My husband and I go to the same T. Ive been going to her longer and she has become a tremendous source of support to me. While she has been on vacation, he has been more or less relentless in his narcissistic behavior towards me. He has even gone to the extent of quoting how she told him to handle certain issues with me that don't ring true or have been misconstrued from how she said or intended it. I'm at a loss, I'm overwhelmed and feel paralyzed. I don't know why I was unprepared and didn't see this coming. I feel like I'm suffocating...
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Narc Husband Part Back On Attack While Therapist Is On Vacation...
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lostforgottensoul
VIP Member
Why stay married? I'm sorry if that sounds rash but he sounds abusive. What does your therapist think of this behavior in relation to staying married?
I'm sorry you are dealing with this! It's sounds rough and impossible! :hug:
I'm sorry you are dealing with this! It's sounds rough and impossible! :hug:
AngelKeeperJ
Sponsor
:hug: Gia :hug:
I am SO SORRY...he is being a horse's rear end! I would certainly let her know exactly what has happened. I would think that his behavior would indicate that he should go to another therapist.
In my opinion, it would be difficult and wrong for her to support his behavior. He should "pay the price " for his disrespect of YOU, and HER! He is deliberately misusing her input, and that is ENTIRELY WRONG!!! He should "pay the price", by no longer receiving her treatment. Period. It's now a "conflict of interest."
If possible, can you avoid him, or walk away when he starts his bullying? Ignore his
"baiting for conflict" if you can? I don't think that you could have "seen it coming" since it sounds like he had been "behaving" or pretending to be better before she left. I probably would have let my guard down as well. This is NOT YOUR FAULT!
:hug: Hang in there! Hopefully, she will be back soon. :hug:
Blessings and Peace to you!!!
AKJ
I am SO SORRY...he is being a horse's rear end! I would certainly let her know exactly what has happened. I would think that his behavior would indicate that he should go to another therapist.
In my opinion, it would be difficult and wrong for her to support his behavior. He should "pay the price " for his disrespect of YOU, and HER! He is deliberately misusing her input, and that is ENTIRELY WRONG!!! He should "pay the price", by no longer receiving her treatment. Period. It's now a "conflict of interest."
If possible, can you avoid him, or walk away when he starts his bullying? Ignore his
"baiting for conflict" if you can? I don't think that you could have "seen it coming" since it sounds like he had been "behaving" or pretending to be better before she left. I probably would have let my guard down as well. This is NOT YOUR FAULT!
:hug: Hang in there! Hopefully, she will be back soon. :hug:
Blessings and Peace to you!!!
AKJ
- Post starter
- #4
I appreciate your question and often ask myself that same question. It does feel impossible at times...
Read below: the conflicted thoughts of my parts:
Sometimes I want to leave, but I've left before with the kids and still have flashbacks of their faces and I remember vividly the pain they went through. Let's just say it brought out the worst in him... I'm afraid of the monster he can morph into. Afraid of his using the kids, he's done it before, to torture me. I'm strong, but not that strong to deal with what I would be facing on a long term basis.
I stay, because he is not just going to therapy he's trying. I stay, because he's going to the most capable therapist I've ever known. And I stay, because I believe God can and does change and heal people. BUT, if he refuses help I will leave.
My T has shown support for both viewpoints. From my understanding my T thinks it's a part of him that is like this (narcissism). We didn't even discuss the possibility of him regressing like this or this part being on the attack while she's gone. He is fully aware of how important she is to me and my well being.
Read below: the conflicted thoughts of my parts:
Sometimes I want to leave, but I've left before with the kids and still have flashbacks of their faces and I remember vividly the pain they went through. Let's just say it brought out the worst in him... I'm afraid of the monster he can morph into. Afraid of his using the kids, he's done it before, to torture me. I'm strong, but not that strong to deal with what I would be facing on a long term basis.
I stay, because he is not just going to therapy he's trying. I stay, because he's going to the most capable therapist I've ever known. And I stay, because I believe God can and does change and heal people. BUT, if he refuses help I will leave.
My T has shown support for both viewpoints. From my understanding my T thinks it's a part of him that is like this (narcissism). We didn't even discuss the possibility of him regressing like this or this part being on the attack while she's gone. He is fully aware of how important she is to me and my well being.
