I seem to entertain impulsivity but not always follow through with the plan. I lived a VERY VERY suppressed life.. so this is an issue for me because I am no longer imprisoned I want to taste, smell, experience things that I never was able to before. It's like all the kids are screaming come on! Let's go!.. and you give in to shut the screaming toddlers up. Feelings of need for instant gratification, happiness, action, engaging, stimulation, fun, joy can turn my throw caution to the wind meter out the f*cking window.. luckily it still has a string attached so I can slowly real it back in.
When this gets ramped up I cannot always abstain.. or maybe that's just the choice I make.. Perhaps this means to go shopping and fill up my cart... then empty it back out and walk out with nothing... obsessing over art supplies and filling an online cart only to delete it later, or it means purposefully coming home later than scheduled because it's been a stressful hard week and I think I deserve to have a couple more hours of free time.. Going to a bar because I want the jazzed atmosphere and to talk to a person for fun but choosing to drink club soda instead of liquor.. other times I put it to work.. in researching.. sometimes researching things that are relevant to a situation I'm in or something I am curious about.. just a few forms... I try to create situations where the energy can go somewhere but in a safe non detrimental way. Sometimes this also translates into massive bouts of creativity and creative expression.. so I'll paint, write music, write poetry, actively seek out to make people laugh so I can laugh.. choose to engage with other people I care about with the intention of making them feel good and lighthearted and sometimes write funny stuff and make myself laugh at myself and my own goofiness and then instantly want and will share it even if it may not be appropriate or appreciated. Which can be bad especially if regected. OUCH ON THE WAKeup CALL!.. immediately following an Instant depressive spiral until I find my feet again.. all the kids crying in feelings of abandonment, rejection and shame. (If you ever saw me through a crack in the door I guarantee instant laughter and by scratching your head followed by ducking out the door) ;)
while in this impulsivity state i'm jazzed! bursting with energy! but soon after giving in just a bit and busying myself the feeling passes eventually and I have ridden it out without going too overboard... it's like having kids in the back seat on a car ride. All excited to go somewhere!.. only for them to pass out in a nap on the way there and then when the getting to "there" happens they look around and think?.. this? I was excited about this?.. then say. This is boring mom...Can we go home now?.. and all the way home. Are we there yet?.. I got to pee! I'm hungry.. Are we there? Are we home? Hurry.. squirrel oh there's another squirrel! ah......home.
