Relationship To Reach Out Or Not...

[Hojay]

Yes, that blowing hot and cold is confusing. I think, most of the time, if you're emotionally unavailable, it's not a very conscious thing. Often people sincerely want to have a relationship but are stumped when it comes to leading one and being able to follow up on everything it entails. So even though he may be somewhat unavailable, it doesn't mean he's not an amazing and also lovable guy - it just means he is not in a place to offer anyone enough of himself to make a relationship work. (At least, at the moment, not with anyone who is not comfortable with what he has to offer.) Or, alternatively, he may be offering what he thinks is enough, but it's not enough for you - because that counts too. (If he is unavailable emotionally, it could very well be due to the place he is in dealing with PTSD, or it could go beyond that, who knows.)

Whatever space he is in is totally to be respected. If he is not aware of it himself, then at least you should be and make your choices accordingly.

(Another interesting though re. getting involved with essentially unavailable partners is that, quite often, if we continue the cycle, on some level, somehow we're unavailable ourselves too. If we were fully available and readt to have a great and mutual relationship, we wouldn't try to make one work that doesn't serve our needs. I balked at the first time I heard this, but I realized, for me, it was true.)

Just to clarify though, I'm not generalizing here that sufferers are all emotionally unavailable. Quite the contrary! It's just my thoughts on your particular situation at the moment. These are just theories on my part - I don't know you, him, or the relationship dynamic you're in, but if any of it resonates with you, then maybe this line of thinking is helpful.

 

[Sighs]

@GoatBoston and @Hojay - how do you know he wasn't in a PTSD crisis? What do you mean by that? Do you mean "he wasn't in the middle of a suicide attempt so he should have sent me a text"?

My vet's PTSD never goes away. There are days where he doesn't answer my calls because he can't talk through the sobbing. There are days where he doesn't answer my calls because he can't trust himself not to explode at me due to his anger.

I can speak to him at 4pm on the phone and he tells me he can't wait til I get home and by 5.30pm when I pull up in our driveway he isn't even there. No note. Just gone.

PTSD is not an excuse for every bad behaviour. I don't believe it excuses cheating or domestic violence or gambling or any number of other things. But first and foremost it causes disconnection, isolation, emotional numbness. It is a constant push-pull. And it absolutely sucks when you love that person every day not just on the days he's well enough to speak to you.

You need to really think about whether you want to get on rollercoaster because the ride is just beginning...

 

[joeylittle]

We had plans to talk, so that's why I called him...he later said he spent the afternoon watching the game, but I called 2 hours beforehand so it still didn't make sense why he screened the call and didn't talk to me as we had agreed on previously. He wasn't in a PTSD crisis...I don't know why he didn't take the call and I will never know why he didn't. This is just what happens.

Actually, what you are describing is a pretty common part of what can be a PTSD crisis. Crisis is defined by the sufferer, but it doesn't always look big. It can be quite small. Making plans and then being overwhelmed by them, and avoiding rather than addressing the overwhelmed feeling - that's a PTSD behavior.

It's like a part of him does want me there...but another part of him finds that scary...and another part of him wants to just be able to watch football with the guys and not have to explain himself to anyone...some of this is PTSD, but that doesn't cover it all...and to be honest, I don't think it's fair to minimize his ability to make choices and be an adult by saying everything is PTSD.

I agree that it's not all PTSD.

What it does sound like is the fairly typical experience of the early phases of a breakup. When it's moved past the bright and shiny phase, and now things are becoming a bit more real. Human beings don't always know what they want - and I agree that he could be making choices. And so could you. What strikes me the most, reading your story, is how the two of you clearly care a great deal for each other, and that makes breaking up hard. But caring for each other isn't enough to make a relationship work. And this is where PTSD comes into the picture, because the sufferer is going to have a compromised ability to cope. I see that he's trying to make choices, and cannot cope with them, so he's alternating between avoiding and asking for help in the form of asking for the brakes to be put on. I think you are having totally justified responses to that - you don't know how to 'un-boyfriend' him back to some random point in time that isn't platonic, but isn't committed. (I wouldn't know how to do that - human emotion doesn't erase/restart as efficiently as mechanical objects. Sounds nice in theory, but in practice...uncoupling is usually an all or nothing proposition. Although I have PTSD and am prone to black and white thinking, so I could be way off. Someone will tell me if I am :))

and maybe he's testing me when he says he needs to be alone to heal (which I don't agree with, people get better when they're supported) and he insists that he doesn't know how to let me be there for him and it just feels better to be alone...

Could be. But I'm less inclined to think he's testing you, and more inclined to say that it's also not uncommon to be totally confused about what having people be there for you, means. It's confusing.

How much needing is too much neediness, when does it become a burden, do they resent supporting all the time? - Ah, crap, it's better just to leave. That's how it goes in my own PTSD brain.

Take what's useful, leave the rest.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

It's like a part of him does want me there...but another part of him finds that scary...and another part of him wants to just be able to watch football with the guys and not have to explain himself to anyone.

Sounds just like my PTSD and I don't have combat PTSD.

Just because you can't run doesn't mean you get to sit out sometimes or that I am doing something wrong by wanting to run ahead every once in a while.

I've been having to force sit on the sidelines. I can't help that. So sometimes you have to sit and try to get yourself crawling.