RecedingMoonlight
Silver Member
Unfortunately, my friend, this is where you set VERY hard boundaries, especially if your husband is narcissistic. Tell him that you refuse to be treated the way he does. If he refuses to compromise, listen to you, or continues his set of behaviors, regardless of what 'conversation' you are in, turn around and walk away, abruptly. Anywhere, really - just away. The bathroom, outside, interrupt the conversation by saying you'll be to the store and back and distance yourself from your husband doing these things. Just put your hand up, say that you just remembered you need to pick something up, and that you can both resume this conversation at a different point in time. Putting your foot down and not even letting him sidle across the line in the sand, not even a LITTLE bit, might teach him and let him know that if he continues to act or say something the way he does, then you will not listen. You won't even give him an emotional or angry reaction - you'll just vanish, therefore not giving him any attention or reaction he might want.
Also, I find it very, very strange that your therapist would say to him, "This is how you handle a situation with her." Mainly because, one, a therapist revealing personal information or coping methods for how to help you without your personal consent is a violation of privacy laws, and two, the fact that he's narcissistic already makes my eyes narrow and sends me red flags that he may be lying to you for the sole reason of 'wanting to be right' in an argument.
Please be careful, friend. The fact that you have kids also has me worried. I hope he is not verbally hurting the children either. Unfortunately that can happen.
Also, I find it very, very strange that your therapist would say to him, "This is how you handle a situation with her." Mainly because, one, a therapist revealing personal information or coping methods for how to help you without your personal consent is a violation of privacy laws, and two, the fact that he's narcissistic already makes my eyes narrow and sends me red flags that he may be lying to you for the sole reason of 'wanting to be right' in an argument.
Please be careful, friend. The fact that you have kids also has me worried. I hope he is not verbally hurting the children either. Unfortunately that can happen.
- Post starter
- #6
Thank you. I like your quote btw!
I have spent more time away, especially today... I hate the feeling of eggshells. I set a pretty firm boundary (finally) with him this morning and he kept pushing until I left and now he's just ignoring me so it's just the uncomfortable silence and I don't feel like doing anything and can't concentrate.
Justmehere
Sponsor
Is the therapist a couples therapist? If not, it would be ideal if one of you found your own therapist separate from the one you have in common, so you can have someone totally there for just you.... instead of him destroying the therapeutic relationship between you and your therapist... but things are as they are. Narcissists are very difficult to treat, because they generally don't think they need help.
I agree that it's time for some boundaries. If/when he tries this again, you can tell him that what happens in his therapy sessions stays between him and the therapist. Tell him clearly you will not engage or speak with him when he brings up the therapist and what he claims she says. And walk away. Act bored.
Do the same with his cold shoulder passive aggressive act.
Do you have friends to spend time with or some other fun activity you can do? maybe with the kids? play dates?
Narcissists want a rise out of people they treat this way.... so don't give him that, as much as possible. Set the boundary and disengage from the blah environment -- but don't stop there. Find something that does help you feel joy and connect to friends and healthier relationships (platonic ones of course).
I agree that it's time for some boundaries. If/when he tries this again, you can tell him that what happens in his therapy sessions stays between him and the therapist. Tell him clearly you will not engage or speak with him when he brings up the therapist and what he claims she says. And walk away. Act bored.
Do the same with his cold shoulder passive aggressive act.
Do you have friends to spend time with or some other fun activity you can do? maybe with the kids? play dates?
Narcissists want a rise out of people they treat this way.... so don't give him that, as much as possible. Set the boundary and disengage from the blah environment -- but don't stop there. Find something that does help you feel joy and connect to friends and healthier relationships (platonic ones of course).
I think it would be a conflict of interested to see the two of your separately. The setting boundaries that you can sounds like good advice. I understand not having the energy to leave if the pushback will be too much. At the same time, the fact that you fear that kind of reaction from your husband suggests that there is not the kind of trust or consistency of behavior needed from a partner.
I wish you well and hope that you find the support you need to take care of yourself and the kids.
I wish you well and hope that you find the support you need to take care of yourself and the kids.
