Compulsive Lying

[Eri]

Experiencing physical pain is how empathy is defined?

Sometimes. Not always. Feeling severe mental pain for another is. Like I feel real emotional pain for those on here and they are technically strangers to me.

 

[Cizumu]

Bear with me here, a moment;

I tend to go the other way, I get compulsively honest. I just DGAF. It takes real concentr...

I think I understand what you're saying and I think I can say that this friend I have is sort of like my outlet. I'm practicing how to be honest with her and I will admit that it's not easy. I don't like being vulnerable and lying has become a defense mechanism. But I knew I might lie impulsively to defend myself, so I've told her ahead of time a few of things I do when I'm lying or I'll sometimes even impulsively add at the end, "I'm lying by the way." My lying with her has definitely decreased and I'm trying to stay honest with her. I am even open to her about the difficulties of being honest with her... She's an amazing person and so understanding. She's the complete opposite of me which is probably what makes me interested in her. The fact that she is.. the perfect person almost. She has a lot of empathy for others. She cries from watching a documentary and I find how her brain works, fascinating.

 

[Ejo]

Some are small and it really doesn't matter, but one day I slipped and gave in; I told her a somewhat big lie.

What does lying serve for you? To what purpose you're lying?

Since I assume it's no longer a survival mechanism, more something you keep doing out of habit and what sounds like boredom.

Boredom can be filled in by so many other things that aren't pathological, and doesn't have to lead anywhere criminal, either.

Not making excuses for it is a good start. I know. It's difficult. But since when was anything worth it in life easy.

 

[Lica]

That's the thing. I don't lie to feel like I'm better than anyone. I just do it because I'm bored. Sometimes I don't even think about it and it's like verbal diarrhea haha. I just sputter out a lie without even realizing it sometimes.

Hi this is Oro here (post 12)
This answers my question I think. I hope people don't climb on the bandwagon here in response to what I'm going to say as you have a right to be heard properly here and I want to support your honesty. I believe in the ability of people to change and I believe in the ability of people to choose better paths in life.

Sociopathy is associated with a low ability to feel emotions for people (emotional empathy) and high ability to figure out peoples state of mind (cognitive empathy or theory of mind). Its also associated with painful boredom which often is the driving force behind maladaptive behaviours. Sociopathy is way more common than people realise and it does not mean that someone will be going out there trying to physically harm others. People are going to find it hard to separate this from their own experiences when they have been on the receiving end of behaviours.

I think most compulsive liars are driven by self esteem issues and even anxiety. Sociopathy is mostly characterised by boredom and manipulative or harmful behaviours are usually an attempt to relieve it.

I have seen that there is evidence that there is a choice involved when it comes to emotional empathy. That it is possible to switch it back on. Do you think you "chose" to switch it off at some point as a result of trauma? Please try to stay honest here. For yourself. You obviously feel empathy for this girl and her goodness is having an influence on you, Possibly a healing one.

 

[Cizumu]

You will get caught. You don't think you will but you will. It could take years but it will happen. And it won't end well...

I am aware of the risks and downfalls. The flaws of lying. So whenever I lie I take into accountability what may happen if I am caught and how I will handle the situation. Again, that is why when I lie, it's nothing big. It's sometimes just superficial things or an opinion on something that can't be proven by any other source but my persistence and stability, or how I follow through. Something that can't be proven by other people unless I've decided to deceive them as well knowing that they can be a source for others to go to and confirm my "truth." (An example would be telling one person I'm allergic to peanuts, then eating a peanut in front of someone else, making sure to eat something I actually am allergic to quickly beforehand, and the other will see the reaction, causing them to fully believe my lie about allergy. So now the new person, who I just told about, if need be can go to the one who experienced the reaction.)

 

[Pisos]

I don't make lies to make myself higher than others.

That's the thing though, this isn't about direct power.

Power can be understood as coming from the fact of lying; power to deceive, power to obscure, power to spin reality. It's not about if you also do it exactly for the power - that power is ingrained in lying itself, it's how you employ it after from that point that differs.

 

[Cizumu]

You need to work on that. Caring about how others feel is paramount to ending this cycle

But I don't see what's so.. important about caring for others? I mean, I can fake it just fine and people actually think I care. Of course depending on the person, I'll manage how much compassion I'll offer, but if people think you care then I don't see why I should try working toward actual caring for strangers when I am able to care for those I truly love and actually enjoy.

 

[Cizumu]

You didn't say that. You said you cared for this one person. Nobody else.
Having no empathy is something that can be c...

Yes, the other few people I care about is the friend's mother and younger brother. Not as much as my friend, but the mother and younger brother are quite entertaining themselves.

 

[Adi]

I think some of us here may be able to identify with being good at lying to keep from getting "in trouble," or saying what we think people want to hear, even if it isn't the truth. When I got into some legal trouble recently, I was certainly not totally honest with myself or others in an attempt to only say what I thought they wanted to hear & leave me alone. I learned during my childhood & also during my marriage to be able to discern others' emotions & behaviors & try to make them happy. I knew it was best to remain "under the radar." The thing is....I'm horrible at lying. My conscience won't let me do it, & the truth usually comes pouring out eventually. In my case recently, I didn't want them digging into my past to find out why I was being so self-destructive. I didn't want anyone knowing anything about me. Once they had an idea,....well, it ALL came pouring out. I certainly think compulsive lying is something that can be fixed with a lot of work. Keep working with your therapist. It's not fair for you to hurt others in an attempt to cope with your own hurt, just as it is not fair for me to hurt myself & self-destruct. No one is judging, but you could do some serious damage to people.

 

[Vupik]

Oro again.
Yes what you describe feeling for your girlfriend is definitely emotional empathy. That means you are capable of it.

 

[Cizumu]

Hi this is Oro here (post 12)
This answers my question I think. I hope people don't climb on the bandwagon here in respo...

That's a very interesting topic you brought up, about the trauma and that is reminding me about my dissociative episodes and thinking back to the few memories I have as a child. I remember when I was beaten, I can't recall any emotions I may have experienced except for when I was very very young.. when it all started. I remember crying and being frustrated and my mother would see that. She would punish me for showing sadness or inappropriate happiness. She expected me to act like an adult when I was in kindergarten. I was to stay respectful and quiet so to not embarrass her or myself. I've learned that if I get good at lying and learn to not be emotionally affected by her, her beatings will be shorter.

 

[Uza]

why I should try working toward actual caring for strangers when I am able to care for those I truly love and actually enjoy.

Because those people you enjoy were once strangers.

You're closing your own door if you don't care for strangers at all; you never get to meet how wonderful people they are (or, how useful to you they can be, if that's your take.) It's being selective and ignoring there's more options.