I wouldn't say I'd advise a partner that he was doing something wrong but I would get upset if he kept trying to get me to get up and walk and I can't, let alone jog.

You run ahead of me, I suppose. But I'd like it better if he would sit beside me or stand there with me or run around the track back to me. I don't know but I think he is trying to tell you he can't run, needs some alone when he needs it and he feels he is being asked to do something he can't and is pushing back.

Also remember there is a push/pull inside of PTSD as well. I don't mean to advise PTSD is the excuse for everything but it can explain this issue in my opinion.

 

[GoatBoston]

Actually, what you are describing is a pretty common part of what can be a PTSD crisis. Crisis is d...

Thanks for your thoughts...I find it interesting that you saw this as the beginning of a break up, when we've actually been broken up for a while but he has popped back a few times until I said I can't do that anymore...hence why we're now exploring compromising....today has been an alight day with him, but I'm sure he was super busy with having his son for Halloween....so, I'm not sure if this is a break up and us just not getting it...or if this is a window to things maybe working out....would love your thoughts

 

[Hojay]

It's such a hard line to toe when PTSD is involved. I know plenty of women (and some men,) myself included not too long ago, who make those kinds of assumptions (he's just overwhelmed, he just forgot to call, he wants a relationship but just can't show it) even when PTSD isn't involved. The tendency to take very little investment from someone and turn it into hopes for a great relationship is very common. The issue with PTSD is that those moments aren't "excuses," they're real. But in that sense, if the sufferer wants to be in a relationship and their MO is to drop off the face of the planet or not follow through on plans, they need to be able to build trust with their partner that their disease it's not just an excuse. There needs to be consistency and respect for the other person's standpoint, e.g. Establishing a code word where plans are cancelled without any discussion, listening to what the other needs to feel secure in the relationship, hatching game plans for crisis modes etc. Otherwise there is no way of ever knowing if his behavior can truly be attributed to PTSD only, or if they are limited in what they have to offer in a relationship anyway.

 

[Amack]

It's such a hard line to toe when PTSD is involved. I know plenty of women (and some men,) myself include...

Completely agree. @Hojay

@GoatBoston
I see lots of confusion. How long was this relationship? I may have missed that (its a long thread). I have been in a 16yr relationship and 11yr. marriage dealing with ComplexPTSD. I wish I could give you a cookie cutter version of what is PTSD related and simply a persons selfishness or immaturity. Unfortunately, for some all of it is tied closely. I will reiterate what has commonly been said on this website though......PTSD is no excuse for bad behavior. Bad behavior whether or not caused by an episode is still bad and part of the healing process is getting the help needed to not deal in ways that are negatively impacting the sufferers life. With that said it will be journey and process and much grace is needed on the supporters part. Ways of coping will not change over night and triggers will have to be learned and then relearned as how to handle in a new healthy way....It takes time. It takes patience and as with any relationship it takes learning each other. So IF you are up for being put on the back burner, going it alone (ALOT), and not taking episodes and symptoms personally then by all means stay.

On a side note..... NOTHNG personally about you I make this in a general statement. We supporters also need to make sure we are healthy mentally and emotionally.......We talk often about sufferers changing but in my own life and others I see my part in this dance.....You as a human can extend much grace when your identity is not so wrapped up in another. You can love gently and still know you yourself is FREAKIN AWESOME!!!
live loved,
AMack

 

[dulcia]

if you have food poisoning to the point of violently throwing up and someone tries to feed you some of your favourite food in the whole world of course you don't bloody want any! Then when you're feeling better you do want that food. Then the next time the vomiting bout hits you don't even want to think about your favourite food. And then the food tells you that you've hurt its feelings and unless you want to eat it every night - even when you're vomiting - well its leaving for good.

I need this on a business card or a phone case or something I can look at easily to remind myself to give space! Stop texting!

 

[Empath16]

This post just gave me life!! I'm new to being a PTSD supporter of a guy I started dating back in April. I just learned of his PTSD on my own after unmasking him some months ago. I pay very close attention & I'm well in tune with my partners. I knew when things started getting weird in the relationship that my unmasking was making him uneasy. I've been reading up on PTSD for the past month cuz I was oblivious but never thought about PTSD affecting anyone that experiences a form of trauma.

I joined this forum today because I'm going thru the motions of him breaking up with me because he can't be the man I need right now, he's got to get his life together cuz he's in a f'd up place. It's only been 4 days since this happened but my heart was heavily vested in him as we bonded so fast that love blossomed naturally. I've been going thru the push/pull with him after he finally started therapy back at the end of September.

I miss him so much & I think I lost myself in him once I learned about some of the things that caused his PTSD. I'm such an empath. I always want to "fix" people. I know he loves me just as much cuz the last time he said he wanted space to work on himself we went 2 days & were right back together. I don't know what to do with myself. I really hate breakups. The push/pull has been very stressful on me & for some time I had not been happy with our relationship but thankfully now I understand why things were going the way they were in our relationship.

I contemplated ending things with him a few times cuz it's really tough to support but then I always put myself in the others shoes and sure enough, I wouldn't want to be abandoned when I needed someone most. It's a bitter sweet feeling that he broke up with me cuz I don't have to worry about feeling bad leaving him but on the other hand I feel terrible cuz he broke up with me.

Sorry to ramble here, this is my first post/response. Any encouragement is appreciated. I'll be posting my full experience in my own thread.