GrayOwl
Gold Member
If he's still ignoring you then he's still playing "the game".
He's still trying to exercise narcissistic control over you, the kids, the environment.
It's still a "control" issue. That is the narcissists game. And if he's doing it, he's playing the game, rather he knows it or not.
Narcissists rarely improve quickly. Why? Because their system works for them and its the only way they know how to have security in their life. Some more severe cases engage in the game to destructive and even fatal consequences.
Your S/O sounds like he may be trying? You sound hopeful.
I am not a trained therapist. My thoughts are only from personal experiences and trauma I have endured at the hands of brutal narcissism.
I couldn't agree with Moonlight or JustMe anymore. 1,000%.
Draw a line in the sand. It is not to be crossed. Don't make ultimatums you can't or won't keep.
Narcissism is a poison not to be swallowed. It affects all of you and has no positive outcome except for the narcissist who gets a false and fleeting sense of victory - it only eggs them on.
I suggest honesty. And gentle understanding. And compassion.
If you can muster those then you are a strong person and then you are probably using tools that your therapist is trying to instill in you.
Maybe???:
Tell him gently how you think he is behaving. (Don't threaten or corner him.) Ask him to think about it and suggest the two of you could have a quiet time together (over coffee, somewhere neutral, no kids??) tonight or tomorrow to discuss it. Tell him it is what you would like to see happen. (It's ok to show you care.) Tell him you think his behavior is counter productive and destructive - that it does hurt you - and the relationship. Tell him you'd like to help him and yourselves to have a better relationship.
Now, you're done. Don't project the results. It is entirely up to him to decide if he wants to be part of a relationship or continue being a turd.
It doesn't hurt to outline either that if his current pattern of behavior persists, you will have to protect yourself and your children from hurtful behavior(again - don't threaten - just tell him you'll all need some distance to protect yourself.)
Document. Don't be afraid, if necessary, to let him know that you are documenting his behavior. If he becomes violent or aggressive, leave.
OF PARAMOUNT IMPORTANCE: ALWAYS HAVE ESCAPE ROUTES PLANNED AND OPEN. ALWAYS HAVE SUPPORT MECHANISMS (family, friends, neighbors, police, social workers, therapist, us-here at ptsd) AVAILABLE. DO NOT EVER UNDERESTIMATE THE IMPORTANCE OF THIS WHEN DEALING WITH NARCISSISM.
I have federal court orders and documentation on file with police and lawyers just to get into my workplace - and still I am not immune from the clutches of my narcissist. Unfortunately my life depends on my insurance and pension for a few more years.
I wish you well. I wish all of you healing and serenity. It is a tough situation.
No one has the right to mistreat you - emotionally, martially, etc. You should not feel you ever have to endure that crap. PERIOD. But you sound like a kind and sensitive person. And there are always reasons to seek the middle road......kids, finances, security, marriage itself. Only you can be the judge - but please nip narcissism in the bud. Draw the line. If he crosses - protect yourself !
PostNote: I really don't know any situations where a T can openly and honestly "separately" help two people with opposing issues.
It's like two people using the same divorce lawyer. Or a court case where an attorney is both the prosecution and defense attorney. It doesn't work. There needs to be complete openness and honesty with a T. And in any relationship - no matter how totally hard you try - it's just human nature to try to manipulate and get your side of the equation fulfilled and met. You both do it. Your therapist really can't walk that line and do both of you justice. If she's that good, she must know a referral that one of you could see.
Marriage counselling, I can see using a common T. But personal and relationship and ptsd counselling - she needs to be there for you at all times - and she can't be the referee for two people and be there for both at the same time.
Just my thoughts. I hope things work out for you.
Be careful. And BE SAFE !!
He's still trying to exercise narcissistic control over you, the kids, the environment.
It's still a "control" issue. That is the narcissists game. And if he's doing it, he's playing the game, rather he knows it or not.
Narcissists rarely improve quickly. Why? Because their system works for them and its the only way they know how to have security in their life. Some more severe cases engage in the game to destructive and even fatal consequences.
Your S/O sounds like he may be trying? You sound hopeful.
