Psychosis, Multiple Personalities, Or Dissociation?

[Deleted member 37343]

So for a while my therapist has been tossing around the idea of psychosis mainly because I get these intrusive thoughts that become so vivid, it starts to overlap with what I'm seeing in the real world. She's not sure if some of my intrusive thoughts are memories in itself or are created by my own mind.

Another thing is that I'll get episodes of paranoia and delusional thinking that may last from a few days to a month. I'll think people are lying to me, tricking me, might be tracking me, etc. I also have this fear that my mindset will be taken over. In my mind, I've seen it happen. I've seen my mind slowly shift over and change to what's not my present self. (Past Self vs Present Self.)

I usually keep track of this by seeing if I can have a conversation with my Past Self or my Present Self. There is some slight control in the sense that if I'm talking to my Past Self, it's easier to shut it off. (Past Self thinking is more negative and critical.. my younger self's thinking basically.) but once I feel like it shifted and I'm able to see/talk to my "Present Self" it's harder to pull myself out of it and I panic/worry thinking that I am not 'me' and that my mindset has changed. I also worry that if it goes on for too long, I'll forget who I was originally. I used a sort of metaphor to explain this to my therapist and friend. Called it The Sponge Theory haha.

My Current Mindset is the shape of a sponge. It's a blue sponge.

Then there's a red dye which is sort of like my Past Self's mindset. I can tell how close the dye is getting and it'll start to slowly seep into the blue sponge. As it does, the sponge changes to purple just like how my mindset would slowly change. Eventually the blue sponge becomes purple. I'm constantly battling between what's reality and what's not. What's paranoid thinking and not, etc.

But if the blue sponge stays purple long enough, you start to forget if it was always purple and if it was really originally blue. Once I forget the original "color" it becomes a lot easier for the sponge to turn completely red.

Anyways, sorry for the disorganized post. Just wondering if others experience a similar thing. Only difference between my past self and present self would probably be the tone of voice. My Past Self was a lot more critical, negative, but also distant and acted like I couldn't care less, while my Present Self is a bit more understanding and realistic. Still brutal, but knows how to be gentle at times. Sometimes.

 

[pixel]

Hello @Nimali and welcome to MyPTSD.

What you're describing sounds very much like paranoia and dissociation, both of which are symptoms of PTSD.

I wouldn't venture to say you have another personality, because you describe retreating back into a younger self. It is quite common to have an inner child, most people do, and your dissociation is merely allowing this part to surface.
It can be distressing, especially if this is new, or is becoming 'deeper' than ever before — but please rest assured that you are not alone, you're not wierd. You are now here with us, we understand!

You haven't given any examples of delusions, so I cant comment there.

Regarding the psychosis,

I get these intrusive thoughts that become so vivid, it starts to overlap with what I'm seeing in the real world.

Can you please describe this more?
:)

 

[Deleted member 37343]

Hello @Nimali and welcome to MyPTSD.

What you're describing sounds very much like par...

Thank you. Yes I do have dissociative episodes that can be different from the shift in mindset. In a way it's not new, but it is rather distressing because I know my younger self and how my younger self acted, it sometime scares me.

My intrusive thoughts, they are sometimes slow progressing. It'll start with a simple thought. (though when I think, I tend to think in images, have conversations and scenarios play out in my head, etc.) Then as it "increases" it starts to get sort of.. "loud." Even though the image isn't any more detailed than the last, it feels more vivid and powerful. Before I know it I am hearing and seeing morbid scenery whether it be a building burning and people screaming out in pain, crying, reaching out toward me, etc. I'll see that my classmates are dead and I'm holding an axe. I'll have blood on me and people will ask me why I did it or to stop. Images are flashing for milliseconds in front of me along with any sensations. (i'll only feel sensations when the image/scene is present.)

What I mean when it replaces the current scenery.. Once it passes the almost final stage. (When it gets very vivid, loud, Crystal clear images, etc.) It continues where.. let's say I'm sitting at a dinner table with my friend. At first the image may be of me in the middle of a massive car accident and I am the only one standing/conscious. As it progresses, I'm obviously distressed, the image will change to where I'll see myself back at the table where my friend is and I'll see the dead people in the chairs sitting next to us. (the same ones in the car accident. Sometimes different people.) When it gets really bad, I'll be confused/disoriented and eventually not be able to remember where I was. Finally when it takes place of my current situation, I remember where I was , slightly, but seeing dead bodies and blood or a bloodied weapon in that setting still puts me way off.

