I'm not really sure what I'm looking for here, other than maybe just to be heard. This week has bee one of the worst weeks I've experienced. This morning, I woke up crying for about two and a half hours. I hate it when I can't hold in my loneliness and calling friends or family isn't an option for me.
Yesterday, I had a really bad dissociation and after my PCP (primary doctor) drew blood from me, I was triggered and fainted without completely being unconscious. I was conscious enough to be aware that they were carrying me to a bed. I quickly woke up (within six minutes) and they were curious about me because they've never seen me like that. As I fainted, minutes before that, I saw everything at a distance, like everything was getting darker and fading away.
That night, I went to see my trainer. I texted her beforehand, finally telling her I had PTSD and thought she should know, so instead of working out, we'd just go over nutrition for the night. We sat at the table and she sort of brought it up, asking me if I was doing okay and if I wanted to talk about it with her, I could. I thanked her, but I didn't say much on the topic. This morning, I had this sudden urge to finally let her in, let someone other than my therapist in, because although I think my therapist is amazing and so genuine, it's important to note that I don't see my therapist outside of therapy, so although I'm super fond of the relationship we have, relying only on that wouldn't make me feel good in the long run. With a trainer, there aren't as many boundaries, because you're already pretty much working out with them and anything else is up to the trainee and trainer. I couldn't get myself to text her/tell her and then it's when I think I started breaking down.
I'm not going to lie, I envisioned different ways I could potentially kill myself, because I realized that the one thing I could never do ever since I was abused as a child is talk to someone. I don't know how to talk to people other than formally and in a distant/humorous manner with little to no connections being made unless I'm helping them with something. My therapist made a huge impact on me. A really good impact, which is great. I'm pretty sure she doesn't know, but the only reason I haven't actually done anything to myself is because of the type of person and therapist she is. At the same time, I sort of find it sad that the only time I'm truly happy is when I'm either in session with her, in training with my trainer or home alone. Now, though, this day has made me sink really deep into depression and I'm not sure what to do with myself.
There have been extremes today where I don't feel safe with myself and then minutes later, I feel calm. Then it goes in cycles again, repeating.
Yesterday, I had a really bad dissociation and after my PCP (primary doctor) drew blood from me, I was triggered and fainted without completely being unconscious. I was conscious enough to be aware that they were carrying me to a bed. I quickly woke up (within six minutes) and they were curious about me because they've never seen me like that. As I fainted, minutes before that, I saw everything at a distance, like everything was getting darker and fading away.
That night, I went to see my trainer. I texted her beforehand, finally telling her I had PTSD and thought she should know, so instead of working out, we'd just go over nutrition for the night. We sat at the table and she sort of brought it up, asking me if I was doing okay and if I wanted to talk about it with her, I could. I thanked her, but I didn't say much on the topic. This morning, I had this sudden urge to finally let her in, let someone other than my therapist in, because although I think my therapist is amazing and so genuine, it's important to note that I don't see my therapist outside of therapy, so although I'm super fond of the relationship we have, relying only on that wouldn't make me feel good in the long run. With a trainer, there aren't as many boundaries, because you're already pretty much working out with them and anything else is up to the trainee and trainer. I couldn't get myself to text her/tell her and then it's when I think I started breaking down.
I'm not going to lie, I envisioned different ways I could potentially kill myself, because I realized that the one thing I could never do ever since I was abused as a child is talk to someone. I don't know how to talk to people other than formally and in a distant/humorous manner with little to no connections being made unless I'm helping them with something. My therapist made a huge impact on me. A really good impact, which is great. I'm pretty sure she doesn't know, but the only reason I haven't actually done anything to myself is because of the type of person and therapist she is. At the same time, I sort of find it sad that the only time I'm truly happy is when I'm either in session with her, in training with my trainer or home alone. Now, though, this day has made me sink really deep into depression and I'm not sure what to do with myself.
There have been extremes today where I don't feel safe with myself and then minutes later, I feel calm. Then it goes in cycles again, repeating.
