Dom Violence Family Abused Me Over And Over, But According To Everyone Who Knows Us, **im** The Problem

[foreveralone2099]

my mom is a bipolar sadist whose bad moods were always my fault. my dad made excuses for her temper and watched silently and she, and later my brother, punched, bit, kicked and insulted me.

i entered adulthood, shy, terribly insecure, and with a fear of anyone touching me. i let people take advantage of me again and again, because i felt i deserved it. when i got sick and had to leave school they cut me off financially for a while so as to punish me and then stopped paying my doctors bills. when i confront them about this behavior it's still all my fault.

i begged the police for help, but my parents say i am the bad, crazy one and they believe me. everyone who knew my parents thought they were good. they were smart, successful, goodlooking. i was the bad kid who never quite made it. but really i was the lightning rod for their dysfunction, a role i continue to play throughout my life. at work, at school, i am the bad, lazy one, the slut who angered the nice young man into hitting her, the drudge who can't get the glasses clean just so.

there's a certain degree of wisdom that comes with suffering, and it bothers me sometimes that my cynicism is seen as dangerous. i've been victimized sexually on middle-aged men and now i know how to flip the tables. the same to unethical employers and abusive managers; i play their game much better than they do now.

this knowledge of dysfunction leaves one cold, bitter and callous and many days i wake up in the morning finding that i don't like myself much anymore; i don't like the person who i have become.

 

[EveHarrington]

Want to know the truth?

If you don't like who you've become, you can always change. It may not be easy, but it can/will be worth it.

:hug:

I'm sorry about your family. You deserve to be treated better!

 

[Freedomfighter]

That is my only solace, to keep financial freedom so no one can use money to hold that over my head, however the bosses at work act as if they have a right to withhold that financial freedom. They are sick people.

 

[Muttly]

I sometimes feel like some of the bigger hurt is how ignored my abuse was. My mom knew what my dad was doing. my parents knew how my brother abused me. people outside the family saw stuff that should have made them wonder, but no one ever took it seriously. I was just a needy, whiny kid. it's a trauma on top of the trauma

I am so sorry you experienced that. you did not deserve it.

And, I agree with EveHarrington, change is hard work but it is possible

 

[Sideways]

You have insight - that means that you're a lot further along the path to becoming who you want to be than you seem to give yourself credit for.

I'm the first one to admit that practising self-compassion is hard work. And with a history of abuse on board, we can not only be really unforgiving of ourselves, but we also tend to be hyper-aware of behaviours we don't like. And certainly my head loves nothing more than to take opportunities to beat myself up when I fall short of my own standards.

But no one is perfect. And the path to recovery from abuse can take us all over the place. So over-compensating for what happened to you, putting yourself in a position where you feel in control of the situation for once? The behaviour you're describing isn't great, but it's understandable given where you're coming from.

When it comes to healing, learning healthy coping techniques, very few people get it right first time. So go easy on yourself. Take it day by day, one situation to the next. Try and allow yourself to be imperfect, and use the insight (so valuable!) that you have to write yourself an internal memo: I don't like what I did there, so I'll do it differently next time I'm confronted with those emotions.

 

[foreveralone2099]

no one ever took it seriously. I was just a needy, whiny kid. it's a trauma on top of the trauma

i used to work with kids like you, and i could always tell. burned me right out of teaching. **internet hugs** to you for your considerable emotional pain.

So over-compensating for what happened to you, putting yourself in a position where you feel in control of the situation for once? The behaviour you're describing isn't great, but it's understandable given where you're coming from.

i guess there's this burden on women that we have to be good, that we have to be caring. and it's freeing not to be that person. part of me wonders why i should even f*ckin bother when everyone else is so corrupt, but sometimes, when you meet someone who is good, you have to say to yourself, "this is not that pattern, and i have some kind of responsibility to not treat this like i would those who have hurt me".

or maybe there is no responsibility at all, i don't know.