Don't Know Where To Post This

[saraemerald]

So lately, because of my anxiety, on my days off work, I'm typically OK because I have no obligations except for the norm, but once I have to go to work, I find I am doing all I can to survive each day and sleep enough to have enough energy and some motivation to do my job and then go home. Not exactly where I want to be in life. I used to be able to accomplish so much more in one day. Now because of my experience the last few years, my idealistic motivation I used to have for life is barely there and not enough for me to move forward in my life.
I find myself constantly ruminating about my random, unexpected, self destructive behavior during the last few years of my life and wondering what the heck happened to me. I used to be a very independent, hard-working, confident, idealistic person that worked very hard to overcome the negative crap in my past.
I used to believe in the power of holistic medicine, faith in God and a hope for the future, hard work, good decisions and a positive attitude, but when you have a whole bunch of negative, gossipy people around you, over time, it effing gets you down. And when you are a positive, idealistic person, you hide it to fit in. Not good. I know

 

[gealach]

So lately, because of my anxiety, on my days off work, I'm typically OK because I have no obligatio...

You could be writing the story of my last 3 years. The negativity and gossip, hiding to fit in... the loss of energy, then you realize you're not you anymore.

Sorry you're going through this.

 

[saraemerald]

@brokenEMT "then you realize you're not you anymore." Exactly

 

[saraemerald]

I so want to get out of this funk. I believed in healing PTSD holistically which includes eating healthy, eliminating sugar out of the diet if possible and caffeine which can aggravate anxiety, taking a good multivitamin and exercising and taking care of your mind and body as well as deep breathing, nature and talk therapy.
But my friends were pushing conventional medicine when I was going through the worst of my PTSD symptoms and at the time I was scared of relying on conventional medication. (I am not against taking it though-some really benefit from it) When I explained what I was doing to alleviate and heal my PTSD, one of my friends whom was 12 years older than me tried forcing me to lie on an application at the psyche ward of a hospital saying I was suicidal and I was not and she never respected what I wanted to do for my own healing of MY own mind and body. She was a stressed out biotch all the time and wasn't a true friend. So when I started learning about alternative medicine on my own, I was alone in my recovery.
And when I had severe symptoms of PTSD, I had a hard time breathing, my chest hurt, I had extreme anxiety which caused a lot of tension and stress in my body, muscle spasms and pain and I also went through a time period where I fainted on occasion. All I wanted from my friends were a listening ear and hugs but they were too consumed with a strict religion I was a part of and I never felt safe enough around them to actually cry about what happened to me when I was younger. I never felt that close love and connection I craved so much. And my friends my own age were having good times without me possibly because they didn't know how to connect with someone who had such an extreme childhood and anxiety so bad that my body was shaky.
Today, because of all the work I did to heal those symptoms, I feel fine and don't have that anxiety. Now I have a different form of anxiety which just involves me ruminating about how I sabotaged my life after I healed my PTSD symptoms.

 

[saraemerald]

It's like I healed all the physical symptoms in my body but the emotional hurt and pain is still there

 

[Neverthesame]

I was scared of relying on conventional medication. (I am not against taking it though-some really benefit from it)

I'm not into holistic/alternative medicine, but I think you are right to be cautious of medication.
Drugs used to treat mental health issues, while certainly effective, can take a heavy toll on your health. I have yet to find one that doesn't have at least one negative side effect.

I'm not saying not to consider the idea when necessary, but there is no wonder drug. Finding one that works best for you, can be long unpleasant road of trial and error.
Not a decision to be made flippantly.
If you have found homeopathic approaches that work for you, great. I'm not going to poop on your parade. From what you've written here, you seem to have a good head on your shoulders.

one of my friends whom was 12 years older than me tried forcing me to lie on an application at the psyche ward of a hospital saying I was suicidal and I was not

I think you dodged a bullet here. This was very wrong for your "friend" to suggest.
For one thing, being on suicide watch at a mental health facility, is a miserable experience.
Secondly, as helpful as inpatient programmes can be, they lose alot of their effectiveness when treating non-existent symptoms. Good on you for recognising this and exercising your better judgement.

I was alone in my recovery.

We all are.
Tools like medication, therapy, positive spirituality, support of loved ones, can certainly be helpful. But at the end of the day, any progress you make is because of you. No one else, just you.
It's your head, only you can make it a healthy place to exist in.

 

[nicholle0923]

I too have anxiety. i have depression & ptsd. those illnesses make people tired, they make you feel like whatever you do today won't matter in the future. but you also have to realize that, you need to get better & not trying to motivate yourself on your own (if you have no support) is gonna make it even more difficult. if you're not happy with where you are now, try to do something different. whatever your decision is, i hope all works out well for you

 

[traumaWisdom]

I used to believe in the power of holistic medicine, faith in God and a hope for the future, hard work, good decisions and a positive attitude, but when you have a whole bunch of negative, gossipy people around you, over time, it effing gets you down.

Hi Saraemerald...just saw this thread and thought I'd shoot through a response as your post resonated with me. I am 9 years into recovery and decided from day 1 that I wanted to heal holistically. It's probably not the easiest route but for me it was the the one that made the most sense. I came from nature so I'll heal from nature.

I've tried everything you can think of from Reiki, Shiatsu, Bowen Therapy, Kineasology, Naturopathy, CTM, homeopathy, yoga, meditation, Buddhism, self help guides, psychotherapy and the list goes on. Some have worked and some just weren't for me. I guess the thing I've gleaned along the way is that I'm picking up invaluable tools for my 'resilience tool box' and also, probably most importantly, that my diet, lifestyle, thoughts and social network either positively or negatively impact who I am. The good news is that we have that choice about what we eat, think, do and who we hang out with. So when I go off the tracks into a ditch (which I do regularly!) I know the stuff that works and the stuff that doesn't. Love that tool box!

Sounds like you're making great progress and it's hard to see that sometimes when the shitty days come along...hang in there :)

 

[saraemerald]

@Neverthesame and @nicholle0923 , for some reason, I am just seeing your responses now. Thank you. I am feeling much better now than when I posted this. And thank you @BeautifullyFlawed. Just having an additional supports system on this site is awesome, especially when others are able to either relate to you or at least try to encourage with non-judgement which makes our personal experience more bearable.