Acceptance

[lostforgottensoul]

But if that's not true, and was never true...how do you cope with that?

The same way you tell me too, self compassion as much as possible, self patience as much as possible, i have to be repetive and keep countering my distorted thoughts. Like this one:

I am the reason it's awful.

and all these years have been wasted for no good reason

I know that feeling but remember, its marathon.

Keep plugging hon!

Sorry if im not helping much. I can offer you a :hug: though! :unsure:

 

[Hope69]

And what is my life without the suffering? If that's not what I was born for, and all these years have been wasted for no good reason, what happens then? How could a person possibly contain and cope with the kind of anger and grief that would bring up?

This life I have now is awful, but at least there's a reason it's awful. I am the reason it's awful. But if that's not true, and was never true...how do you cope with that?

Thats an interesting way of looking at it. I see suffering as cause and effect. When something is threatening or hurtful to us, we feel pain. I too have had abusive relationships. Why? I believed I was unloved because I did something wrong, and also I wanted to feel loved so I was willing to manipulate myself into being better or nicer until it was too bad to endure.
Was there a point to it? No, it was crap. Thats it. And I"m not willing to be hurt in hopes of getting a little pleasure or warmth. But am I angry? Absolutely, I put myself in harms way because I didn't know better and because I was afraid of not being loved.

Thats it, suffering tells us we're hurt, the question is how do we get out of pain and move into peace. Not sure yet.

 

[Sideways]

suffering tells us we're hurt,

It sounds simple, but I think this is...idk, but I think maybe this is part of what I don't want to acknowledge.

"I was hurt really bad" - not exactly a statement that flows easily for me. It feels alien. Obvious, but alien.

 

[Sideways]

Sorry if im not helping much.

You are helping. And you have helped this process start for me, in a very real way. And it hurts, so part of me is like, "Damn you and your progress".

But mostly, I'm just overwhelmed with relief that I've got someone like you on the journey.

And yeah, I think maybe I can do hugs today:)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

And yeah, I think maybe I can do hugs today

TIGHT :hug:s til you say "LET GO LOST! I CAN'T BREATH!" LOL!

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Ragdoll Circus Your T has a valid point about changing behaviors before beliefs will change. This is true. If we keep acting the same way, yet expecting a different outcome, then everything remains the same except for the fact that our symptoms heighten.

You also speak of other people's tragedies... Yes, it's awful, it can be just shitty what people do to others, but if you focus on what happens to others, then you lose site of you, and your issues. We can't change what others do, think, or act, we can only change OURselves, action, and thoughts. Learning to let go of a lot of outside shit, is something that I had to learn in order to focus on myself and my healing.

Many times, I believe that we do focus on outside shit, so that we don't have to look at ourselves and our trauma. Because it's too painful, and it's easier to look outside, rather than in..... it's easier to try and find a solution for others, rather than find a solution for our pain. It's just easier to feel others pain, than to offer ourselves that empathy and even sympathy, because we have skewed thoughts about ourselves. We believe that because someone has hurt us, that we don't deserve, we must be bad and deserved it. Very skewed thinking.

I could go on and on, but I think you get my drift here. Some how, some way you need to find a way to have some compassion, empathy, understanding and sympathy for yourself.

 

[VioletButterfly]

I'm just putting one portion of what I'm working on out here for you tonight. I can't seem to take CPTSD as a whole and "accept" it. What I've focused on is kind of a sideways acknowledging of what has happened and is happening that falls under this umbrella. It's a back and forth proposition, as you noted. It's up, down, spinning around, spiraling, and sliding down hill as well.

At any rate, what I've been more focusing on is strengthening mental, emotional and spiritual muscles that I need to get through the day. I've been redirecting, comforting, and protecting myself with my thoughts, feelings and actions to show myself that there is another way, and that I will be there with myself for the journey. Not 100% in this endeavor, not by far, but I've dipped my toe into this particular pond of self-compassion many times now. Trying to show my emotional mind that there doesn't always have to be a fight or a struggle - just acceptance of what has been and letting it go. That there can be peaceful days and happy memories, even in the midst of inner-turmoil. That I have to deal with today in real-time with me on board instead of cowering in a corner playing tapes over and again in my mind if I want to heal and get to a better place. Addiction is not the answer. Also, I've decided that I will not beat up on myself and continue the legacy. I'm working on accepting that statement. Not 100% here either, but working on it. Ebb and flow.

I'm also working on accepting where I am right now in terms of my mental, physical, and spiritual self. On accepting what real life looks like from my vantage point and that, perhaps, in the past I was living a different reality in my mind and in the world. That this might not apply to the present - it's a new world to me and very scary. Accepting.... So I adapt and do what I can to help myself navigate through the world.

One point of acceptance that is still very much in progress is more in line, I think, with what you're looking at in terms of abuse. I think I'm hitting it more on an abstract level as it is what I can handle right now. Details are up in Pandora's box, although a few have sifted back down into my conscious mind over the past week. Running along side of accepting where I'm at is accepting that I am the caretaker for my mother, the one who has abused me throughout my life in a number of ways and is sucking the life-blood out of me. I am accepting (work in progress) that I will continue to be her caretaker and finish what I have begun. I will not throw in the towel and leave a vulnerable woman as prey. I will fight for her as I have fought over the past 3 years to ensure that she has the best quality of life she can until she passes. I will do this because this is who I am. I'm not her daughter, really. I belong to someone else greater than she. It's acceptance on many levels with a good amount of cross-over and overlay.

So maybe it's about building a foundation and then building upon it. Taking one point or aspect of life experience and accepting that, and then moving on to another point or aspect of life experience. Getting past the racket in one's mind and body, to work directly with the spirit in healing. I don't know if an of this resonates with you, but it's how I'm going at this for now. I hope it might have helped or maybe just put a different spin on it. I hope you find what you need to help you heal and move forward. Best to you. VB

 

[Gs172003]

@Ragdoll Circus Your T has a valid point about changing behaviors before beliefs wil...

Dang. Why'd I have to go and read that?

Now I have to DO this stuff. Dang you for being so smart.

 

[Sideways]

Dang you for being so smart.

Hehe, blame my T for that gem!

 

[EveHarrington]

I've always accepted what's happened to me. It's always been in my memory and I've never had to deal with denial in the realm of what you're talking about. It sounds like you had a lot of psychological bs to deal with in regards to your CSA whereas I had none and I think this is a key difference. That is my abuser didn't manipulate me, pretend to love me or care about me, etc. Which actually explains a lot about my stance on sex being purely mechanical and not about feelings.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

This is a great thread, learned so much reading through it.

For me it is a gradual process, I too think of all of the years of anger and grief etc was wasted, nothing I can do about that it happened.

Now I know that I was not the bad one and as for my traumas etc. they lie in the past now.

It was a real gradual process that began with stopping the voice of my inner abuser and inner critic. That was a life changer for me.

Doing EMDR also changed my life as well, because no more am I haunted or tormented with the ugly truthful memories. I no longer feel like I am a haunted house.

I am at the beginning of something new in my life and I am learning all I can to help me to create a better life for me now.

I wish you all of the best on your healing process.

 

[Sideways]

@EveHarrington - Thank you for your post. This isn't an easy topic.

I was thinking earlier today, "I don't want someone else controlling my mind anymore". I think you're right, that the type of psychological abuse for me is a big part of what makes me struggle with acceptance, and overcoming that is key to me moving forward.

In that respect, I guess our path to acceptance is as unique as our trauma. I think it says a lot about your natural courage that you have always been able to accept your trauma on that level.