the way home from work. Then, once the kids are in bed, I obsess over it while on the internet. Do I just resign to the fact that she no longer loves me and call it quits? Tuck my balls up under my belt and tough it out, be patient? 12-18 months doesn’t seem like a long time to some people outside the situation who are giving me advise, but its hard for those to understand that when someone you spend so much energy loving, provides sheer apathy in response, but then commits to “love, somewhere deep down” verbally, it tears you up inside.
Anyway, regret the novel post here, but its been therapeutic to write. For those that might be going through similar situations, may I ask:
- Even if the abuse was purely sexual (where I understand the aversion to affection and intimacy), does the PTSD affect subconscious compassion and love as well for simple, non-intimate things like "let's take a walk, or how was your big meeting at work"?
- Is it possible to get the “love” back, does time and good therapy “heal” the heart?
- Are the chances for occasional mutually enjoyable sexual encounters possible again?
- Should I draw closer to her? Separate myself? Try to talk about it with her? Pretend as though nothing is wrong?
I’m just so lost in how to deal with the situation, I want her to be healthy again so bad, but I’m starting to feel the compassion fatigue mentioned elsewhere in the forums.
Apologies again for the ramble, thanks for any insights at all that might be out there, even if “yep dude, you have gone crazy” cause that’s how I feel from time to time.
-J
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