Has Anyone Moved Back In With Their Parents?

[Crystal Rose]

I'm almost 33 and I am working on getting a handle on surviving a betrayal after moving for a long distance relationship. I left my career and my life out in LA for what I thought would be a loving and supportive future with my partner in the Midwest last fall.

It took me a long time to get on my feet in terms of finding work, making friends and last winter I started having flashbacks to some intense physical abuse that I had experienced a few years back in another relationship that I thought I had worked through in therapy. I realized that I had a lot more work to do and was overwhelmed with trying to locate decent or available mental health services in a small WI town.

I caught my partner cheating after a whole lot of other life altering things were already underway and he left me after I suffered some intense dissociation and memory loss. It's been a few months now but I feel marooned and abandoned and I'm barely working enough hours to pay for therapy. I'm late on rent and overwhelmed with the idea of moving and finding a new source of income.

I have a vision for my future though and it's one thing that is keeping me hanging on to hope. It involves buying a campervan and living on my family's land/compound in Oregon to start out and get on my feet, but...I would have to deal with multiple addict family members including my father who had a stroke a few years ago along with an autoimmune disease and Hep C, a brother who is disabled, extremely religious relatives etc. I'm worried that they will break me down or discourage me from following my next steps to find happiness or succeed in life. I'm newly in Al Anon but I would like to dive deeper into work with my therapist here regarding my inclination to be a caretaker to my brother and my family members. I get really down on myself for feeling codependent in past relationships and I just want to be a whole person. I don't even see romantic love in my future at this point and I get really upset when people say you can focus on your healing so that you can find "the one" or the person that deserves you, etc. I want to stand strong on my own because I don't trust anyone not to hurt me or betray me anymore.

I recently realized that I need to be around people who really really love and support me. I can't do it here without real solid friendships and there's no way I'm moving back to Los Angeles. I have an opportunity to apply for grants and build out a vacant commercial building that my grandparents own for a public market and start managing and renovating their residential properties.

My mom and I are extremely close. If it wasn't for her I would be completely lost or dead by now. I just hope that I can build up enough boundaries to protect myself around my other family members. I'm scared to take the steps to get me out of here but I feel like it's worth a shot. I am so overwhelmed with transitions lately. I don't feel strong enough to keep moving forward most days let alone try and protect myself from damaging interactions with people.

Have any of you been faced with needing to move back home? Regardless of how dysfunctional your family is? I love mine very much but I'm worried.

 

[Alphabetzy]

I moved back home at the request of my mother after I left my son'S father because of abuse. I shouldn't have though. My mom was a perpetrator too, during my childhood and adolescence. She kicked me out a few weeks later and my 3 year old son and I had to live in a women's shelter. I started the fall semester living in the shelter and got a 4.0 that semester.

My mom wasn't able to articulate why she kicked me out. She would just start screaming at me. She's an alcoholic and so was my step dad. She told him he could plan on moving out after his father dies and he gets his inheritance. Jokes on her--my stepdad had undiagnosed lung cancer and died 6 months later.

 

[Crystal Rose]

I moved back home at the request of my mother after I left my son'S father because of abuse. I shoul...

I'm sorry that happened to you. It sounds like you really thrived in school under really intense circumstances. You are so strong!

It also sounds like some real karma happened there with your mom and step dad. Do you speak with her? So far I'm finding Al Anon really helpful for breaking the cycle so far and attempting recovery. I feel grateful knowing that I wouldn't be kicked out but I am still concerned for emotional and mental reasons.

 

[Eagle3]

I did...and my mom was one of my main abusers growing up. Both of my parents are really super-religious, and that triggers me. The house they live in is where all kinds of shit happened, and being in my old room is a trigger (sleeping in dad's office, can't handle my old room). At least they are TRYING to understand the difficulties I'm facing, and are being as supportive as they can be, but its still really hard for me to be here, facing so many triggers. My T says its good I get the opportunity to work through so many prior issues, and it kind of is, but its so hard. And the living conditions are deplorable too. No choice but to be here, sucks but not as badly as it could, and I'm able to focus on my therapy and getting myself taken care of. Oh, and I lost my truck during this changeover, so I'm stuck here with no transportation except having one of them drive me places, and that gets old real quick when schedules don't coincide.

