Childhood Parents, What Would You Have Done?

[lostforgottensoul]

I keep remembering of a time where I was about 10 or so. I had a friend that was a few years younger than me. We were at her house laying under a large plant that was like a canopy over us by an open window which we didn't know was open. I was telling her of very detailed sexual things that I shouldn't of known at that age and her mom heard us. Her mom came out in a very angry rush and took her daughter by the arm and jerked her away from me and angerly advised that I needed to go home and was never to talk to her daughter ever again, which I didn't.

My question is to moms with daughters around 8 or so. If that happened and you over heard that, would you take it upon yourself to advise the parent of the other child or talk to the child or would you think its not your place?

I think Im trying to make sense of those that missed red flags. If she would have dug maybe she would have stopped what came a few years later. I know if my mom was told she would of said that she'd take care of it but not do anything but if she would have talked to me maybe I would of advised of what was happening, being trafficked, in a way that I could of advised. But is it the place of someone to dig info from a child thats not theirs? Did she do the right thing and am I just blaming other people?

What would you have done?

 

[shimmerz]

I would have talked to you to figure out if I could have helped you. That is a definite red flag and I wouldn't have asked your parents (yet) because I would have assumed that there may have been parental involvement.

I think people forget that children that are exposed to these things, just by nature of the fact that they are exposed to it, will speak of it and be shunned, shamed and rejected by people. So the damage isn't just restricted to the 'trauma' itself, but also the way that they are treated by others.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

So the damage isn't just restricted to the 'trauma' itself, but also the way that they are treated by others.

That is so true!

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I am not sure what I would have done before I knew my own sexual abuse history. I keep wondering why people didn't pick up on the red flags that I was sending out. I think this mother probably wanted to protect her daughter and didn't stop to think of why you knew such language and information. I've come to realize that a lot of people either don't know the red flags or choose to turn a blind eye. Or they are so removed from the possibility of such horrors that it doesn't even cross their minds. As a mom now, I would talk to the child. I am probably too sensitive to these things.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I guess to expand on that @shimmerz, Im wondering if that added more layers to the shame and maybe even muzzled me more. If i spoke of it less through the years because of this one event.

Or if im just trying to lay blame on others.

Im not really sure what im wondering or trying to figure out, but the event wont stop playing in my head.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

As a mom now, I would talk to the child. I am probably too sensitive to these things.

Well, also, I was 10 in 1991 so it was a different time too.

I think she wanted to protect her daughter but what i cant stop thinking about was how angry at me she was. I remember the feeling i had so well.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Im not really sure what im wondering or trying to figure out, but the event wont stop playing in my head.

I've been going through very similar things. I barely spoke in kindergarten to the point where my mom was surprised that they sent me on to first grade (I never knew that). I do remember that I stopped talking in 7th grade as well. I also was super clinging to my mom and freaked out if I couldn't find them (like if they were at the neighbors which I knew they were, I just seemed to forget and then run next door crying). These weren't normal kid reactions. There were other signs that I know of now, but no one ever thought to figure out the cause behind these things.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@JEKBreatheandBelieve, i remember an incident when I was 12 (or 11 almost 12) right before my dad left my mom, they were going on a date trying to make the marriage work (she was having an affair with whom later became my step dad) and my brother was in charge whom was 4 yrs older. We were in the driveway watching them pull out and i was hystical screaming unconsolable that they were leaving and my brother couldnt console me and told me to hug him, which i did. He started to sing Dont Cry by Guns & Roses (which he did whem my mom & dad fought to calm me down) which calmed me down.

Normal 11 or 12 yr olds dont go hysterical when their parents leave when they know they will be back.

He later called me a baby but whatever.

ETA: Oh, my point is red flags were EVERYWHERE.

He also found drawings of men's penises and threatened to tell my Christian grandmother (dad's mom) and teased me. I had to be about 7 or 8. He doesnt remember that today. He is likely the one that saw the most red flags until he left with my dad.

 

[aut555]

As kids, we were talking about that stuff early on when no one was around. Just normal this happens between men and woman. No shame, but l was shocked but moved on in my elementary mind. I think a boy gave us the lowdown of course. So sorry you were chastised about this. Kids talk about all kinds of things.

I actually talked about things early on to my daughter so she wouldn't be clueless and would know how to respond if someone tried anything with her. Later, this turned out to be valuable when a guy came on to strong.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Since I have DID, I sent out red flags in different ways. I never talked or drew anything of a sexual nature. I knew nothing about sex or male anatomy until I was much older. All that was hidden from me for quite some time, but still the other red flags like the hysterics and the not talking were there. I just can't figure out if I should be angry at all the people who missed the red flags or chalk it up to ignorance. However, I don't think ignorance is an excuse. You have to notice something is not right when some of these signs show up in your child. Even if you don't know what it is. When I told my mom a year or so ago that I was sexually abused as a child, she said that was impossible, because I was never left alone. That's not true though so I wonder if she's just created her own version of how life was back then.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Just normal this happens between men and woman. No shame, but l was shocked but moved on in my elementary mind. I think a boy gave us the lowdown of course. So sorry you were chastised about this. Kids talk about all kinds of things.

It was WAY more then a normal 10 year old talking and "playing doctor". She was another girl but it was like explaining hardcore porn but even way more detailed. It wasnt just kid stuff as i was being pimped out starting at age 9. It was about all of that.

I wonder if she's just created her own version of how life was back then.

Everyone tells a story, your version of the truth. Its why i always say i hear your side and their side and look for the truth somewhere in the middle.

However, I don't think ignorance is an excuse.

I dont either but when they are obvious red flags of obviously something REALLY not right but you choose to not at least ask to find out and decide to stay ignorant of it (lacking of knowledge of said subject) then i start to blame and become angry.

 

[aut555]

That's really unreal. So glad you are talking about this and clearing the emotions to feel better. This is a supportive place and l have suffered horrible tragedy but l am here to help you in support and compassion. So we both make the journey to a healing place .