I Forgot About My Trauma And I'm In Therapy

[Morphius]

I see my T twice a week and she's on vaca. I keep a daily journal and just in the last few days I've been reading and referencing things I no longer remember. What do I do? I have my EMDR consultation session this week. I don't want to remember my trauma, look back into older entries or tell my T when she gets back that I forgot. Is it normal? What would you do or recommend me do?

 

[shimmerz]

Sorry Morphius, it may just be me and the mode I am in.

Are you saying that you are being avoidant, because you don't feel ready for treatment or looking at past traumas and don't know how to tell your T?

 

[Deleted member 34328]

Suppressed memories are very common and various forms of therapy can bring things to the surface. Yes, they are very painful, but may continue to re-surface until dealt with.

Unless you've been advised to re-read your former journal entries, I personally don't see the value in that. I don't read mine as they are very depressing and dark.

Your therapist may be able to shed some insight and advise you better. I wouldn't keep things a secret.

 

[Morphius]

Suppressed memories are very common and various forms of therapy can bring things to the surface. Yes,...

I understand that suppressed memories are common but how does it work if for months, you knew your whole story and wrote about it, and then one day, or days later, you realize you forgot, other than small hints of this depressed feeling of something I'm supposed to remember surfaced? Is that part of avoidance? Dissociation? Derealization?

 

[Morphius]

Sorry Morphius, it may just be me and the mode I am in.

Are you saying that you are being avoidant,...

I'm saying I've been talking about my whole story in therapy and have now, no recollection of this story. I know it's something bad based on my journal entries and I keep my mind busy so that I don't remember because it's such memory this time it's not like it's forgotten in the back of my mind too, something is there... I just don't remember my trauma and fear if I relax I'll actually recall it

 

[shimmerz]

I actually do that as well, although on a smaller scale. I will have come to something years back and then all the sudden 'remember it' again, as if it was the first time. I have people saying to me 'ummmm, Shimmerz, you know that'. lol. I do?

I see it as walls in my mind that swing up and down, depending on what I need to know or not in the moment. It is disconcerting for certain. I am very sorry you are going through this Morphius. That is a hard pill to swallow.

 

[Morphius]

I actually do that as well, although on a smaller scale. I will have come to something years back and...

Oh, okay, so I'm not completely alone, that's nice to know. Yeah, as I was reading your response there was this gut feeling that came up as a way of making me realize in a different manner, I'm doing the same thing.

The only horrible thing about this is that I feel good and have felt nice and distracted from not remembering it. On the other hand I also notice a lot more emotions way, deep down that I'm sure will come crashing if I don't allow myself to remember it or tell my therapist and have to remind me.

 

[shimmerz]

a lot more emotions way, deep down that I'm sure will come crashing if I don't allow myself to remember it or tell my therapist and have to remind me.

Yeah, and I think for me the emotions are the things that the walls are there for. Being flooded with crazy intense emotions is not good, you know? So it sounds to me like your memory is just doing what it is supposed to.... regulating in its own way, the experiences that you have yet to process.

Maybe expressing your thoughts about this to your T, if you haven't already, will be helpful for you. That way he is aware of your experience and will keep it in mind.

 

[Nessa7]

I have experienced something like what I think you're describing. For me, it usually happens when I talk about something in session and avoidance coping methods start kicking in. I'll dissociate or become very emotionally numb, but I'll also be recalling something that I hadn't remembered before. Sometimes I remember one or two basic facts about whatever it is, but sometimes it is gone completely.

I would try to not be too scared. I do find that whenever my brain decides to recall the memory that I deal with it a little better the second time. Part of me still remembers the progress that I had made before in processing the memory. Your T is also going to be expecting that some things might not stick the first time, because that's totally normal.

 

[MisterCatLady]

I do that. Sometimes I can't remember anything and I panic that I made it all up. Once I stop panicking about that, the memories flood back and I wish they would go away again.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

I understand that suppressed memories are common but how does it work if for months, you knew your who...

You are correct in that I do know my trauma very well.

However, I have learned the "art" of dissociating and often choose to do so. The memories are too painful. The anxiety is too great. It has also happened a couple of times that my mind shuts down and I feel nothing and remember nothing. That is not my doing. My mind will begin to open up as it is ready to deal with a small amount of things. I am an adult, not a child.

I cannot answer for all you have endured. I just know that when something happens, the mind will take care of you. Protect you. A child cannot process and understand as an adult does. I truly believe that what you are saying is the truth. Your feelings matter.

I also believe that your mind may be slowly opening up and allowing certain amounts of a past trauma to resurface. That is very painful and hard to believe. Yet, I do believe that with continued therapy, you will learn ways to handle this.