I am not a trained therapist. My thoughts are only from personal experiences and trauma I have endured at the hands of brutal narcissism.
I couldn't agree with Moonlight or JustMe anymore. 1,000%.
Draw a line in the sand. It is not to be crossed. Don't make ultimatums you can't or won't keep.
Narcissism is a poison not to be swallowed. It affects all of you and has no positive outcome except for the narcissist who gets a false and fleeting sense of victory - it only eggs them on.
I suggest honesty. And gentle understanding. And compassion.
If you can muster those then you are a strong person and then you are probably using tools that your therapist is trying to instill in you.
Maybe???:
Tell him gently how you think he is behaving. (Don't threaten or corner him.) Ask him to think about it and suggest the two of you could have a quiet time together (over coffee, somewhere neutral, no kids??) tonight or tomorrow to discuss it. Tell him it is what you would like to see happen. (It's ok to show you care.) Tell him you think his behavior is counter productive and destructive - that it does hurt you - and the relationship. Tell him you'd like to help him and yourselves to have a better relationship.
Now, you're done. Don't project the results. It is entirely up to him to decide if he wants to be part of a relationship or continue being a turd.
It doesn't hurt to outline either that if his current pattern of behavior persists, you will have to protect yourself and your children from hurtful behavior(again - don't threaten - just tell him you'll all need some distance to protect yourself.)
Document. Don't be afraid, if necessary, to let him know that you are documenting his behavior. If he becomes violent or aggressive, leave.
OF PARAMOUNT IMPORTANCE: ALWAYS HAVE ESCAPE ROUTES PLANNED AND OPEN. ALWAYS HAVE SUPPORT MECHANISMS (family, friends, neighbors, police, social workers, therapist, us-here at ptsd) AVAILABLE. DO NOT EVER UNDERESTIMATE THE IMPORTANCE OF THIS WHEN DEALING WITH NARCISSISM.
I have federal court orders and documentation on file with police and lawyers just to get into my workplace - and still I am not immune from the clutches of my narcissist. Unfortunately my life depends on my insurance and pension for a few more years.
I wish you well. I wish all of you healing and serenity. It is a tough situation.
No one has the right to mistreat you - emotionally, martially, etc. You should not feel you ever have to endure that crap. PERIOD. But you sound like a kind and sensitive person. And there are always reasons to seek the middle road......kids, finances, security, marriage itself. Only you can be the judge - but please nip narcissism in the bud. Draw the line. If he crosses - protect yourself !
PostNote: I really don't know any situations where a T can openly and honestly "separately" help two people with opposing issues.
It's like two people using the same divorce lawyer. Or a court case where an attorney is both the prosecution and defense attorney. It doesn't work. There needs to be complete openness and honesty with a T. And in any relationship - no matter how totally hard you try - it's just human nature to try to manipulate and get your side of the equation fulfilled and met. You both do it. Your therapist really can't walk that line and do both of you justice. If she's that good, she must know a referral that one of you could see.
Marriage counselling, I can see using a common T. But personal and relationship and ptsd counselling - she needs to be there for you at all times - and she can't be the referee for two people and be there for both at the same time.
Just my thoughts. I hope things work out for you.
Be careful. And BE SAFE !!
- Post starter
- #10
I trust my therapist completely. I heard what he said as him using a tactic. We are each seeing her mainly individually, truly she's the best one to treat him, because she's knowledgable in this area and aware. He's conned many therapist's before, but she's knows my concerns. I am concerned about my kids and now that I'm aware I'm viligent about this and their exposure to his behavior. This really does suck though. I appreciate your tips and support:)
- Post starter
- #11
Thank you, you've made some good points...
GrayOwl
Gold Member
Cool.
There are no hard and fast rules.
It could really work out great.
It sucks, yes.... but I recall a saying:
"That which does not destroy you, will make you stronger."
Life is a journey, so amongst the stress, take some time for you and the kids to enjoy.
Again, best wishes.
There are no hard and fast rules.
It could really work out great.
It sucks, yes.... but I recall a saying:
"That which does not destroy you, will make you stronger."
Life is a journey, so amongst the stress, take some time for you and the kids to enjoy.
Again, best wishes.
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