Childhood Parents, What Would You Have Done?

[sedna]

Its difficult, you can only remember what you saw, felt and understood.

What a little girl sees , feels or understands is based on her best efforts and the manipulation of the abuser.

We may never know, really. Im so sorry for you lostforgottensoul.

Go to school! I havent forgotten you.
:inlove:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Go to school! I havent forgotten you.

:hug:

 

[Gs172003]

I found a girl on the top bunk of my sons bed with her hands down his pants and talking dirty to him.
th...

Same day care as before.... They found two four year olds making out behind a mattress sitting against a wall. Probably DID see somebody else doing that. Of course they stopped them.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@lostforgottensoul Man this is a tough one to answer. Being a mother and someone that suffered abuse its hard to answer. A parent could go in any one direction on this one. I'm sorry that you went through this.

I think that parents in general want to protect/shelter their children from things that they shouldn't hear/see that are upsetting. Should she have taken the time to understand more? Probably yes, but that's hindsite. She didn't and you are left holding the bag of shit for it. I've done things as a parent, that looking back, I should have done differently. I have had much guilt, but I can not change it.

This probably haunts and angers you. I can totally understand. I just hope that someday you can move forward and let some of the emotions entangled with this go......

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Thanks @She Cat! Yeah, its definitely going in all sorts of directions thats not really wrong and I know she was protecting her child and that is certianly a good thing. Im sure she looked angry because she was momma bear protecting her cub, you know?

And I know its hindsight, not changing anything. I honestly have no clue what im seeking really, its just wont stop "haunting me" if you will and not sure why.

I think this has to do with my "inner child" as in the last few weeks ive been feeling massive anger and hatred for my child self. And since my mom died by therapist says ive regressed as a lot of my thoughts are young as are most of my emotions. I feel young. So maybe this is me trying to figure stuff out in regard to "child me"? I think im trying to release the "no one cared or cared enough to stop and take time to ask and/or see because you werent worth their time" sort of self talk. But thats a guess as im not really sure.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@lostforgottensoul Something that happened many yrs ago, that I am not proud of and could have handled differently.

I had my daughter just after turning 18. Got married somewhere when she was 6-7 (don't remember cause it was a shitty marriage and I try to forget that time). Anyways, sometime when she was in her early teens, she accused my husband, (her step father) of inappropriate behavior. She never disclosed what that behavior was.

I didn't believe her. Why? Well for one, she has lied since she was old enough to talk. Still does, and I still have issues believing her about anything. We haven't spoken in over two years, but I would still be extremely cautious in believing her. Yes, lying to me is a huge trigger for me. She admits she lies about everything, saying it's just easier to lie, that tell the truth.

I did throw my husband out 3 days later and I did eventually get a divorce.

This is what I was referring to in my previous post, what I have guilt over. Maybe not guilt, maybe I should have believed her right when she told me. IDK! It's always been so hard with her, she just freaking lies about everything, and I try so hard to be truthful and honest.

There were times that I stood up for her, protected her, and fought for her. Then found out she'd been lying all along. Honestly, I'm glad they we don't speak to each other, and I'm sure she's just as content as I am to keep it that way. Sorry I hijacked your thread....

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Sorry I hijacked your thread....

You did no such thing.

It is a hard thing, especially when you have someone that always lies. Its hard to know for sure.

I think the way to handle that is to believe the child until otherwise proven wrong. Not saying that to make you feel more guilty as the past is the past, you cant change it. Just advising thats what id do.

We all do the best we can with what we have at the time. I dont think you should feel guilt over it. Even if it is true, you still did the best you could with what you had at the time. When we know better we do better! :hug:

 

[Deleted member 541]

@lostforgottensoul One of my favorite quotes. When we know better, we do better!!!! I don't feel as guilty as I used to. I know that I did the best that I could, with what I was given to work with when I became a mother. Which wasn't much!!!! No parenting skills, no role model and abuse abuse abuse from childhood. It is what it is, and your right we can't change it......

 

[Amack]

First off I am sorry you have suffered. I think it is a positive you are trying to sift through your past and ask questions. This is the right direction.

