The struggle with self compassion...

[ms spock]

When I started to do self compassion I had strong, solid visceral reactions of suicidal ideation combined with a profound and deep sense of unworthiness - so I had to take it ever so slowly at the beginning. Even the idea of self compassion was abhorrent to me. My self hatred was so deep that I could never see myself ever really moving in that direction. It was unfathomable. Going in that direction jolted me with pretty severe bounceback. So I had to slowly move in that direction .0001 of a degree at a time. I had extreme and severe backdraft.

Some people find that when they practice self-compassion, their pain actually increases at first. We call this phenomena backdraft, a firefighting term that describes what happens when a door in a burning house is opened – oxygen goes in and flames rush out. A similar process can occur when we open the door of our hearts – love goes in and old pain comes out. Tips for practice - Self-Compassion

I have made used of Kristin Neff's website and I am immensely grateful for her free guided audio and written exercises. I also read her book which was really helpful for me. For many people on this website don't work and don't have access to treatment. I have found a lot of free resources and I have tried to pass those on - they may not work for most people, but there might be a few people out there that they might help.

I find I have to do a lot of self compassion breaks to get through the day some days but now I am not abusing myself with self hatred 24/7 I am beginning to make more progress. It has been a very, very, very long journey.

I was able to download the Self Compassion Break for free - and if I hadn't I would never have bought it or the book for myself - I was just not worthy to go into that direction. The types of abuse I received as a child made it almost impossible to start healing.

A few years ago I just wouldn't have a bar of self compassion or self love or self care - it just brought up immense deprivation for me. I felt enraged with myself for having a feeling or needing or wanting anything.

My Complex Trauma didn't even move in a direction of becoming manageable until I started on this pathway.
Chronic traumatisation as a child left me with nothing that good in my head/mind/body/spirit. I was hardwired to fawn and freeze and it has taken truckloads of work to even start to move beyond this.

There will come a time where I won't be on as much and leaving this trail behind feels important for those who had similar childhoods to my childhood. There is a neverending series of locked doors to go through to get out of that

There is a quote “When we give ourselves unconditional love, we discover the conditions under which we were unloved” and I found the amount of self hatred and self destructiveness that came up with I started going in that direction - not even doing it - just thinking about possibly doing it one day - was quite all encompassing and intense.

So I do understand the resistance to doing self compassion - I even lost a frew friends upon the way who took to mocking my practices with self compassion - it is not an easy journey - but for me (along with the other dozen things that I have had to do) there was no other way.

It is still a struggle. But just because some thing is a struggle doesn't mean not to do it!

 

[Recovery4Me]

I know that I owe a debt of gratitude for so many of the components that you brought to my attention in order for me to heal holistically. I felt (and often still do) great resistance to that of incorporating self compassion into areas of my journey and heart.

However, oddly the more I allowed for myself...the greater my reserve became thus allowing more return or giving to others. I was not as depleted, angry or needy. I learned love begins inside for one's self.

Thank you Ms Spock for those many beautiful lessons that you have shared with me along these years.:notworthy::hug:

 

[IamFree]

Hello thank you for this very inspiring. I relate so much. I am going through emotional healing right now as I have been very numbed out from them for most of my life. its been painful to discover how much self hatred has been in my heart for all this time but the more I deal with these emotions the better it gets as I know self hatred is of me but it is not ME . its just a load of crap people places and things have shovelled on to us. I don't believe anyone truly hates them selfs. I had a very symbolic dream about a cute little tortoise and I was trying to pull it out of its shell by strangling it and throwing it on the floor . I realised that tortoise symbolised me and how hard on myself I am. good luck on the journey. I think its natural to lose friends in this process when you are changing and other people are staying the same it just happens.

 

[Seasounds]

Thank you, once again for your wisdom. You've helped me to live with Complex Trauma, in so many ways: your depth of perception, accessing the language to describe the process of healing, and your compassion.

Yes, for me too, at first opening the door for self-compassion opened so many fires and negative introjective voices.

Your wiring today has helped me consider that giving myself more compassion in the areas that I 'keep insisting that I change' may be a better first step.i try this approach.

 

[ms spock]

It is kind of important not to numb out those feelings though as Kristin Neff writes:

If we use self-compassion practice to try to make our pain go away by suppressing it or fighting against it, things will likely just get worse. With self-compassion we mindfully accept that the moment is painful, and embrace ourselves with kindness and care in response, remembering that imperfection is part of the shared human experience. Tips for practice - Self-Compassion

So we don't do Self Compassion to fix ourselves or as a stop off to another way of feeling - you have to truly do it and bepresent with it for you to move into that space. Being imperfect is really part of the human experience - I have done Self Compassion Breaks hundreds of times now and some days I do it on and off most of the day - like any other skill it takes practice and it takes repetition.

I did truly hate myself - I hated myself for being little, vulnerable, needy, wanting, alive, for having feelings and for just existing- that is how it was/is for me - I am working on it. I realise that everyone's journey is individual for them. I respect that.

I still do hate myself at times - but slowly I am working with it.

 

[VioletButterfly]

@Ms Spock - Thank you for knocking on my self-compassion door again and keeping this conversation at play in my being. Something to add to my gratitude list. Best to you. VB

 

[ms spock]

I have a lot to add to my gratitude list as well @VioletButterfly!

Self Compassion was an absolute no-no - not in anyway f*cking possible when I started to slightly move towards it. It was not a concept in my universe. I had to work so hard to start to even be a tiny little bit kind towards myself.

Now I practice Self Compassion through out my day by using the Self Compassion Break!

There is no way I could be living the way and the life I am living now with out dedicated work with Self Compassion - and practice, practice, practice!

 

[ms spock]

I am working on this on a daily basis. The activity of my current self hatred is hard to deal with at times but much improved and I caught myself doing it today and refocussed.

 

[ms spock]

I am still working on this! I am improving. It is going to take a lot of practice to live Self Compassion in my daily life, but I can do it! I can do it! I will keep practicing until I get there. I can now be kinder to myself. If I didn't do the Self Compassion I would not have made it this far. It took such a long time to even think of doing Self Compassion. Now I am doing it! I am doing it! I did well today!

 

[ms spock]

I am working on this - it is a daily practice that I think about every hour or so now. I keep going back to this and it helps me not to get stuck in that vibrant, active, almost all encompassing self hatred.

 

[ms spock]

Doing this as a daily ongoing practice - it took almost a year talking about it until I could actually begin to do it! And now I can do it!

The difference to my life is profound I get finally step out of the neverending rousing and abusing of myself and frozeness. There is life on the other side of it. For the longest time, a couple of decades I thought I would never make it but one step at a time I am doing it now.

Self Compassion - a very important, sometimes moment by moment practice.

I am finding along with busting those distorted cognitions (David Burns CBT) and Radical Acceptance I am gaining traction and gaining ground.

 

[VioletButterfly]

@Ms Spock - I'm so inspired by your journey and what you've shared above. I have a question for you. I can go through the routines of self-compassion, but I seem to have a disconnect with regard to acknowledgement. How do you move from self-compassion to awareness of that compassion, and then incorporate that into a mode where it is top of mind and an encouragement to keep on going? Any thoughts? I'm not quite sure what's going on. Maybe it's my issue with stillness? I.e. I can't quite seem to get there and stay there. Thank you. VB