 

[Alphabetzy]

I'm sorry that happened to you. It sounds like you really thrived in school under really intense c...

I've gone no-contact with her, with a couple slip-ups over the years :( No contact is the only way.
I have thought about Al Anon, but I dislike being in groups so much...lol. I used to drink a lot myself, but didn't want to turn into my mother. Self-imposed a 40-day no drink challenge in 2014 and didn't drink at all for ten months. I drink very rarely now. Never thought I'd be able to say that. She groomed me to embrace alcoholism like it was my job, fed me wine since the age of 3 (that I can remember, maybe earlier).

 

[Alphabetzy]

I did...and my mom was one of my main abusers growing up. Both of my parents are really super-religious, a...

Not cool that you don't have your own means of transportation! I can see that being a recipe for setting you up for stormy waters ahead. Im glad they're being supportive now. Hang in there.

 

[Crystal Rose]

I did...and my mom was one of my main abusers growing up. Both of my parents are really super-religious, a...

I'm sorry to hear that it's been a tough transition. Do you live rurally?

I hope that it will be only somewhat temporary for me. I just want to make everyone have goats and chicken and improve the lifestyle of my family but I know I can't force them to be healthy or at least attempt to be. The religious stuff is hard. I hate lying to my dad and grandmother. They are both addicts and super religious. Go figure.

 

[Crystal Rose]

I've gone no-contact with her, with a couple slip-ups over the years :( No contact is the only way....

I'm glad you are protecting yourself.

I had been avoiding a 12 step program for a long time mostly because I didn't want to open up that part of me to strangers. The group thing is weird. I feel like there's a lot of wisdom in the one I've been going to though. I used to have a job working for Brits in the film industry and it was lots of wining and dining. My boss even had a kidney stone and ended up in the ER once and I realized what we were doing to our bodies. I've definitely cut back significantly. I don't like feeling like crap.

 

[Eagle3]

Oh, forgot to mention, I'm also 33, and my parents' house is infested with bedbugs....for the last 2 YEARS!! No one is willing to do what it takes to get rid of the nasty things, so all my stuff is in storage until either the bugs are gone, or I can't afford storage anymore. My brother is with me in the quest against the bugs, but we can't make any headway without ripping up carpets and burning the furniture....

That's one problem I have in this place, the other is I tend to drink as a coping mechanism, and my parent's are VERY anti-alcohol in the house. I have to sneak it in, or deal with the looks, the fights, the Scripture-lectures, etc. I don't drink a lot, but when i need to, I need to. So I've switched to chocolate instead of drinking since food is a healthy addiction and alcohol isn't (their logic). This has resulted in significant weight gain.

Yeah, moving back in with parents sucks, but if its gotta happen, best to make the most of it. I wish we were rural, it would be easier to build my own shack to live in, but no such luck...I live in the suburbs, far away from anything I like to do.

 

[Crystal Rose]

I've decided to do it. Negative 20 degrees in January is motivating. I sobbed my eyes out last night and couldn't imagine doing it in winter. I feel like I don't have the means for the move but I'm going to have faith. Changing my scenery even if it doesn't work out there is at least going to propel me forward.

 

[Crystal Rose]

Oh, forgot to mention, I'm also 33, and my parents' house is infested with bedbugs....for the last 2 YEARS...

Bedbugs are awful! My best friend last year dealt with them in her apartment building in LA and I felt terrible for her. Literally carpets and upholstered furniture have to go. It's the only way. I would be drinking too. I would recommend food grade diatomaceous earth to kill them. You might get somewhere with a fogger and constant application. Look it up online for sure!! Food grade is safe for pets which is great.

I look forward to purchasing a camper van and then working remotely from the road and being a drifter. It feels like the west coast has less judgement for that lifestyle in general and I like the idea of having way less stuff weighting me down.

 

[Eagle3]

Good luck with that...I've lived in my truck before, its nice when the weather cooperates! I'd love to own a camper trailer and just travel the US. Maybe in the future...

We've tried the DE, have a huge bucket of it we use to dust the dogs after baths...these bugs are just too entrenched. Mom finally broke down and got real chemicals because I pitched a fit and threatened to burn the furniture or call the health dept. My bro has been on her case too about the roaches in the kitchen (literally in the gaskets of the fridge...its vile), so we're getting something done.