Relationship When To Say When?

[Sighs]

I've been with my vet for 3.5 years. He is a veteran of East TImor, Iraq and Afghanistan - multiple tours to all three.

My father and his three brothers are all veterans of the Rhodesian War. I have lived with combat PTSD my entire life.

 

[Deleted member 38137]

I completely understand where you're coming from here, but this is super dangerous territory....[/QU...

Yup, it's crazy. I'm not a fan of it either.

 

[Deleted member 38137]

I've been with my vet for 3.5 years. He is a veteran of East TImor, Iraq and Afghanistan - multiple tour...

Yeah, see it is probably normal to you. It's not normal to me to be adored and then hated. To be told how beautiful I am and then beshunned the next

 

[dulcia]

With the exceptions of night terrors, these are not symptoms of PTSD. They're bad coping mechanisms that some sufferers may use. I think that is the "movie version" of a PTSD sufferer, especially vets.

For reference, my SO's symptoms include nightmares (but they don't involve screaming or attacking in his sleep, it generally just means he is very touchy in the morning), irritability/aggressiveness, rapid changes in emotions, hyperarousal/hypervigilance (always on alert, trouble concentrating), emotional numbness/lack of empathy, survivor's guilt (rarely expresses it), super strong beliefs against the people he was fighting against in combat, and whatever the word is for "you can't understand because you weren't there and you can't help me because you can't understand". I feel like those last two are never portrayed in the movies. Ha.

 

[Sighs]

It might be normal for me, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. In fact, I suspect it bites harder due to my history. Because when I met him and he adored me I remember saying to someone "I feel loved for the first time in my life!" And now I just feel used.

 

[dulcia]

Yeah, see it is probably normal to you. It's not normal to me to be adored and then hated...

As confusing as it may be to hear this, sometimes this can (from personal experience) be avoided or more contained by your own actions. Let me see if I can say it right.....when my SO gets triggered (by anything from something small I said or did to it being an anniversary), I can tell. I can see it in his eyes. When I myself am stable and thinking clearly, I cut it off right there. If we're in person, I will say I don't want to argue and go clean my car or go for a run. If I come back and I can still see that look, I do my own thing in another room. He will sometimes be antagonistic at this point by singing really loudly or acting like he is having a great time doing whatever it is he's doing. If it's via phone, I can tell by the way he will text. He starts saying irrelevant things, jumping topics quickly, and sending multiple messages without waiting for a reply. In that case, I again say I don't want to argue and that I am going to go work on whatever it is I'm doing until he feels more himself. If I can not engage until he is calm and regulated again (aka has had time to go through the whole process), we will be fine. If I antagonize or don't give space when I see that look, things get bad and I am treated as if I am no longer adored (in that moment). So as long as you don't see isolation as "being hated", there are things you yourself can do that can really help the ups and downs, namely the downs.

 

[Sighs]

Great in theory. Not so great at 10.30pm working to winch a vehicle out of a bog. Or when holding a 650kg horse's hoof up so that he can trim it. Or on a scaffold 18 foot in the air working on the side of the house. Or when camping in a State Forest hundreds of miles from the nearest human being. Or when driving at 120km/hr.

I'm sorry - I'm tired and overwhelmed and sick to the back teeth of being blamed by my vet for everything that is wrong in his life. I'm going to step out now so that I stop hijacking this thread.

 

[Deleted member 38137]

As confusing as it may be to hear this, sometimes this can (from personal experience) be avoided or...

I agree with you. To a certain point, but then I'd be asking myself the question, why should I tiptoe around someone??? Sure, his illness is certainly more noble than being around a moody alcoholic, but then again, there's guys out there that don't go into super dick mode. Or we could both also be alone. I mean, that's what he wants and feels is best.

Let's face it gals, no one should be alone but often times maybe it's for the best. And I want NONE of you to take this the wrong way, but yes, you are displaying varying signs of codependency. Some of us are worse than others. I'm the queen of it.

 

[Deleted member 38137]

For reference, my SO's symptoms include nightmares (but they don't involve screaming or attacking in...

Yup. I see all of that. As well as extreme cynicism. It's odd to see someone who thinks in such black and white terms.

 

[Deleted member 38137]

Great in theory. Not so great at 10.30pm working to winch a vehicle out of a bog. Or when holding a 650...

You're not hijacking at all. I think it's great that you can express your distress and exhaustion with it. Shit, it's only been four months for me and I'm pretty f'n sick of it myself.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the handsome and sweet man that rubs my hair when I'm sleeping. I just can't take the guy who goes into super dick mode.

 

[Deleted member 38137]

As confusing as it may be to hear this, sometimes this can (from personal experience) be avoided or...

It's all in the eyes, isn't it??? My God, I see that look too! Reminds me of a scared pit bull!!!

 

[Deleted member 38137]

It might be normal for me, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. In fact, I suspect it bites harder du...

Get the book "Codependent No More"..: I think you might gain something from it.