Feeling Alone

[BoN-bOn]

I have 2 sisters that live close to me. I am the youngest & they are 10 & 8 years older. When I moved here 3 years ago, I thought that we could all be close....help one another with our kids, have girls' nights, etc. I realized quickly that wasn't going to happen. They didn't want to help me with my child at all & made that very clear from the beginning. As a nurse in a new town with a new job & an 11-year-old, I was devastated. I continued to make do on my own, without anyone's help & started to withdraw. I still attended their kids sporting events, birthdays, holidays, etc. I know that they have busy lives & husbands & kids to take care of, but it wasn't like I was demanding a lot from them. I would have helped them if they had needed it. I would STILL do anything for them! I realized that they (my two sisters) were spending a lot of time together & not including me, & that hurt also.

Since my serious problems have started, they have offered their support although they really do not understand. I have opened up to them a little. I found out today that they went together to decorate for my nephew's proposal to his girlfriend last night. I wasn't even told anything about it until after the fact & my sister tried to hide the fact that she was there. Maybe I'm just being oversensitive at the moment because I feel like my world is falling apart, but that HURT! I swallowed my tears until I got home. I would love to be included in their lives, but I guess it's always been that way. I'm just not sure where someone is supposed to get support when you don't trust anyone. I don't even trust my own judgement when it comes to trusting anymore!

 

[Silver.]

I too am the baby, with two older sisters (5 years up and then almost 8 years up). I could have written this. The way my life turned out, left my child out of a lot of family events, so they just started doing things without us.
It totally, completely sucks, because it makes you feel like you are a family of just you and your child, and you have to learn to forge ahead and make your own little family.
I am so sorry you are going through this and don't really have any advice other than to make the most of your own little family, and to let you know you are not alone x

 

[BoN-bOn]

@Silver. Thank you! It is very hard. Especially since I moved my life here to be closer to them. Just because I have "PTSD" does not mean that I don't enjoy doing fun things! I NEED to get out of the house & be involved in things. It's nice to at least be invited & to know that you're thought of & wanted, especially during the hard days. I don't really have any friends here, because I tend to attract people who aren't good for me (drinkers/partiers) so I've isolated myself from them. I have started attending a bible study that's been really good for me, but I'm so afraid to open up to people, & honestly I'm still very shy.

 

[Silver.]

I am insanely shy (certainly does it seem it because I talk sooo much here), crazy social anxiety, and stir that in with PTSD? pish
My family is from this town, I moved here in August of last year for better schooling, better town, new environment etc. I haven't met anyone. I've run into one of my cousins once, and that was last week! (and boy was that awkward).
I think it's really important to keep up hope, to look for friends in places you wouldn't normally look (I think that's the reason we always tend to meet the same kinds of people, we always look in the same places eh?). A bible study is a great start. I do think you will get there, but making friends is hard and certainly going to take time.
I completely understand where you are coming from because it gets really lonely. But know that you are off to a good start getting out there and trying to make a good life for you and your child x

 

[Friday]

Is part of this just different life stages, perhaps? Even highschool vs middle school can make getting the kids together largely pointless, as the kids are rarely socializing across that age gap... But if were talking elementary school vs highschool or old enough to be proposing marriage??? That's a radically different part of parenting.

I was the first of my friends to have kids, in this area, by about 10 years. One thing I've noticed they really don't get is a) how much "different" it is to be parenting older kids (not easier, exactly, some things are easier / some are harder; mostly just different)... At least not until their other friends start having kids 5&10 years younger than theirs... And all of a sudden it clicks. Being asked to take care of a toddler when their kids are in middle school? Radically different needs. Being asked to take care of a toddler when their kids are in elementary, is even harder, though, in some ways. Our own kids ages feel "easy" in a lot of ways, because we're used to them. Once we start doing multi-age gatherings, though? Oy! It gets hard.

