Relationship Boundary's And Their Enforcement.

[Jensen]

Would someone please expand on how boundaries and their enforcement works in a relationship.

 

[EveHarrington]

Example

I do not tolerate physical aggression.

If someone becomes physically aggressive with me, I remove myself from the situation.

If this repeats over time with no significant improvement then I remove myself permanently.

Boundaries are about setting expectations for behavior that will and will not be tolerated.

Boundary setting must come with consequences or essentially no boundary has been set.

It is not about making ultimatums.

 

[Jensen]

Thank you, so if they are not ultimatums they are to be arrived at mutually? Are there any examples that might be relevant to my situation?

 

[Ronin]

Establishing what's Annoying, what's Angering, what's a Soft Limit, Hard Limit, and f*ck It I'm Out.

Basically having a talk about safety, risks to it, how much either can be tolerated, and what's a no-go.

& @Jensen, if you don't state what your situation IS, we have no way of knowing what may, or may not, be relevant for it. Please describe closer.

 

[Silver.]

Having read your other post, it's easy to apply what @EveHarrington is saying
tell her that you are not going to be present when she is exhibiting behaviours that put you down, and then if she continues on this path to ruining the relationship that you won't stay in the relationship.

When your gf starts talking crap to you, you tell her to stop, if she doesn't, then you walk away
She picks at something you do, again, tell her to quit, if she doesn't, walk away

that means legit leaving the situation entirely. you have a right to a relationship where you feel like an equal. Shitting on someone is not excusable because of PTSD, though we all tend to lash out when we are symptomatic. But we have a right to not have to stand around and listen when this is happening.
You can encourage her to go back to therapy, but are you prepared for this to keep going on and on if she doesn't? What sort of boundary can you make, that is not an ultimatum, to help her get the help she needs?

 

[Jensen]

Wow ! Firstly thank you for reading my introduction. What you suggest is far more powerful than I had ever considered, I will have to think very carefully. Howeved to encourage her to go back to group therapy is softer and I have not done so already because I wasn't too sure it was doing any good ?
Can anyone have blind confidence that it can absolutely do no harm ?

 

[dulcia]

to encourage her to go back to group therapy is softer and I have not done so already because I wasn't too sure it was doing any good

I wonder the impact group therapy has on my SO, too.

More examples of f*ck it I'm out boundaries:

- If either of us puts hands on one another in an act of aggression, I will end this relationship.
- If you are unfaithful (specific personal definition of unfaithful was discussed and agreed upon), I will end this relationship.

Example of hard limit boundaries:

- If you lie to me, I will remove myself from the house for a few days and limit contact. If you continue to lie to me with no significant improvement or attempt at improvement, then I will remove myself permanently.

I tried to think of other examples for the different levels of boundaries @Ronin mentioned, but I honestly couldn't come up with any. But I don't think that's the norm. I think that if you set boundaries clearly and early on, you (hopefully) won't have to focus so much on the more intense boundaries, like the f*ck it ones I listed.

 

[Jensen]

Thanks for your thoughts, fortunately your examples are a million miles from where we are at, My first
posting was in "Introductions", I then stole this "thread title" from the first reply I got.....Confusing I know ....my first time on the Forum.
It is however interesting to hear that you too have reservations about therapy. Please explain SO I am not familiar.

 

[dulcia]

Thanks for your thoughts, fortunately your examples are a million miles from where we are at, My first
p...

SO = significant other

It's not so much that I have reserves about group therapy, it's that I don't know much about it. And I can imagine group therapy is sooo different depending on what kind of "group" is involved in your therapy (combat vets, sexual assault survivors, domestic violence survivors, etc).

 

[Jensen]

Thank you, I don't know either so I have concerns.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Boundries are about what you will and will not accept in YOUR life. It is not about changing or dictating anyone else's behavior.

Example:

Person yelling at you, speaking nasty and hateful to you, being rude to you, being disrespective to you.

Boundry: You advise them that you will not engange in conversation until they can speak to you with respect and without being nasty and hateful. You then disenage. You can leave or simply don't say anything at all other than to restate your boundry.

Once they are respectful then engage in conversation. They become rude, hateful, yelling etc, you again restate your boundry and disenage (again you can leave or just not talk).

You are not saying they must stop yelling or being rude or hateful. You are not telling them what they must do. You are simply saying that you personally will not converse unless it is mutally respectful. That's a boundry. It is not an ultimatum and it is not to change their behavior. It is only about what you will and will not accept in your life.

If you tell someone to block your number, don't call me, ignore me...that isn't a boundry. That is telling them what to do. Saying I won't answer your call, you ignoring them, or blocking their number are all things you can do during boundry setting. You are taking the action. You aren't telling them to. Make sense?