To answer your question as a parent. I had a different situation arise and we choose to tell.
I had been made aware by my daughter 7, that another child 7, made mention to her that her brother was touching her and coming into her room at night. He was probably 12 years older. We have discussed inappropriate touch an boundaries with our kids (age appropriate) from a very young as my sufferer has early abuse, in fact that is his first memory, in his past. So, my daughter knew it was not right. Anyway, we struggled with what to do but ultimately chose to talk to the mother. She said her daughter had told her some stuff but she didnt know what to do.....(was in a bad marriage, the kid had been in trouble etc...) so basically I gave her a choice she gets help or I call he police bc I could not go another second knowing this and do nothing. She became very angry, VERY angry!.....but my sufferer said IF just ONE person would have paid attention to him and just ONE person would have stood up who knows....So, I called the proper authorities. They actually took action and he was removed....The mother was livid. BUT, fast forward 2 years after that, and my sufferer was sharing his story *at church, we went to the same church* after the service she came running to our car and apologized because she did not know my sufferers story, and she just kept saying Sorry, sorry I am so sorry I didn't know.....We assured her no apology necessary to protect her daughter was the goal........

I share this I HOPE and pray as an encouragement to speak up.........I would have talked to you and then your mom and followed through but I also have experience with and abuse victim. I pray your soul finds hope in this and that your "inner child" can find victory if not for you with the answer maybe for another little girl.....

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@Amack, that is awesome that you followed through and called the police. I am positive that my mom would of told you what you wanted to hear to make you positive she would take of it and then make me so damn scared that the next time you asked I would say it wasn't happening anymore, that he was gone, convincingly. My mom was part of it all and a damn good liar and I learned how to be convincing because if I wasn't I would get punished worse.

I was 10 at this time so it is 2 years before my dad left. It was after my *later step dad but then my mom's affair* came in my life (lets call him E so not to get confused) so real bad stuff was already going on and my mom was an equal abuser to E. My dad was pretty checked out of what was going on, passing by major red flags without a thought about them and at 7 made me his little spy to tell him what was going on with my mom and E (wanted to confirm an affair...though his spy was only 7) and my dad was physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive himself so im unsure if either parent would have done anything but my dad at least wouldnt of been able to tell you its taken care of convincingly and he did throw my step dad against a wall, was in his face and told him he better not touch me. So i'm not sure if that was just a fear or if he knew. Today he doesn't remember that but i do, it was done in front of me when i was 12.

In any case, yes, I am trying to sift through my past though i am not sure what i am trying to figure out. Since my mom died on 7/23, younger stuff started to come up to memory and maybe I am trying to make sense of all of the red flags everyone missed. How it was allowed to go as far as it did. How all of the early stuff was missed and my step dad, E, and my mom was allowed to lead a cult and do what all they did, with no one knowing. It blows my mind of the severity of it all and no one knew. Some knew something was wrong but they were able to hide it well and lie well and convince all that we were a normal family and I just had mental issues.

I suppose that's the first time i called my past severe.

Sorry, I honestly have no idea what I am trying to work out.

 

[shimmerz]

I honestly have no clue what im seeking really, its just wont stop "haunting me" if you will and not sure why.

Idk if this has been mentioned, but I went through a huge stage where I longed to have in my history that 'parent protecting me' look. Or a parent just out and out protecting me. Just a thought that occurred to me. May mean nothing to you.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I longed to have in my history that 'parent protecting me' look. Or a parent just out and out protecting me.

I long for that, but, I think, I always have. Like i will make up this "movie" in my head to help me sleep that my therapist is my dad and part of his normal family. My therapist says its to feel safe in a time i dont. But ive always longed to have a parent that protected me and loved me. To the point of bending my past in my head to pretend i did.

Never really knew what that was all about though. Its never been a stage as its always been. Or maybe im trying to get out of that stage by sifting through to understand i really didnt have a protector in my past?

Hmmm, I dont know but that last bit seems it could be correct. My therapist always called my mom dying as a new chapter. Maybe its me trying to push out of that stage to move foward into a new chapter in my therapy?