My Flashbacks And Disassociation

[Pixielicious]

It's hard to describe this because I'm inside this, but I'm going to give it a go...
Before I enter into a flashback mode, I get a warning, alarm bells ringing type of feeling... Kind of a ⚠feeling....A panic feeling..a feeling of something taking over me.If i Don't listen to it and back away or can't avoid it, I get triggered. If I am triggered, I lose total control of myself, and become dissassociated from myself. I then enter flashback mode. I can't fully describe what happens there because I also get memory loss of the actual flashback too. But I can describe my feelings...a feeling of extreme danger, people or places seem dangerous and evil to me :( can't breath, heart feels like it's gonna explode, sweating, stuttering, rocking back and forward (if I'm sitting) just pure fear. I react either by fleeing from wherever I am or fighting verbally. When I eventually come out of this flashback mode the feeling of disassociation continues.... I become confused and have memory loss.
My flashbacks can last anything from 30 minutes to hours and hours... It's impossible to time it....My moods Change hourly, I can't plan anything for the long term, so I take one day at a time.....To live like this is a nightmare.... But I'm trying to fight the urges of suicide and self harm which is what I feel after the flashbacks too.
I hope by writing this it might help someone who has severe PTSD too....Who knows, it might even help me too...
I forgot to add, the shame, the humiliation, the inability to control myself when in flashback mode, is what makes me feel suicidal.

 

[Gs172003]

Are you seeing anybody for treatment?

 

[Pixielicious]

Are you seeing anybody for treatment?

Not yet.... I am still on a waiting list for emdr treatment. I stopped all my medication and dumped my stupid Dr 5 months ago. But my plan is, to register with a new Dr next week :)

 

[Gs172003]

Not yet.... I am still on a waiting list for emdr treatment. I stopped all my medication and dumped...

that is your first step

 

[Pixielicious]

I

that is your first step

I'll be spending my weekend in this site and come next week, I at least will have some knowledge behind me......Just plucking up the courage to actually do it is what I must muster....

 

[BlueOrange]

That sounds like a pretty challenging experience. Please consider calling a hotline List of suicide crisis lines - Wikipedia when you're distressed and thinking about suicide. I've found them quite helpful.

 

[Pixielicious]

That sounds like a pretty challenging experience. Please consider calling a hotline

I can't do it... I Can't talk. I mean I jam up if I try to talk about anything personal and even more so to a stranger. Face to face or over the phone. But, I do go to sites encouraging people to why they shouldn't commit suicide. :)
This is the only site where I've written about my suicidal feelings that come and go...My Very first thread when I joined, was that.....Was in The middle of a flashback when I wrote it.... And i totally forgot I had (memory loss) but I remember the night... I Was Seriously contemplating on doing it... I think this site may have possibly saved my life!

 

[BlueOrange]

I'm really glad that you found support that you were able to use. It certainly can be very difficult to talk, and I've found text much easier on most occasions.

 

[Pixielicious]

I'm really glad that you found support that you were able to use. It certainly can be very difficult...

Never used to be like this before PTSD... I Was a confident open person who had no problem socialising.... I know I'll never be what I used to be, but I can get better (I hope)

 

[Gs172003]

I'm really glad that you found support that you were able to use. It certainly can be very difficult...

Absolutely. Texting and email is my go-to

 

[BlueOrange]

After years in therapy, I'm pretty capable these days. I still get tired more easily, and I have some very specific dissociative barriers around tasks that I associate with my home situation. (Which is annoying, because they are essential tasks.) But when I'm out in the world, I pass for normal. The 'traumatic stuff' rarely gets to me, because I have so much practice with it now.

 

[LaceySA]

I can feel my flashbacks coming too. To me it feels like my mind is slipping and there's nothing I can do to stop it at that point. I can only ride it out. I'm gripped with terror but it's actually of the real terror and madness that is coming. Mine last from a few minutes to months. I understand wanting to die. Sometimes I want that. Too often.

I too grieve the loss of the person I use to be. I'm not that person anymore. I use to think the world was just waiting for me to come see it, explore it, live it. I wasn't afraid and I had so much faith. Not in God, but in myself, in goodness, in other people, in the merits of hope. I knew that there was always something good waiting for me around the corner. I always felt like if my ship sank, there would be another one waiting for me. I knew it. I traveled the world on a whim. I was fearless. I loved everyone. I went all over the country by myself just because I could and I couldn't wait to see what was going to come next. I'm not that person anymore. I'm scared all the time. Even when I'm loving my life. I never quite feel safe and I'm plagued with thoughts of terrible things that could happen. So often, everything and everyone looks scary and dangerous and I'm just terrified. I just keep going and keep getting back up no matter what, and I always will.