Sorry if this was a confusing reply. It's hard to explaining because I have a hard time rationally thinking during one. All I can say for sure is the confusion, panic, flashing images, audio, sensations, and usually crying as I try to escape the place I'm in.

 

[Deleted member 37343]

Hello @Nimali and welcome to MyPTSD.

What you're describing sounds very much like par...

Though sometimes I unfortunately get a full blown vivid image where it skips all the slow progression and it's right before the image takes place in my current environment.

 

[Deleted member 37343]

I dabbled a little into this with my therapist but my friend has noticed this in me. My friend says I get hallucinations where I'll see or hear things that she does not. An example would be where she left me at the table to get something and when she came back she saw me laughing. When my friend asked what was so funny, I explained the story that a man told me. I don't remember this exactly, but I do have bad memory.

Another thing she has noted, that I did not notice at all, is that before I have an "episode" I'll ramble about random stuff. I'll talk about Montana, then I'm talking about piano, my lacrosse stick, etc. She has ADHD and she says I'll talk and act the way she does when she hasn't taken her Adderall. I'm all over the place, I talk without really thinking or listening, my mind "goes a million miles past the speed limit" before I crash and fall into a dissociative episode.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I'm not your therapist and I can't diagnose, but I don't think that you have multiple personalities.

DID is a disorder of hiddenness, as they say, meaning that it is so subtle (because each personality s grounded in reality - just not working together as a coherent team). This is why people with DID can hide it for so long, even to themselves. Moving between states is just sliding between different realities, and doesn't have the same intensity and fantasy of what you are describing.

What you describe sounds more like losing touch with reality, not just sliding into a different reality.

 

[Deleted member 37343]

I'm not your therapist and I can't diagnose, but I don't think that you have multiple pers...

Okay thank you for your reply. :) I will talk more about this with my therapist.

 

[BlueOrange]

Thanks for sharing your experience. The difference between intrusive memories and thought patterns (typically described as dissociation) and intrusive perceptions and ideas (typically described as psychosis) is an interesting one.

If you have things entering your vision and experience difficulty knowing what you've imagined and what is physically present, then that suggests that a psychosis treatment is more likely to be needed.

I remember when the Jehovah's Witnesses came to my house to interrogate me and make a report to God, who would then make a decision about whether to strike me with a heart attack. (The inconsistencies in that thinking were not apparent to me at the time.) it was a scary time for me.

One thing that helped a lot was artistic expression - in my case, collaborative storytelling. Allowing the thoughts to find expression without needing them to be literally true helped me.

 

[Deleted member 37343]

Thanks for sharing your experience. The difference between intrusive memories and thought patterns (...

In the beginning I am able to, but as it gets worse and progresses, it's like I forget everything and all I know is what is in the image or what's playing out.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

Hi,

This doesn't sound anything like DID or, as we used to call it, Multiple Personality Disorder. It does sound like you are losing touch with reality, are hallucinating.

 

[BlueOrange]

Hi,

This doesn't sound anything like DID or, as we used to call it, Multiple Personality Disord...

The description does lean more towards psychosis than DID, I agree. The question is whether the description is literal or metaphorical. I was in the habit of using a lot of metaphors, and was nearly misdiagnosed with schizophrenia. If not for my very good therapist who asked a lot of questions, I could have spent a long time on medication that would not have helped me.

 

[Deleted member 37343]

The description does lean more towards psychosis than DID, I agree. The question is whether the desc...

It's hard to explain. Logically I know that(when I'm in a derealized state)the people aren't really robots... but it feels like I can't be so certain that they're human either. In a way I know they are, but something makes me see them as if they're on autopilot and I'm weaving through puppets. My friend has noted that there are times where she'll try and talk to me, but when I look at her I look like she's speaking a language I don't know and I'm studying her, trying to understand her. I can still follow instructions but to a point. If she asks me to follow her, I will, but if she asks me to get something I won't. The whole time I'm quiet because I don't feel the need to respond to artificial intelligence. It's a very confusing time for me. Again, In a way I know they're not robots.. but there's no proof that they're human either.(in that moment.)