My Flashbacks And Disassociation

[Pixielicious]

I can feel my flashbacks coming too. To me it feels like my mind is slipping and there's nothing I can...

wow.... You Just wrote my life story (except about God)
I've travelled halfway around the globe too... And I've lived in 4 countries and moved back and forth 7 times between these countries , this doesn't include the countries I've travelled to for a holiday....

 

[LaceySA]

Wo

wow.... You Just wrote my life story (except about God)
I've travelled halfway around the globe...

I struggle with the contrast between the person I was and the person I am. I struggle especially hard with, as you said, the shame and humiliation I feel when I have flashbacks. I'm reduced to a shaking pile of person talking to myself on the bathroom floor or in the closet and I hate it. It happened to me last night for the first time in a long time. My flashbacks use to be horrendous every time, but they don't always get that bad anymore. When I finally got myself up off the floor and went to bed I woke with terror over and over until I finally slept. Then I dreamt the worst dream I've had in a very long time and I woke myself screaming.

I don't know if I will ever get better. I function better, and my life gets better and better. I feel I have matured and I make much better decisions than I did a decade ago. I love the person I am now, but it's still been ten years that I keep finding myself back there in that darkness with no escape from it. I'm not who I was, but I love who I am. Even with the darkness and not being able to control myself when something triggers a flashback. During those flashbacks though, I feel like I'm no good to anyone and I'm a shamed shell of who I was.

Sometimes I think that pain causes us to look deeper into everything. Mental illness is the worst pain I've ever known, and sometimes when I'm need a reason, I think about how much thought I've put into humanity, suffering, cruelty, ignorance, and hatred. I understand and see things in a way I never would have, had I not suffered the way I have. It's not a big comfort, but it is a comfort. Sometimes I see someone suffering something I have also, and I understand. I always needed someone to understand and no one did. Sometimes, I make a difference for someone like me. I make the difference I needed someone to make for me.

 

[Pixielicious]

I struggle with the contrast between the person I was and the person I am. I struggle especially hard w...

I have always believed that I'm an Empath and that was one of my problems... Wanting to help others...too much maybe.... Even to the point of being nearly killed....

I Was horrified when I was told that there is no cure for PTSD...Just Coping mechanisms and medication...I know I'll never be quite like I was in my past, but I'm thinking that, you cannot truly understand anybody until you've walked in their shoes and if PTSD is the way to do it......... Then i reluctantly accept it.

Besides... It could be worse right? I keep trying to remind myself of this....This thought pattern kept me strong before the... Nightmare began... that cursed me with PTSD..... .But when am in a numb and disassociated state I simply switch off, don't give a f#ck anymore and just want to end it all. And that part of me scares me...

 

[Pixielicious]

:hug:

 

[LaceySA]

I have always believed that I'm an Empath and that was one of my problems... Wanting to help others....

I wanted to help too. I have always felt deeply for others and from the time I could talk I always said I wanted my life to be about helping people. I tried to help the person who abused me. He nearly killed me. I thought I was helping him. I thought by seeing him and understanding, I could help him. I think really I didn't understand that I was taking responsibility for his feelings and enabling him to stay abusive and not take responsibility for himself. I cared so deeply for his suffering, that I thought it was a sacrifice worth making. I thought I could reach him if I suffered through it and that he could be saved. I don't know what I think now, except that my suffering was not for anything. It was senseless and undeserved.

The fact that there is no cure is a heavy weight indeed. Knowing that the nightmare may never end. It probably won't. I wouldn't say it's worth it to be able to understand others, but that is worth something. I reluctantly accept too. I wish I wasn't like this, but I am.

I tell myself all the time that it could be worse. I could still be living the real nightmare. I could be physically crippled and have absolutely no hope of recovery. I feel that there is some hope for my mind. There are so many people that have it worse, but that's only so comforting. Sometimes it adds to my despair to think about those people because they have little hope too. And when I'm numb and dissociated, as you describe it, there is no comfort and I too just want it to be over. Sometimes I just want to cease to exist. Sometimes I actually want to kill myself and I don't understand how I can think it with two kids and a husband. I am not weak, but I think it anyway. I just want it to stop and I'm lost in the darkness with nothing to hold onto and no hope. It scares me too. So much.

 

[Pixielicious]

I

I wanted to help too. I have always felt deeply for others and from the time I could talk I always said...

If there's one thing that has never been destroyed within me, it's Hope. There's a guy called Nick Vujicic, you can find his vids on YouTube, he has no arms or legs.....He's also done a film directed by Clint Eastwood, it's a short film called 'The Butterfly Circus'..again on YouTube... I highly recommend it to everyone ...This guy really lifts your spirit up...It's helped me keep my head above water (pun intended) you'll have to watch the film to understand my pun lol

 

[Pixielicious]

<Moderator edit to remove un-owned image. If you believe this is done in error, please submit a Help-Ticket>[/]

 

[Pixielicious]

<Moderator edit to remove licensed image. If you believe this is done in error, please open a help-ticket>[/]

Whoops a daisy, too many uploads on previous post..

 

[LaceySA]

I

If there's one thing that has never been destroyed within me, it's Hope. There's a guy...

Very cool. I have heard of him before but I had forgotten until I looked him up just now. Very inspiring. I guess we are like him in a way. We have a serious impairment, but it's still up to us what we do with our lives.

 

[LaceySA]

I

If there's one thing that has never been destroyed within me, it's Hope. There's a guy...

You know how we were talking about how things could be worse? That and Nick Vujicic. There's a woman named Mary Vincent, who was raped and her arms were cut off. She was left stuffed in a culvert to die. She was 15 and had run away from home. Her story may not be as inspiring as Nick Vujicic, but I think of her and what her struggle must be like and as guilty as I feel saying it, I feel grateful for what I still have.

 

[Pixielicious]

Tb

You know how we were talking about how things could be worse? That and Nick Vujicic....

Tbh... My best days tend to be when I can be thankful.... But, if a flashback happens its back to square one.. Meh...Before all this trauma it was a policy I lived by, to be thankful when I wake up and thankful when I sleep.... What Used to work then, doesn't work no more. It's impossible to be grateful when you feel terrified. So nowadays I am grateful whenever I am able to be so :)

 

[LaceySA]

Tb

Tbh... My best days tend to be when I can be thankful.... But, if a flashback happens its back t...

I know. Terror overrides every feeling. Sometimes I just don't care. About anything at all. My own mind has become a prison.

If you don't mind my asking, how long ago did your abuse end?