Sufferer Impostor Syndrome, Cptsd, And Other Things

[henamedmeowl]

I don't know really what to say but here goes I have C-PTSD and Depersonalization / Derealization Disorder. I am a student, a mother, and occasional writer. I was neglected as a child from about 3 to 15 at that point someone decided to keep me and that is when I started experiencing sexual, physical, and emotional abuse from an unrelated male. For the most part my teenage years have been characterized as me being a rebel teen by others.... my story is usually not believed especially because I "function" so well. I should be clear though I want to die daily. I have wanted to die ever since the initial rape. I keep living though because I have little people to take care of and a little girl inside of me that has dreams that I can only provide. Things I am currently trying to achieve. I have been alone for a long time. That feeling where you are with another person and you are alone still...it's the worse but it is how I have been living for the last 12 years or so. Outwardly I appear conventional I think and maybe somewhat quirky/odd...maybe a little dark but goal oriented and driven but inwardly no matter what I achieve I feel like an impostor because I know I want to die and I am sure that the people around me want to live...so it's an act or at least I have to work at it. I should say also that it isn't that I hate life I love it, it's beautiful and I seek out the good and beautiful everyday it's just that I am suffering daily constantly always. The pain is so great that I look forward to the day when I am 90 and this great and rich story is done. There is though something new happening and that is trying to be around people that accept me as I am....and that has given me so much relief that I want to be here and so I continue to cultivate these sorts of relationships. In the meantime though I am going to build my safe place inside myself and my dreams outwardly, what else is there to do?

- Owl

 

[Silver.]

welcome to the forums!

 

[henamedmeowl]

welcome to the forums!

Thanks!

 

[GrayOwl]

The healing power that is contained within this website, those who post and share, those who listen to me, is more curative than I dreamed possible.
I've found support. I've found friends. I've received compassion, understanding, and acceptance.
For the first time in many years I feel that my life is blessed by positive winds of change, from both inside and outside.
I'm beginning to understand and accept the nature of my trauma and abusers. ( Forgiveness not included, though.)
I'm gaining tools with which to shape and heal my life and direction, should I choose to employ them. Although gradual, some of the healing benefits sneak up on me in the form of "Ah Ha" moments - wonderful moments when I realize I am less affected by triggers and memories and something good is happening.
I hope serenity and healing sneak up on you as well. So glad you're here, thank you for your honesty, and your posting.

 

[Kolten]

Looks to me like ur off to a more than great start just by being here and sharing that very personal part of you. Keep talking. Keep listening. Take one day at a time and find comfort in knowing u aren't alone.

 

[Gs172003]

The healing power that is contained within this website, those who post and share, those who listen to...

Agreed!!!

 

[henamedmeowl]

@GrayOwl Thanks, so far I have experienced some of the things you talk about I hope to continue to do so and to heal as well. Just from reading past posts too I have learned so much and figured out different ways of healing...I think was is also really helpful to me is knowing I am not alone in my experiences.

@Kolten I will keep talking and listening like you suggest and keep remembering that I am not alone :-)

 

[Kolten]

Sometimes listening is as good of a comfort or better I have found than anything! Pm me anytime if u need someone to talk to!

 

[7Cs]

I just wanted to let you know that I can relate.

((((gentle hugs)))) if that's ok...

 

[henamedmeowl]

@Kolten thank you

@7Cs gentle hugs are good...and um thank you for sharing that I am having a sorta hard day today and it's good to know that someone else can understand and relate maybe one day we can talk about how things and are lives are similar

 

[StarChild]

Welcome to the forum @henamedmeowl! Could help me understand, what an impostor syndrome is? And how one does get it?

 

[henamedmeowl]

impostor syndrome

Impostor syndrome can be defined as a collection of feelings of inadequacy that persist even in face of information that indicates that the opposite is true. It is experienced internally as chronic self-doubt, and feelings of intellectual fraudulence.

I should point out is it not recognized as a clinical psychological disorder. It is a set of feelings that is referred to as Impostor Syndrome.