The best way around this, I've found, is to remove the kids from the equation. While they can suffer though big gatherings of everyone occasionally, or adapt really quickly to living in multiple ages (even shortish things like a few weeks camping, or daily things like multiage schools), the regular getting together for parents to socialize? Is just really hard on them. Older kids feel like babysitters, younger kids feel left out, parents get all stressed out, and no one's happy. Remove the kids, however? Meet up after bedtimes, or while the kids are in school? Voila. Actual grown-up time. :D The inherant problem with this, is people are busy. Work, school, homework, sports... Parenting calendars fill up so fast that it can be hard to schedule 1:1 time with your kid, or with your spouse! Much less maintain friendships. Phones can help. A may be stuck at the house because kids in bed, while B may be stuck in the house because kid's on a date and due home shortly and there just isn't enough time to go somewhere, and C may be dealing with kids until after A&B are both in bed themselves to get ready for work the next day, and then bored out of their minds. But is free for an hour the next day while B has an hour lunch. So A&B can ring each other while they're both stuck at home, and C can ring A or B on their lunch break the next day... It allows for staying connected.

So when you add all these things together, I'm just wondering how much is really personal... And how much is just normal busy lives, and kids at different stages?

 

[BoN-bOn]

I am insanely shy (certainly does it seem it because I talk sooo much here), crazy social anxiety, and...

I am the same...much easier to hide behind the computer & type out my feelings than to share them face to face with others! :) Thank you so much for commenting! It does help to know that there is someone out there who understands! You hang in there too!

 

[BoN-bOn]

Is part of this just different life stages, perhaps? Even highschool vs middle school can make getting t...

Many of the kids are very close to the same age & love being around each other. They attend the same school now & they are all old enough now that they don't have to be supervised all of the time...all teenagers. A few of them are much older, but they've always gotten along & enjoy doing things together. I've had a houseful of them many times & never had any problem with them. Sometimes I think my sister thinks my son is "different" because he has grown up without a father, which is really sad because he's such an awesome kid...just like everyone else. She has the "perfect" life with the "perfect" little family & I'm just the single mom struggling to get by. I get that they are busy, I'm busy too....the only thing that bothers me is that my son & I both get left out of a lot of things. Sometimes important things, that I would love to be a part of...like my nephew's proposal. My son was gone last night to the homecoming dance & I was just sitting here alone :(

 

[heyheyhey]

Many of the kids are very close to the same age & love being around each other. They attend the same s...

Hi BoN-bOn, sorry to hear about things with your sisters. Do you have any hobbies that you enjoy? The website Meet Up is a good place to meet new people who share interests :). I've recently joined a dance class and a meditation class and I find they are good ways to meet people, I also have friends at the place where I volunteer :).

For confidence and social anxiety, I have used cognitive behavioural therapy - which has helped me sooooo much, but still need to work on my self-esteem and trust issues. I'd really recommend it :).

 

[BoN-bOn]

Hi BoN-bOn, sorry to hear about things with your sisters. Do you have any hobbies that you enjoy? The...

I need to join something where I can meet new people...My therapist's daughter teaches a group yoga class (she does talk therapy yoga too--kind of interesting). I have a lot of work friends/nurse friends....but nurses tend to like to drink a lot & I'm trying to steer clear of that right now! Thank you for your suggestions!

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

Being rejected by family is hard.

Maybe I'm not able to see the full picture because my family member in question lives so far away. This person has largely rejected the FOO for the family married into-----and it just plain hurts. It hurts all of us in the FOO, some are just in denial about the situation though. I'm skeptical things will ever improve. :-/

 

[BoN-bOn]

:hug:

Being rejected by family is hard.

Maybe I'm not able to see the full picture because my...

It does hurt. I do hope things improve for you. I know that I will love my sisters no matter what & maybe I will get the courage to explain to them how they make me feel sometimes. I have a hard time expressing my feelings...just bottle it all up & keep it to myself because I don't want to make anyone mad or hurt anyone's feelings. I've always adored them both & looked up to them.

 

[Deleted member 37579]

@BoN-bOn I can relate so much. I guess we all need to learn how to express our feelings.